Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how’s he doing?
–Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· “‘Great Listener’ Is On Her Resumee” – Denny
· “Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking” – RBNY
· “I’d Say His Condition Is Stable” – Tadzio
· “Rolling Over About Now” – Kaitlen
· “Rotting, No Doubt” – Katy
· “Well, Mom Won’t Share a Bed with Him Anymore.” – Cassie
· “Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off” – halfknot
Girl: What was with that shower?
Guy: What do you mean? When she was killed?
Girl: Yeah… It really freaked me out.
Guy: Why’s that?
Girl: Well… She got killed, duh… I mean, who showers alone?!
–Movie theater
Guy: You know — it’s Dow Jones and NASDAQ.
Girl: Who are they? Those guys that died?
–14th & Park Ave South
Guy: Do you think you’d be able to take a dead fetus on a plane?
Girl: Maybe on a domestic flight.
–Barnard dorm
Overheard by: babs standigio
Guy to girlfriend: Every time I get pissed, I’ll list a person who’s dead.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Rachel Graham
Mom to four-year-old daughter: So, let me get this straight. Everybody was dead, then you walked in the street, and then you got kidnapped? And then you got killed?
–86th & Lex
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Seeing the genitals of a corpse is, like, a huge turn-off.
–Bodies Exhibit, Fulton St
Overheard by: Secret Asian
Woman: So I called her and I asked her, ‘Did you die?’ And she said, ‘No!’
–Pearl River Mart, Soho
Dude on cell: He’s dead? Yes!
–St. Mark’s Pl
Overheard by: Adam
Fat Midwestern girl: Is your dad a miner?
Thin European woman: Yes, he is!
Fat Midwestern girl: For how long has he been a miner?
Thin European woman, proudly: Thirty years!
Fat Midwestern girl: He’ll be dead in 10 years.
–Q train
Jew: He died for your sins! Bruce Lee died of a questionable overdose of aspirin for your sins!
–Central Park
Overheard by: AJ
Dude passing street meat cart: Mmm… I want whatever dead animal that is!
–53rd & 3rd
Blonde WASP on cell: It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even go onto the porch anymore, because the dead bodies are attracting so many flies.
–Washington Square
Little girl: Daddy, you have to do something interesting before you die!
–86th & Broadway
Hipster: Until I was 10 I thought my grandmother killed my grandfather with red velvet cake.
–Smith & Degraw, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Exploding Cake
Park bench guy #1: If you could control it, what’s your ideal death?
Park bench guy #2: Something public, definitely. I’d rig a guillotine or something and when the chopper falls my head’ll roll in front of this kid and he’ll just stare at my lifeless eyes.
Park bench guy #1: That’s some sick shit. I’d want something that I wouldn’t dread. Like, I’d just drop dead, you know? Painless would be nice, too. Think carbon monoxide is painless?
Park bench guy #2: I always figured it was like getting choked except, like, all over your body.
Passerby: It’s painless! It has to be!
–Bowling Green
Overheard by: Matt
Jewish guy: I have to study a lot today.
Spanish guy: Dude, you had the whole weekend to study!
Jewish guy: I had the funeral, and I got food poisoning!
Spanish guy: I can understand the funeral, because, well… But the food poisoning is all your fault — you ate pork and you’re Jewish!
–Starbucks
Overheard by: liz
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
