Over 1 Billion Wednesday One-Liners Served

Guy to friend: Yo! I’m mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] … Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald’s — angus! Angus!

–4 train

Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald’s! Someone’s being a chubby chicken!

–Queens-bound N train

Overheard by: Onion

Hobo: Just so you know, they don’t got liquor stores in heaven. They don’t got no McDonald’s, neither.

–1 train

Overheard by: Galen

Girl on cell: He’s obsessed with America’s Next Top Model… And he watches What Not to Wear… What? No… Mom, he said that McDonald’s fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!

–Pratt Institute

Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don’t want McDonald’s, I don’t know what I can get you.

–207th & Broadway

Posted on February 27, 2008
College, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Stupidity, TV, Words

Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?

Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin’? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Nicole

70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?

–Riverside Park

Drunken Don Juan: Hey… Miss… Miss… Ah… Is your husband… Is your husband married?

–Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sweet tea

Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I’m not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.

–78th & Columbus

Posted on February 27, 2008
Body Parts, Brooklyn, Creepsters, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Facebook, Guys, Old People, Parks, Pick-up Lines, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg

Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, ‘What? You want a pizza party?’ and I said, ‘No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.’ And then she goes, ‘Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I’ll drop.

–59th & Lex N/R/W stop

Overheard by: koala

Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it’s always a great party… Hmmm… Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite…

–34th & 3rd

20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year’s Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Late-30s guy: I’m the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.

–House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday… Yeah, the party was that night.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Suzz

Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks — you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.

–2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St

Overheard by: Ben

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Black People, Body Parts, Celebrations/Parties, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Default, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Penis, Sex & Relationships, The Village, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Williamsburg

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change.

–F train

Overheard by: benny

20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.

–IHOP, Staten Island

Overheard by: explosivo

Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit…

–B train

Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: fival went east

Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Brooklyn College, Default, Flight Attendants, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gossip, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Idiots, LaGuardia Airport, Movies, On the Subway, Panhandling, Philosophy, Porn, Staten Island, Stupidity, White People, Words

Actually, Meg Ryan’s Just Had Too Much Eye Work Done

Woman: Whoopsie!
Male friend #1, drunk: Whoooopsie!
Male friend #2: So, this train goes to Atlantic Avenue, right?
Woman: Right.
Male friend #2, pulling out mini map: So, we’re here… and Atlantic Avenue is…
Woman, lowering voice: You’re standing too close to that girl.
Male friend #1, drunk: What? No I’m not.
Woman: Yes, you are. You’re right in her face.
Drunk man: Oh, she doesn’t care. She’s Korean.

–Q train

Overheard by: the 6′ tall white girl he was standing WAY too close to

Posted on February 26, 2008
Default, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Gripes, Guys, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Race, Women

The Battle of the Sexes Comes to the Peace Table. Sort Of.

Girl: Please!
Guy: No!
Girl: Come on!
Guy: No!
Girl: Pleeease, just once!
Guy: I’m not going to let you mace me!
Girl: Come on… I’ll let you punch me in the ovaries.
Guy: … Just one, or both?

–Sullivan & Prince