Drunk girl #1: Being pregnant must suck.
Drunk girl #2: Why do you say that?
Drunk girl #1: Imagine not being able to drink for nine whole months.
–84th & Columbus
Drunk girl #1: Being pregnant must suck.
Drunk girl #2: Why do you say that?
Drunk girl #1: Imagine not being able to drink for nine whole months.
–84th & Columbus
Drunk guy: Can you wipe my ass for me?
Drunk girl: You’re a grown-ass man! Wipe your own ass!
–Outside bathroom in O’Conners Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Next in line
Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!
–Train from Penn Station
Overheard by: tourist…
Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.
Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!
–6 train at 23rd St
Overheard by: vic
Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.
–R train
Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!
–6 train station, 77th St
Overheard by: BJ
Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!
–Canarsie-bound L train
Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.
–1 train, rush hour
Drunk singing to tune of ‘Proud Mary’: But I never did the Macarena, and I never caught the gonorrhea…
–Stanton St & Clinton St
Conductor: Folks, I’ve been having a recurring dream that I’d like to share with you. [Singing in high falsetto voice] I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
–A train
Girl singing at fax machine: I’m bringing faxin’ back, yeah!
–Kinko’s, 54th St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: jarett
Conducter over intercom: This is the last stop on the G train. [Two minutes later, conductor raps over intercom] G train — nah mean? Nice and clean for you bums that stayed on this train.
–G train, Court St
Overheard by: I Just Missed My Stop
Conductor singing over intercom: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the blah blah blah…
–A train
Overheard by: Heather
Panhandler singing: I will pay you back!
–7th Ave & Christopher St
Overheard by: Rolfer
Thug: This is a fuckin’ Kodak moment, man [snaps picture of fellow thug with camera phone].
–Bleecker & McDougal
Overheard by: acep
Drunk ferry operator holding a camera: I am the shutterbug. S-H-utterbug.
–2 Toms Restaurant, Park Slope
Suit on cell: Hey, sweetie, I found your Army helmet in my car. Did you find my shirt? … Because you poured beer in my ear. Why? No idea — I was going to ask you. I can’t wait to see the moustache pictures.
–Wall St
Overheard by: Wants to see the pics
Chick on cell: I thought I told you to never call me again, and here I look down at my phone and guess who it is?! … After those pictures you sent me?!
–Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Me, Myself, Personally
20-year-old thug to friend: Yeah, she’s the prettiest. When she’s sucking on my dick and looks up, you just wanna take a picture.
–Queens-bound E platform, 14th St station
Overheard by: Nikki W
Gold-digging wife to gal pals: I am totally not going to Vegas for Jenny’s bachelorette party. Can you imagine the photos that could potentially be used in a future divorce proceeding?
–Del Posto Restaurant
Drunk chick: Let me tell you a quote from Pluto.
Drunk dude: From Pluto?
Drunk chick: Yes.
Drunk dude: Mickey Mouse’s dog?
Drunk chick: The Greek philosopher!
Drunk dude: That’s Plato!
–Bar, 3rd Ave & 63rd St
Overheard by: All2Often
Drunk girl #1: I wish Colette* would speak French to us.
Drunk girl #2: That would be, like, so awesome!
Drunk girl #3: Colette doesn’t speak French! Doesn’t she speak, like, Puerto Rican?
–Fordham University Ram Van
Overheard by: Ali McE
Drunk chick: C’mon, it’s only two a.m. It’s too early to go home.
Drunk dude: I got an audition tomorrow for The Dirt. Y’know, that movie about Motley Crue.
Drunk chick: If you go in drunk, they will think you are so rock and roll.
Drunk dude: Okay, what’s still open?
–E 7th & Ave B
Drunk #1: Yo, did you see who was just peeing next to me? Larry David! I think Larry David just sprinkled pee on my shoes!
Drunk #2: So now you’re not gonna clean your shoes ’cause they got celebrity piss on them? Why don’t you sell them on eBay?
Drunk #3: That wasn’t Larry David.
Drunk #1: Yo, then I should kick that guy’s ass for peeing on my shoes!
–Restroom, Cheap Trick concert, Beacon Theatre
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Drunk girl #1: Seriously, I hate guys. From tonight, on, I’m going to be a lesbian. Kara, you can’t say no to anyone — want to sleep with me?
Drunk girl #2: Ew!
Drunk girl #1: That’s a ‘Maybe’!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Laura
