All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air

Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!

–Stuyvesant High School

Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!

–Ave A

Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.

–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade

Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?

–W 49th & Broadway

Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…

–Washington Square Park

Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]

–8 train

Overheard by: Alex

Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.

–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival

Overheard by: I hate it when that happens

A Burnt Offering of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: I don’t remember why he put the phone in the oven… I think it was to prove a point. And my mom didn’t know, so she turned the oven on and then the phone caught on fire.

–NYU trolley

Panhandler: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not trying to get drugs. I’m not trying to buy alcohol. I’m just trying to survive. It’s a hard life out there trying to sleep, and people always trying to set you on fire.

–F train

Guy with Jamaican accent: Women be causin’ the men to be committin’ adultery. Women be causin’ the men to be lustin’ after the butt. Women need to put their butt back into their pants. Women, you need to cover your butt, or it will be covered in fire.

–4 train

Overheard by: The Cannon

NYU politics professor: … So if you want to stay warm out there, you’re free to burn the flag.

–Silver Center, NYU

Guy sprinting to JAP on cell: Ma’am! You’re on fire! [Guy grabs her Vera Bradley purse, on fire from her cigarette, and throws it savagely to the ground.] I’m sorry, but I had to do that. [JAP stares blankly at him and continues cell conversation.]

–Bobst Library, NYU

Overheard by: J-Steve

Uptown Wednesday One-Liners

Man: Well, at least if you get deported you’d get to go somewhere exotic. If I get deported I go back to the Bronx…

–Barnard College

Conductor, as rap music blares through speakers: Yo, this is a shout-out to all my niggas keepin’ it real on the 1 train. Takin’ the 1 to the Bronx at four a.m. — that’s gangsta, son!

–Bronx -bound 1 train

Female employee: I’m so annoyed… so annoyed. This morning there was a dead body near the Bronx train station. It made me late for work. The train was sooo crowded. I hate that! I hate when we are all packed in the train like sardines!

–Fox News Channel newsroom

Chick: He’s either retarded… or from the Bronx.

–Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: mokee

Wednesday One-Liners Call Their Bookies

Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? ‘Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom’s attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?

–34th & 2nd

Dude: You know what? I’m just going to drop out of college and play baseball, ’cause I’ve always wanted to play for the NBA!

–SJU baseball field

Overheard by: rach boogie

Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.

–L train

Overheard by: Aidan

Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.

–55th & 7th

Overheard by: Caroline

Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium… Home of, y’know, that other team.

–Flushing-bound 7 train

Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?

–Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: amused tourist

Wednesday One-Liners Love New York. Maybe.

Guy to buddy: It’s just like New York, except it’s clean and quiet… and people are nice.

–51st & Broadway

Tourist girl: You guys, we’re finally here! New York! Sleepless in… Oh my god, I’m such a moron!

–Incoming Air Canada flight, JFK airport

Overheard by: la petite touriste

Hobo to passerby wearing ‘I love NY’ shirt: Try living here for a few months, see how much you fucking love it.

–Chinatown

Pedicab driver to intrigued tourists: It is the most exciting thing you will do in New York City.

–58th & 5th

Overheard by: Stevo

Woman: Sure, in New York something gets blown up every now and then. But at least we don’t have to worry about falling off into the ocean.

–Filene’s Basement

Overheard by: amused tourist

High-strung mom to nanny: Just leave him here and go check. He’s not going to get kidnapped. No one in New York wants kids, anyway.

–C train

Subway preacher: All of you are going to hell because of New York!

–Grand Central

Wednesday One-Liners Join a Book Club

TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I’m leaving.

–Sociology class, NYU

Expert conversationalist: I’m just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I’m reading if you want.

–Cafe Henri, West Village

Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Maija

Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl’s Guide to Riker’s Island.

–53rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Bruni

20-ish girl on cell: I don’t like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Muffin

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe

Guy: The nun at work keeps hitting on me!

–Havana Central, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Arogpelter

Panhandler: Donations? Give to the church of malt liquor!

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd St

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Student running through hall: I need my Bible!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: lol

Woman on cell: Hi, sweetie. I just wanted to call you back, real quick ’cause I’m on my cell, and tell you something else God wanted me to tell you.

–GWB Port Authority

30-ish guido seeing girl with ashes on foreheard: You know, I’ve noticed that the church is making better ashes.

–102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: what does that even mean?!

Manager: Ben! Quit it with the stigmata! We’ve talked about this!

–Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Teen boy: We should pray to Josh’s parents so they give us a plasma screen TV.

–A train

Overheard by: Paula

Wednesday One-Liners Talk with Their Mouths Full

Angry lady to boyfriend: They don’t pay my fucking rent! They don’t eat my fucking pussy!

–E 9th & 5th

Man on cell: It comes down to about seven dollars a blowjob.

–59th & 5th

Wheelbo, politely: Excuse me, does the bus stop here? [Ignored, so addresses next passerby politely] Pardon me, ma’am? Are you looking for a dick to suck?

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: No, I am not.

SVA photography teacher: You’d have a better time giving head to King Kong than using this method.

–SVA, 21st & 3rd

Overheard by: student

Kid on cell: … So I said, ‘You can suck my dick for some of your spaghetti.’

–Outside hardware store, 102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Josh

Dude: If I could’ve gone down on a donkey I would have done it.

–W New York hotel, Union Square

17-year-old girl on cell: So, this girl was eating me out, right? [Pause] Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer “Bindlestiff”

Performing hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, while I do tell jokes, I just want to say that I keep it clean for the family. I don’t like to curse or use foul language at any time. So to those that give money, I thank you, and to those that don’t, go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta my house!

–3 train

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Hobo, just after nine a.m. on a weekday: You’re late! All of you are late to work! All of you… Late, late, late!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: jairoski

Hobo shaking cup of coins: Hi, I’m starting a presidential campaign and any contribution would help!

–E Houston, near Mott St

Overheard by: Sannie

Hobo: Good afternoon. Can anyone help me out by sparing some change? [To processed and painted old lady passerby] Girl, you look just like Alexis from Dynasty!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: liza

Hobo: I’ll be offended if you call me a crackhead. I’m not a crackead, I’m a rock star. Now, does anyone have 20 dollars for me so I can buy some crack?

–2 train, Bronx

Hyperactive kid is jumping around on benches and talking non-stop.

Hobo to babysitter: Too many pills. That girl is on too many pills!

–81st & 5th

Overheard by: i agree

Hobo holding banana like a gun: Gimme all yo’ money, I’m the banana bandit! [People shuffle by, averting eyes, and hobo gets sad] Nobody listens to the banana bandit…

–Fulton St & Grand Ave

Wag the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: So, the doctor tells me to get on the table. He could’ve told me to get on the table and be a dog and I would’ve hopped on there and went, ‘Bow-wow, motherfuck.’

–6 train

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Young girl to mother: Do you think I’m a dog? I’ll tell you if I am.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: vm

30-ish woman: Tom’s* ass, to me, is like a steak to a sleeping dog… Rrruff!

–34th & 5th

Overheard by: hungry dog

Big black man: My friend is looking for people to sell cocaine for him. He figured out this great way to get around the dogs — they’re scared of bigger animals, so he puts all his drugs in bull shit.

–Bus, Broadway

Overheard by: lora

Dude: Are those things dogs or are those things people?

–Union Square

Overheard by: The Baron

Checkout chick: So, that’s my dilemma — do I spend my tax refund on a chihuahua or a Master’s degree?

–Warehouse Wines, 770 Broadway

Overheard by: Jamie

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