Sex

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Surest Form of Birth Control

Disgruntled student: Milton is where boners go to die.

–116th & Broadway, Columbia University

Overheard by: BBW

NYU girl: … And she told me she had a gynecology appointment with this old chick scheduled for tomorrow, and that’s when I realized just about everyone at this school is getting more ass than me.

–9th & University

Scruffy guy: Don’t worry, you’re going to have sex some day!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Professor: There are two types of people in this world — those who ride fast horses and those who don’t get laid.

–Classics Dept, NYU

Overheard by: face

10-year-old: At my age it’s just best to cuddle.

–Shakespeare & Co.

Overheard by: Leah

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife

Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.

–Subway platform, South Ferry

Overheard by: annikee

Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: soixantedeux

Chick after V train passes through the station: There’s a runaway V train and people are still on it!

–C/E platform, 23rd St

Girl: Whenever I’m on the subway all I can think about is sex!

–NYU

Overheard by: ana

Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.

–14th St station

Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is

Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?

–W 93rd St

Tourist girl: Waaait… Is this the bus?

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: MegMC

Or at Least Bring Me My Laptop and a Latte

Girl #1: And then we had sex for, like, two hours!
Girl #2: Ew, who wants to have sex for two hours? I’d be like, ‘Get off me.’

–19 W 4th, NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air

Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!

–Stuyvesant High School

Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!

–Ave A

Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.

–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade

Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?

–W 49th & Broadway

Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…

–Washington Square Park

Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]

–8 train

Overheard by: Alex

Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.

–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival

Overheard by: I hate it when that happens

As Long As There’s a Real Emotional Connection

Creepster #1: Man, I wish I was just a few years younger.
Creepster #2: What do you mean?
Creepster #1: She was totally under 18, and a few years younger and I wouldn’t be arrested for sleeping with her.
Creepster #2: Oh, that shit doesn’t bother me. High school, junior high — hell, I wouldn’t even care if she was in elementary school.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Creighton

Diseased Vengeance Sex Is the Best

Girl: I’m so pissed at him… I’m gonna wait until my herpes show up and have sex with him.
Friend: Yeah, good idea. Do it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rebecca

Wednesday One-Liners for Congress

Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, ‘I am gonna fuck you so hard,’ and I was like, ‘Whoa, oh my god!’ But I couldn’t go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Emily Leatrice

Hipster: I’d feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.

–Penn Station

Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.

–N train

Overheard by: not invited

Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you’re risking sex.

–Health Class, LaGuardia HS

Overheard by: mf

Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn’t tell.

–Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I’m gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Glad I wasn’t the other guy…

20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I’ve never been arrested!

–Subway station

Overheard by: subwayrider

It Was the Giving Birth Kind

Actor #1: It wasn’t like sex vagina, it was more like–
Actor #2: –There’s more than one kind?

–Epiphany

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz

Woman to friend: It just wasn’t what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: MK

LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn’t been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?

–R train

Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that’s an investment… That’s bail.

–Bus, Port Authority

Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I’m home! One more day and I’m not in jail!

–Subway entrance, 125th St

Overheard by: Leaving Harlem

Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine’s Day with my mom… If her boyfriend wasn’t in jail she wouldn’t be bothering me.

–Eastern Pkwy Library

Chick to boyfriend: So, that’s what you learned in prison?

–Central Park

I Said Later… Wait, What?

Teen boy: Mom, is it true that some people are both a man and a woman?
Mom: Yes. Well, sort of. Can we talk about this when we get home?
Teen boy: So does that mean they have, like, both–
Mom: –Yes, honey, now be quiet for a little while, okay?
Teen boy: Does that mean they can, like, do the slinky?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

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