Advice

With These Wednesday One-Liners, I Thee Wed

Man on phone: I thought you were calling to tell me you’re getting married. That would have been terrible.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Lisa

Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.

–Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn

Little Asian girl talking on toy cell: What? Tomorrow? Marry you?!

–Waiting room, Ft Greene Department of Health

Overheard by: nooners

Angry woman to loser husband: If you want this marriage to work, we need to move to Baltimore.

–Starbucks, 59th & Lex

Girl on cell: No, I don’t think sleeping with her again will help… Because, honestly, you shouldn’t be sleeping with anybody else… I mean, Jesus Christ, we are engaged!

–Starbucks, 23rd & 6th

Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn’t dating anybody, but he didn’t tell you he was married?

–11th & Broadway

The Mad Hatter’s Wednesday One-Liners

Lady yuppie: I mean, at first I thought he was seriously psycho, but then I started to think, Maybe he’s just being creative…

–Outside NY Public Library

Overheard by: Miss_Rach

Black guy to himself: I’m not like the rest of you — I’m just an ordinary loon!

–52nd & 3rd

Overheard by: what?

Hobo: Does anybody have Amy Fisher’s phone number? I love crazy chicks!

–R train

Old woman to middle-aged woman: You have to walk on the crazy side of the street.

–2nd & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: D-Law

Lady to another, pointing at Borough Hall: Is that place a mental institution?

–Stuyvesant Pl, outside SI Borough Hall

You Should Swim

Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I’m going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.

–Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th

That Would Make You the United Nations

Young man: What I’d do is throw a costumed dinner party and have someone killed at the table.
Young girl: Uh-huh.

–Maiden & William St, Financial District

Have You Been Reading Mommy’s Diary Again?

Four-year-old boy: There are too many people on the train. Someone needs to get off.
Mom: Who needs to get off?
Four-year-old boy: Us!

–A train

Overheard by: otilio

We’ve Secretly Replaced the Museum Patrons with Kidnappers — Let’s Watch What Happens

Little boy #1: We wanna go over there and see the shiny wall.
Little boy #2: Yeah, we wanna see the shiny wall.
Babysitter, waiting in line: Fine. But what’s the rule?
Little boys, together: Don’t get kidnapped!
Babysitter: Right. Have fun!

–Guggenheim

Hey, What Are Friends For?

Girl: Men are dicks.
Friend: It’s alright. You’ll get a new guy soon — you’re cute!
Girl: I know. I’m just sad.
Friend: Well, the sun will come out tomorrow. Have you ever heard of it being cloudy forever? No, because that’s impossible… Except for after a nuclear holocaust, in which case you should just kill yourself.

–4th & Mercer

Dirt-Road Didactics

Hoochie: I tried anal sex and it just hurt too much. Then I figured out that if you just douche your ass, it doesn’t hurt at all!
Wannabe hoochie: Really?!

–Bar, Staten Island

Overheard by: yohezzy

Then You’ll Get into Med School for Sure

Chick #1: I don’t know why it isn’t working!
Chick #2: Maybe you should get shit-faced.
Chick #3: Maybe you should try a push-up bra.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Is there a 3rd solution?

But When They Do a Good Job, Scratch Their Tummy

Guy #1: Yeah, so the taxi driver took us through the most congested traffic. He did it on purpose!
Guy #2: That’s why you have to tell them where to go.
Guy #1: And be firm.
Guy #2: It’s like training a dog.

–3 train

Overheard by: rick

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