Headline Contest Winners

And That’s When I Got the Idea For the Fucks Capacitor

Queer: So I hit my head on the locker door at the gym, and I think I damaged my cervical cortex.
Chick: I fucking hate you.

–Lispenard St

Overheard by: fat dragon

Headline by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed

Runners-Up:
· “He’s Fucked In the Head” – John
· “I Knew You Cheated Off me on the Anatomy Exam!” – kyla
· “I Also Bruised my Temporal Labia” – Justin
· “It’s Like Childbirth Every Time I Think” – alaina
· “It’s Near the Mangina” – chris
· “Katie Holmes Finally Wakes Up” – Andy Adelewitz
· “Now I Have Two Cunts Giving me a Headache.” – rather decline
· “Oddly Enough, All He Hears Is ‘You’re Fabulous'” – Alexandria Symonds
· “She Failed Her ‘Bedside Manner’ Class in Med School” – AL
· “Since You got Word-of-the-Day Toilet Paper, Things Haven’t Been the Same” – Cheeky Brit
· “So, He Looks Great, Has a Gym Membership AND a Cervix. No Wonder She Can’t Get a Date.” – Mel Mouse
· “What Mr. and Mrs. Bush Say Behind Closed Doors” – Marissa

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I Don't Think That's What Tim Gun Meant

20-something grad student #1: You can't sleep with her! Dude, she's in high school!
20-something grad student #2: Dude, she's 18!
20-something grad student #1: Dude…oh…well… Carry on!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: S.W.

Headline by: S.T.

Runners-Up:
· “Bill Finally Accepted That Ted Would Be Having an Excellent Adventure Without Him” – lex
· “Dude, Her Myspace Page Wouldn’t Lie” – the trayster
· “Ethics Majors Cram for Their Final Exams.” – Sandy Paws
· “If She Can’t Get Into College, at Least College Can Get Into Her.” – Matthew N
· “Plus, There’s the Extra Money for Tutoring Her for the SATs” – Steve
· “Then Why Is She a Sophomore?” – Mikey

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Man, Those Hobos Really Need to Take Some Creative Writing Classes

Lady to young man: Excuse me, sir, I just lost my wallet…
Young man (interrupting): And you need a dollar to get a bus home?
(lady says nothing and walks off)

–14th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: I love Artichoke!

Headline by: Allison

Runners-Up:
· “Actually I Was Hoping for Your Emergency Condom” – “Jimmy” Wrapper
· “Asshat Misses Chance at Cheap BJ” – Leary Blaine
· “Ladies Get Turned Off by Todd’s Premature Speculation Problem” – FizzyGurrl
· “Maybe She’s Afraid Of Psychics” – tedric
· “Psh, Like Buses Only Cost a Dollar” – samson
· “They Give You More If You Just Call It a “Bailout”” – stimulated economy
· “This Might Have Worked Better If They Hadn’t Already Been on the Bus” – KateNonymous

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Who Allowed Miss South Carolina Speaking Privileges Again?

Man to coworker: Yeah, sometimes we hike up to mount Kilimanjaro in the summertime.
Stupid woman: Oh, mount Kilimanjaro…is that in Vermont?
Man (taken aback): Uh, actually, it's in Tanzania.
Stupid woman: Where is that?

–1221 Avenue of the Americas

Headline by: k swin

Runners-Up:
· “It’s Considered the Vermont Of Africa, If That Helps” – mac
· “It’s Next to “The Iraq”, Like Such As… Uh…” – Virginia
· “It’s Southwest Of Vermont” – Edmund H.
· “Oh, Like Any Of You Can Point It Out on a Map?” – Natty
· “President Obama Is Still Weeding Out Bush’s Staff….” – kim

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Only for Catholics

Teen: That guy is jerkin’ it right there in public!
Mother: Look away. He just has a disease.
Teen: What? So chronic masturbation is a disease now?

–42nd St subway

Overheard by: come again?

Headline by: gerard

Runners-Up:
· “Cause Dad Said Its a Cure for Fat Wife Syndrome” – angelica cayne
· “Come Again?” – Mary Beth
· “Ironically, NOT Healed by Laying on Of Hands” – JohnnyB
· “Momma Don’t Know Jack.” – jason daniel
· “No. I Was Referring To The Pus Pockets On The Head Of His Penis.” – Redneck Jedi
· “There’s Even a 12 Stroke Program” – Grantakerous
· “We’re Tivoing _That_ Telethon!” – Vera Vaughan Hough

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That Would Explain All the Helmets.

Man to woman after hearing a man sing “Amazing Grace”: Maybe it was the all-retarded hour at church.

–Bronx

Overheard by: ClaRity

Headline by: bobofthejungle

Runners-Up:
· “Another Happy Sunday with Simon and Paula.” – again
· “But It Still Beats the All-Amputee Hour at the Strip Club.” – SNA
· “Flowers For AlgerNun” – Paul K.
· “From Midget Masses to Handicapped Hymns, Mega-Churches Pull Out All The Stops” – stacey
· “They’re Down with God” – Rostkowski

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The long version of “I was drunk”

Spunky gay boy: It’s not like I go into the bathroom to nap… But when you’re pooping it’s just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I’m like Pavlov’s dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That’s no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.

–C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St

Headline by: Gold StaR

Runners-Up:
· “But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video.” – Veronica
· “I’m Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home…I Thought Your People Were Like Cats.” – ImmaculatePizza
· “Pavlov’s Log” – Brian G
· “Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop” – Chris
· “The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT’s an Excuse.” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?” – Lezbotron

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This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens

Black girl: I can’t believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can’t believe my male cat has no penis!

–3 train

Overheard by: office peon

Headline by: Garrett Berg

Runners-Up:

· “Cat: Why don’t you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!” – morgz

· “Garfield and the angry itch” – jeff

· “I think I’ll call him Neuter Gingrich” – SNA

· “The Penis Makes the Pussy” – Adam


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The Surest Way to a Man's Heart: Through Your Large Intestine.

30-something woman #1: It's only a matter of time when you start dating a guy before he asks you the question.
30-something woman #2: What question?
30-something woman #1: C'mon, the thing that every guy asks for in bed.
30-something woman #2: Ooooooohhhh, anal sex.
30-something woman #1: That's the question!

–E Train to Queens

Overheard by: butt, of course

Headline by: Brian Costlow

Runners-Up:
· “Alex, I’ll Take “Things That Will Never Happen” for $100″ – The Trayster
· “Gotta Stop Meeting Boyfriends at the Pray Out The Gay Sessions.” – KJM
· “I Always Keep My Strap-on in My Purse – Just in Case.” – Sodajerk
· “I Just Hope He Doesn’t Ask at a Baseball Game. Too Cliche.” – pieski
· “Pooping the Question” – tech98
· “Reason #32 to Be a Lesbian” – Trey Jackson

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Today’s Quote Brought to You by the Letter Q, the Number 3, and a Total Dumbass

Tourist boyfriend: What’s Avenue Q?
Tourist girlfriend: Well, in New York City there’s a place called Alphabet City, and that’s where they have Avenues A through Z.

–Dylan Prime, Tribeca

Overheard by: rebecca marie

Headline by: Jessica Bessica

Runners-Up:
· “And Spamalot Is This City in England.” – SAtCW
· “It’s Basically a Concentration Camp for Puppets” – Mikey G.
· “It’s Right Next to Some Giant Apple” – Kelsey
· “No Tourist Left Behind” – sara
· “Ok, Can You Take Your Hand Out Of My Ass Now?” – sherman

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