All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D…

Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.

–Christopher St

Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I’m drinking sangria!

–Nolita House, E Houston

Overheard by: amalthya

Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that’s, like, hot.

–Cosi’s, 13th & Broadway

Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: I wasn’t Drunk Though

Man: So, the officer said to me, ‘Ah, the old beer in a tube sock…’

–Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South

Overheard by: mrbojangles

NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ryan Hague

Mom to two-year-old: We’re going home now, and Mommy’s going to make a big, fat cocktail.

–Citibabes, Soho

Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail

Female: I’m so thirsty I could almost drink water!

–Across from former Forward building

Overheard by: Avalanche

Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method

Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.

–Sephora, Broadway

Overheard by: linzz

Guy: … So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth…"

–Spring St

Overheard by: boston bobby

College guy on cell: He was like, ‘Shit, she’s got a bun in the oven!’ And I was like, ‘Oh, shit!’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: roo

Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that’s how he got her pregnant.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Wondering how that works

Preggers: I’m gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I’m not gonna have a miscarriage.

–Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn

Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I’m on my seventh month!

–Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th

Overheard by: EE Grimshaw

NYU girl on cell: … So then the doctor comes in and he goes, ‘Houston, we have a problem…" I know, right? What’s with doctors trying to be all funny when they’re telling you that you’re pregnant?

–NYU bus

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo’ dick right now.

–Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I’m not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

–26th & 8th

Large black man: I’m grabbin’ booties, so all y’all better move outta my way!

–37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an’ call me Mary Poppins…

–85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there’s an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

–Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don’t show your butts to men — cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

–6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio

Wednesday One-Liners of the Methane Planet

Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Allie

Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it’s somebody else. We all know it’s you.

–A train

Lady to friend: No, seriously! ‘Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.

–Charlton & Varick St

Overheard by: sophie

Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!

–W 71st & Columbus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Deeply Troubled

20-something chick on cell: No, it’s ridiculous. She’s afraid to shit in his house ’cause he thinks girls don’t shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something… I hope she farts on his dick.

–1 train

Overheard by: jenny

Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted… Good morning, New York. I love you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: AMOS

Wednesday One-Liners Remember the Depression

Old woman laughing for no apparent reason: We seem like we’re on something!

–52nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants

Chick: He’s not a stalker, he’s just this old guy who follows me home.

–Fried Dumpling

Very old lady to another: Last time you fell down it cost 10 thousand dollars.

–Central Park

Teen guy to two pals: Think about an 80-year-old woman. How many dicks has she seen in her lifetime? A lot.

–Ground Zero

Old woman to car with right of way turning into intersection: Just keep driving, you fucking maniac! It’s fucking Christmas, you bastard!

–54th & 3rd

Overheard by: cordy

Woman outside stall: I’m throwing my dad a birthday party because he’s turning 90 and he’s not dead yet.

–Restroom, Jane restaurant, W Houston, between LaGuardia & Thompson

Overheard by: Colleen!

Old lady, about old guy with walker: We’ll be going to that funeral soon.

–West Way Cafe

Overheard by: EmilyPicard

Wednesday One-Liners Missed That Week in Health Class

Boy to friends: Last one to the car has herpes!

–Hylan Blvd, Staten Island

NYU co-ed to another: You gotta put on your STD face!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jatmos

Drunk girl yelling at drunk guy down the street: I’m pretty sure I haven’t contracted anything from anyone tonight!

–12th & 3rd

20-something chick: How come all the nice guys I meet always have some sort of STD?

–Lincoln Center

Drunk NYU chick: You’re gay and you go to NYU — there’s no reason why your love life shouldn’t be flourishing… except AIDS.

–Union Square

Overheard by: that guy

Blonde: Just because you have syphilis doesn’t mean I have to listen to you!

–Max Breener’s Chocolate Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: Eskimo Child

Chick on cell: Brian? I love Brian… even though he gave me the herpe.

–E 9th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Raven

Wednesday One-Liners Get Acculturated

TA: Is anyone in here Canadian? Good. I didn’t want to offend anyone.

–NYU

Woman with thick German accent about people with thick Indian accents: You can’t understand anything these people say because of their accents!

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Lolo

Girl on cell: They are Mexicans dressed up as soccer moms in minivans dressed up as dirty Mexicans, and on the back of their minivans they have a Mexican flag and a bumper sticker that says, ‘Cross country is my favorite sport’!

–Train from Secaucus to Penn Station

Overheard by: uulovesuu

Foreign street vendor to another: If you kill a German, it’s different.

–Prince & Greene St

Shocked waiter to very smug waiter: Whoa! You’re even more expensive than a Russian girlfriend!

–Bread restaurant, Prince St

Overheard by: Sheila Michaels

Wednesday One-Liners Have Certain Reservations

Ugly chick: Donovan’s is a restaurant suggestion, not an invitation to my pussy!

–Bar

Overheard by: kathy

Dude to friends: When I go out to eat it’s usually, like, places where I can take off all my clothes.

–Brunch, Renaissance Diner

Overheard by: ctoe

Chatty woman in robe: And I thought, this would never happen in New York. In New York you would call and they would say, ‘If you can’t find our restaurant, you’re too stupid to eat here.’

–Bliss Spa, E 57th St

Short black teen: Yo, once I was in this fancy restaurant, and pâté was on the menu, and my friend said, ‘Yo, what the hell is pate?’ I was like, ‘That’s pâté, negro!’

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: A laughing classmate

Uptown bimbette: I read about this place. It’s George Clooney’s new restaurant.

–Café Cluny, W 4th St & W 12th St

Overheard by: Pugparents

Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question

CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer… What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren’t they the same?

–Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza

Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?

–Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Adriane S

Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?

–Mailroom, PR firm

HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?

–1/9 train, 14th St

Overheard by: LA Law Girl

Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?

–Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park

Overheard by: R&S

NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?

–Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq

Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?

–6 train, 86th St

Wednesday One-Liners Pick Up Boys in the Frozen Food Aisle

Poli-Sci professor: … And the FCC makes rulings so that you can’t show nipples at the Super Bowl.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Girl: Wouldn’t it be weird to kill someone using only your nipples?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Tan chick: I don’t want those black bitches looking at my nipples.

–L train

20-ish broad: I just don’t think the tassles are big enough to fit over my nipples.

–Momofuku Ssam Bar, 13th & 2nd

Overheard by: McFreaky

Ghetto dude rapping to friends: Yo, the hash balls there are bigger than your girl’s nipples!

–E 4th St & Ave A

Overheard by: punkee

Nerd: My nipples are so hard they could pick a lock.

–Javits Center

Overheard by: Allisa

Sorostitute: Tonight would have been so much better if my nipple hadn’t exploded.

–Marriott, Times Square

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