Punk girl: Can I get a cigarette?
Punk boy: You don’t smoke, do you?
Punk girl: No.
Punk boy: You just wanted a fucking excuse to talk to me, didn’t you?
Punk girl: Not anymore, arrogant cocksucker. (walks away)
Punk boy: Wait! I changed my mind! Come back, I have a cigarette!
–St Mark’s Place
Middle school kid #1: Why do they call it “PMS”?
Middle school kid #2: I dunno.
Middle school kid #1: Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
(hilarious laughter ensues)
Middle school kid #2: That’s so funny. (pause) What’s “PMS”?
Middle school kid #1: I think it’s “Post Mental Syndrome” You know, when you dry up and can’t have babies.
–R Train
Ghetto boy: Wait, you two had a threesome?
Ghetto girl #1: It was mad awkward, yo!
Ghetto girl #2: Fo’ reals!
–Atlantic & Hoyt
Woman #1: What’s wrong with Eddie*?
Woman #2: Oh, Eddie* gets claustrophobic in the city.
Little boy: That means he’s afraid of Santa Claus!
–39th St & 6th Ave
Little boy: In the old days, before they had shopping bags, what did they use? Did they use paper bags?
Weary mom: Yes.
Little boy: Really? Brown paper bags?
Mom: Yes.
Little boy: That’s so cool!
–31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Brigid
Puppeteer: Do you know who Benjamin Franklin is?
Little boy: There’s no such thing as Benjamin Franklin!
–McDonald’s, 9th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ian
Two-year-old boy: Mom, I missed you a lot in school.
Mother: Don’t talk.
–Pizza Place, 86th & Broadway
Overheard by: eliza
Dad, to four-year-old son: That’s great, send you off to school all jacked-up on chocolate chip pancakes.
Four-year-old: Jack up! Jack up! Jack off!
–SoHo Breakfast Cafe
Overheard by: dylan
[Teenage girl spills water and it soaks guy’s pants.]Wet pants boy: My pants are wet!
Girl: Well, what did you expect from me?
Wet pants boy: Not to get my pants soaking wet, that’s what!
–Diner, Upper East Side
Girl: What do you want me to do? I can do anything, that’s why I get acting jobs.
Boy: I can’t think of anything.
Girl: I can do anything; I can do anything you want me to do and I can do it well.
–69th St
Headline by: Moon
Runners-Up:
· “And Yet, You’re Not on Your Knees…” – Katie Darling
· “Before You Pick Up the Hooker, Have a Plan” – CV
· “Kim Possible Breaks Out the Dirty Talk” – john
· “Like Getting Me a Drink Menu?” – phox
· “Looks Like I Just Might Finally Get My Roof Fixed” – engsci
· “Portrait Of the Densest Boy on Earth” – samson
· “Sally’s Gaydar Works Again!” – Sara Irene
· “Save It for the Next Election, Hillary” – NR
· “What Does a Girl Have to Do to Become a Fag Hag Around Here?” – rudy valahan
