Wednesday One-Liners’ Middle Name Is Ralph, As in Puke

Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends… That’s V as in ‘vomit.’

–57th St station

Overheard by: heroine in iniquity

Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn’t having a good time so she was like, ‘Why didn’t you just get drunk and throw up on him?’ and I was like, ‘Because I’m not gonna stoop to his level. I’ll just have someone break his legs.’

–LIRR Hicksville

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Kristen

Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what’s your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?

–PATH to Christopher St

Metal guy to friend: I’m tellin’ you, if you gotta throw up you can’t beat pancakes and syrup.

–Burger King, 34th St

Overheard by: Glad I was done eating

Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse… None of that ever happened!

–168th & Ft Washington Ave

Posted on February 21, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Guidettes, Irish, Pee, Subway conductors, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners

The Brain Cells That Recorded That May Be Dead

Hungover chick #1: I was so drunk last night I can hardly even remember counting down.
Hungover chick #2: Did we even count down?
Hungover chick #1: Yeah, idiot.
Hungover chick #2: When?

–Lyric Diner, 22nd St & 3rd Ave

Posted on February 1, 2007
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Idiots, Insults, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Talking/Convos

It’s Tentatively Titled Bride of Cluckie

Drunk Irish man: So, your screenplay is about a paralyzed chicken?
Blonde tween: No, it’s about a boy who makes his whole family paralyzed, including his chicken.

–6th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Soiled Eve

Posted on January 30, 2007
Books & Writing, Drunks, Tweens, Union Square and East Village

And Try to Ignore Their Faces

Drunk guy #1: Remember, this train is going to be full of pickpockets, so remember their faces.
Drunk girl: And hookers! It’ll be full of hookers, too!
Drunk guy #2: Nice! So, we should find out how much!

–4 train platform, 161st St

Overheard by: sooooo, how much?

Posted on January 26, 2007
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Prostitution, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

I Am Supercuts. ‘I Am Supercuts!’

Drunk NYU dude: Dude, check it out! Spartacus!
Tipsy NYU dude: What?!
Drunk NYU dude: See? Spartacus!
Tipsy NYU dude: Dude, that says, ‘Supercuts.’

–11th St & University Pl

Posted on January 26, 2007
Drunks, Stupidity, The Village, Words

Odd How Fate Has Drawn Us Together

Drunk blonde: My roommate is so fat, every day I’m like, ‘Put down the fuckin’ twinkie, fatass.’
Suit: Uh-huh.
Drunk blonde: And then she just rolls over.
Suit: Yeah, I have the same problem with my wife.

–L train

Posted on January 23, 2007
Drunks, Insults, On the Subway, Suits

But at Least There Are No More Sacrifices after That

Drunk girl #1: Being pregnant must suck.
Drunk girl #2: Why do you say that?
Drunk girl #1: Imagine not being able to drink for nine whole months.

–84th & Columbus

Posted on January 20, 2007
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

File That Come-on Under ‘Failure’

Drunk guy: Can you wipe my ass for me?
Drunk girl: You’re a grown-ass man! Wipe your own ass!

–Outside bathroom in O’Conners Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Next in line

Posted on January 18, 2007
Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Drunks, Poop, Private Parts

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their iPods on and Their Eyes Focused on the Floor

Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!

–Train from Penn Station

Overheard by: tourist…

Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.

Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!

–6 train at 23rd St

Overheard by: vic

Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.

–R train

Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!

–6 train station, 77th St

Overheard by: BJ

Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!

–Canarsie-bound L train

Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.

–1 train, rush hour

Posted on January 17, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drunks, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Penn Station, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Little Dance Number, Too

Drunk singing to tune of ‘Proud Mary’: But I never did the Macarena, and I never caught the gonorrhea…

–Stanton St & Clinton St

Conductor: Folks, I’ve been having a recurring dream that I’d like to share with you. [Singing in high falsetto voice] I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

–A train

Girl singing at fax machine: I’m bringing faxin’ back, yeah!

–Kinko’s, 54th St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: jarett

Conducter over intercom: This is the last stop on the G train. [Two minutes later, conductor raps over intercom] G train — nah mean? Nice and clean for you bums that stayed on this train.

–G train, Court St

Overheard by: I Just Missed My Stop

Conductor singing over intercom: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the blah blah blah…

–A train

Overheard by: Heather

Panhandler singing: I will pay you back!

–7th Ave & Christopher St

Overheard by: Rolfer

Posted on January 10, 2007
Conductors, Drunks, Hobos, Music

Drunks