BJs

Grandma, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

That’s What My Doctor Said

Young queer #1: I’m getting my tonsils out the day after next.
Young queer #2: Girlfriend, you’d better suck some dicks before then!

–14th & 8th

I Trust You’ll Be Marrying My Sister

Thug #1 seeing thugette across the intersection: Oh, shit! That bitch sucked my dick!
Thug #2, yelling across street: Nice job, Lacy!

–32nd & 7th

Who Were All Hipsters from Austin… but Still…

Hipster #1: She sucked my dick right there.
Hipster #2: She was such a slut!
Hipster #1: Luckily for me.
Hipster #2: Most Texans are, though… that I’ve met…

–14th & 5th

Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!

Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!

–Cypress Hills, Brooklyn

Overheard by: punkee

Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?

–Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick

Student: Baby, baby, baby — I swear to God, yo — swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.

–Outside Midtown High

Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.

–Tavern on the Green

If Only This Worked at the UN

Effeminate thug: Look at all the couples around us! They’re happy! Why can’t we be like that?!
Bimbette: I’m happy!
Effeminate thug: Well, I’m not. I don’t understand why you have to keep lying to me and acting like it’s all a joke.
Bimbette: Because I’m happy!
Effeminate thug: That’s it, I’m leaving.
Bimbette: Want a blowjob?
Effeminate thug: … Okay.

–R train

Overheard by: Yvo

“What Kind of a Republican Senator Are You?!” I Bellowed.

Queer #1: Who were you trying to give head to in the photo booth?
Queer #2: Oh, Jason — you weren’t there. He wouldn’t go for it, though, so we’re not together anymore.
Queer #1: I’m sorry.
Queer #2: … Really for a multitude of reasons… Refusing to engage in oral sex at a work party was like, well, the last straw.

–1st & 1st

Oh, Get Your Wednesday One-Liners Out of the Gutter

Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.

–810 7th Ave

Overheard by: Jatmos

Barista gesturing to fridge: Hey! Milk me!

–Coffee shop

Professor: It’s hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.

–NYU

Overheard by: woods comma elle

Teacher, on oral quizzes: … And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.

–The Dalton School

Overheard by: Marissa

I Was Treating It Like a Blowgun

30-ish woman #1: I really didn’t know what a blowjob was ’til I was, like, really old.
30-ish woman #2: You mean until you actually had it in your mouth?

–Cobble Hill

And Experiencing New and Exotic STDs

Suit #1: So basically what you’re saying is that your misses is a whore?
Suit #2: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.
Suit #1: And you’re okay with this?
Suit #2: I’m cool with it as long as I keep getting lots of head.

–85th & Lex

Overheard by: marisa

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