Death

Wednesday One-liners for the Red States

Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church.

–Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom

Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein

Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney…

–6 train

Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back!

–23rd between 8th & 9th

Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.

–LES party

Overheard by: Caz

You’re Thinking of Her Writing

Blonde: I hate Anne Rice.
Brunette: Me too! Isn’t she dead?
Blonde: Oh God, no! Remember, she’s writing that Jesus novel?
Brunette: Oh right. For some reason I always think she’s dead.

–The Strand

Overheard by: Sexy Beast

I Wonder Why Billy Started Stuttering

Private School boy: Mummy, will you sing the song?!
Mummy: When I see a hearse go by, then I know the next to die…

–Astoria

Respect a Man When You’re in His Quasi-home

Hobo: Help me! I have 9 starving kids at home!
Suit: Yesterday you had 12 starving kids, what happened?
Hobo: That’s right and the 2 of them died in a horrible fire yesterday! Please help me!
Suit: What happened to the 12th?
Hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, you’re fucking up my rap!

–57th Street station

If There Were, That Would Be a Great School Trip

Lady: I’m looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I’m vegan. I don’t wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don’t kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there’s a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?

–Forest Hills shoe store

Overheard by: MG

Dog Shit is Bullshit (A NYC Short Story)

White woman: You see why I don’t live in Manhattan, especially on the Upper East Side.
White man: Why is that?
White woman: Too many freaking dogs. Everybody and their mother have a goddamn dog. The Upper East Side smells like dog shit and these people will not clean up after their dogs.
White man: I know what you mean. Too many dogs.
White woman: These people should be shot for not cleaning up after their dogs. They should not be allowed to own an animal if they can’t clean up after it. What, rich and snobbish people aren’t allowed to pick up dog crap, is that it?
White man: Well, at least the West Side is not so bad.
White woman: I’m not sure it is any better.

–80th & 3rd

Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed

Asian guy: She’s crazy. She’s obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she’s hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she’s crazy…but she’s hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?

–F train

Overheard by: emdashes

Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.

–St. Mark’s Place

My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!”

–E train

Overheard by: Kid W

Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.

–Hudson Street elevator

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome?

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: toon

Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do…only metaphorically.

–William Street & Maiden Lane

Overheard by: shawn mac

Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale’s.

–Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th

Overheard by: Emily

Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish.

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Woman on cell: So he was like, “Why are we taking a cab? It’s only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day.” And I was like, “I only exercise the way God intended…on a treadmill.” I mean, whatever! Right?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: kittikat

Thank You for Being a Friend?

Old lady #1: Here she comes now.
Old lady #2: I’ll be dead by the time she gets here.
Old lady #3: She’s not moving too fast.

Their friend arrives.

Old lady #1: Aren’t you dead yet?

–5th Ave. & 9th St.

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