Parents

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I'm unstoppable! I'm like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, "what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?" and I was like, "what wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable turkey?"

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother

Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It’s not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it’s like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute… what, it’s a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I… I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!

–TGI Friday’s, 59th & Lex

Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays

Wednesday One-liners Rocket

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I’m shopping with my mom, and she’s shopping for dildos!

–8th & University

Remember to Invite Ivan and Che

Father: Having you and your mother in the same room is like having the Communist party.

–Murray Hill

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Give Peace A Chance

Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing

Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Autumn

Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th

Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.

–Foley Square

Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped.

–N train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Richard Berman

Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken.

–Behind Pathmark, 125th St

Overheard by: wadotron

Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass!

–G train

Overheard by: greenpoint blank

Unless He's Laughing at My Style

Crazy woman to mother of laughing baby: He likes me! At least you know he ain't gonna be gay!

–14th St & Ave B

“…you can’t be tried as an adult, so shoot to kill.”

Boy, 7: Who’s that guy again?
Mom: Which one?
Boy, 7: Subway.
Mother: Bernard Goetz.

–B48 bus

Birthday Cake is More Traditional

Little girl: I wish I could have that cookie.
Mother: It’s nice to wish.

–Starbucks, 111th & Broadway

Wednesday One-liners Are All About Location

Mom: Don’t think of it as losing a friend…but as gaining a holiday destination.

–A train

Overheard by: Clacky

Still Think Jared Can't Get Any Creepier?

Troubled thug: Yeah, for some reason your mom really wants me to hook up with her… But I dunno…
Envious thug: You should, man, she's really attractive! I mean, I know you already got a girlfriend and whatever, but god put you on earth for such a short time…
Troubled thug: Yeah, I dunno…
Envious thug: God, I wish I had your luck with women.

–Subway Sandwich Shop

Overheard by: Are you talking about his mom, or…?

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