Drunk redhead: Oh my god. I totally tore Hannah’s shirt tonight. I can’t believe I did that.
Friend in stall: Oh, she doesn’t even care, don’t worry about it.
Drunk redhead: But that was a new shirt! No one had ever worn it before, and now I ripped it. I was going to tell her to make up a crazy sex story about how it got torn, but I don’t know now.
–Restroom, Brother Jimmy’s, 80th & Amsterdam
Drunk girl: Happy New Year!
Long-haired child: Happy New Year!
Drunk girl: What’s your name?
Long-haired child: Slater.
Drunk girl: Slayer?
Long-haired child: Slate-er.
Drunk girl: That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Long-haired child: I’m a boy.
–W 113th St
Drunk girl: [Singing.]Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?
–43rd & 3rd
Overheard by: Blaze Boy
Drunk Long Island guy: Jets!
Drunk Long Island girl #1: I hate football!
Drunk Long Island girl #2: I’m a Red Sox fan.
Drunk Long Island guy: … That’s baseball. We are talking about football.
Drunk Long Island girl #2: Oh, well, I’m a Red Sox fan. That’s all I know.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Rori
Drunk 30-ish woman #1, leaning on friend: Isn’t it amazing how small men’s dicks get when they’re… you know… down?
Drunk 30-ish woman #2: It’s more amazing how small some men’s dicks are when they’re actually up.
–1 train platform
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Drunk guy: Vinny! Stop right there! [Vinny keeps walking.] Turn around! Stop walking! [Vinny ignores him.] Vinny, if you ever come in my house again and do that I will rape your mother!
–Outside Connie O’s Pub, Greenpoint
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· “And your little dog, too!” – Mandaliet
· “I’m just getting your pills, Grandpa.” – Anonymous
· “Look Where It Got You Last Time, Dad!” – Max Million
· “Red light/Green light: Hardcore rules” – travis
Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…
–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th
Overheard by: notrob
Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?
–Columbia University Med Center
Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.
–Golden Theater
Overheard by: Colleen
Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.
–2 train
Overheard by: Man with the big penis
Hobo: Go shorty, it’s your birthday…
Drunk black woman, joining in: Yeah! Go, go!
Hobo: Shorty, it’s your shorty…
Drunk black woman: You singing it wrong. It’s, ‘We gonna party like it’s your birthday.’
Passerby gives hobo two dollars.
Drunk black woman: You need to give me half of that, I helped you out with the words.
–E train
Overheard by: Ruth
Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends… That’s V as in ‘vomit.’
–57th St station
Overheard by: heroine in iniquity
Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn’t having a good time so she was like, ‘Why didn’t you just get drunk and throw up on him?’ and I was like, ‘Because I’m not gonna stoop to his level. I’ll just have someone break his legs.’
–LIRR Hicksville
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.
–LIRR train
Overheard by: Kristen
Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what’s your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?
–PATH to Christopher St
Metal guy to friend: I’m tellin’ you, if you gotta throw up you can’t beat pancakes and syrup.
–Burger King, 34th St
Overheard by: Glad I was done eating
Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse… None of that ever happened!
–168th & Ft Washington Ave
Hungover chick #1: I was so drunk last night I can hardly even remember counting down.
Hungover chick #2: Did we even count down?
Hungover chick #1: Yeah, idiot.
Hungover chick #2: When?
–Lyric Diner, 22nd St & 3rd Ave
