Headline Contest Winners

Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry

TV: ‘It’s official — Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency…’
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don’t know… I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent — you think a woman can handle that?

–Montefiore Medical Center

Headline by: Jason

Runners-Up:

· “At least we knew Monica could handle a big load” – Roxi

· “I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas.” – Mikie

· “If she can’t handle the small “jobs” at home…” – Kenneth

· “Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that.” – bella


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Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous

Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady’s boobies?
Mommy: Well, she’s letting everybody know it’s okay to breast feed.

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel

Headline by: mbobbinson

Runners-Up:
· “…for Tips” – Melissa
· “And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?” – TJ
· “Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated” – Dangello
· “How Come I Can See Her Vagina?” – Peter Madsen
· “Later, She’ll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes” – Dawn Elizabeth

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It’s All Fun and Games Until He Drives the Bus into the River

Bus driver: Next stop: 60th Street, transfer to the four, five, six or the N/R. Sixtieth Street and Bloomingdales, next stop… Hi, everyone — I’d like to take this red light to thank you for joining us on this, the one hundred and fifteenth run of the M103 bus. Now, I know some of you have had bad days at school, work, church, et cetera, but please don’t bring that home to your loved ones. Leave all your stress on the bus, and I’ll toss it into the East River for you when we pass it. [Applause.]Middle-aged woman: Well, that was nice of him!

–M103 bus, 3rd Ave

I’d prefer if you just held me, like all the other times

Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I’m freaked out.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Zed

Headline by: tab

Runners-Up:
· “But That’s Just The Acid. Have A Seat!” – Lalaith
· “But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer” – andy
· “Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!” – not again!
· “Go Home, Britney.” – EKC
· “It Sucks to Be New York Santa” – aileen
· “Please Go Back to Humping My Leg.” – Dennis
· “The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True…” – Uulargh of the Prairie

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It Made Finding a Prom Date Easy

Teenage boy, making out with girlfriend: Did you know my mom and I are only 15 years apart?
Teenage girlfriend: No way, that must have been really hard.
Teenage boy: No, it's good to be a young mom.
(making out resumes)

–7 Train

Headline by: Botticus

Runners-Up:
· “I’ll Show You in 9 Months” – Sandy Paws
· “In Fact, It’s Bit Of a Family Tradition” – Traditionalist
· “Please Tell Me This Isn’t What Inspired Gilmore Girls” – katenonymous
· “Psychologists Call This “Priming”” – chuck

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He’s Just Not That Into You

Drunk girl: How much is a Miller Light tall boy?
Beer vendor: $3.
Drunk girl: How about $2.50?
Beer vendor: $3.
Drunk girl: How about $2.75 and my phone number?

Drunk girl gives beer vendor cell phone number.

Beer vendor: $3.

–Penn Station, LIRR

Overheard by: LC
Headline by: Anna-Liza

Runners-Up:
· “Your Jedi Mind Tricks Don’t Work While Drunk” – Anna Nio
· “‘Mommy, How Did You and Daddy Meet?'” – Becca
· “But in Syosset, I’m Beautiful” – Anastasia Beaverhausen

Honorable Mentions:
· “Losing Her Dignity for a Miller Light: Priceless” – mellamaphone
· “Ah, the Reflexive Property of Beer” – Mikey G
· “In his Defense, He Advertises ‘Cold and Frosty'” – Mike T
· “Yeah, I Tried that Line with the Laundry Machine Yesterday” – jumanji
· “C’mon! My Number Really Is 867-5309.” – will manning

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Médico Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bong

Teen girl: Yeah, everyone says I’m really bohemian.
Teen guy: Wait, I thought you were Mexican.

–N train
Headline by: Hawley Smoot

Runners-Up:
· “Are you poor or just pretending to be poor?” – Eli!
· “Because Of The Whole ‘Dirty Sanchez’ Thing, Right?” – Bored Beyond Belief
· “Bohemia: Czechs think it’s a Kingdom, Mexicans think it’s a beer. Our scientists have traced this rift in Space-Time to a New York N-Train.” – Hawley Smoot
· “Breaking News: Uptown Lawmakers Unanimously Decide to Build Twenty-Foot-Tall Fence Along 14th St.” – Alex
· “Either way, the Republicans will want to deport her” – Russ Wall
· “Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Figaro! Mexico!” – aileron
· “Mary Kate and Ashley overset the Tanning bed clock” – jojo
· “No I said I want to BE in Rent, not I can’t PAY my rent” – Riley Ray
· “Poncho Profiling” – Kaleena
· “Rhapsody in Brown” – hawaiianinny
· “The venn diagram just looks like one circle.” – Duckbill Oedipus
· “Understandable, since she smokes clove cigarettes outside of Chipotle on St. Mark’s” – chris
· “We use Pinatas to hide our weed” – Fudgie D Whale
· “Yes, I’m half Czech, but you’re all conformist.” – eyp

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Tofu : Vegetables :: Dick Cheney : Humans

Veggie-curious girl: I like to get this really great dressing and then add all sorts of interesting vegetables.
Supportive friend: Like what?
Veggie-curious girl: Tofu!

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: receptionist

Headline by: EddieA

Runners-Up:
· “And Croutons!” – Vanessa
· “Gesundheit!” – Sandy Paws
· “If Regan Can Make Ketchup a Vegetable, Why the Fuck Not?” – Humberto
· “It’s the Other White Vegetable” – do2na
· “Sometimes I Get Crazy and Add Bacon Bits!” – Botticus
· “The Vitamin Deficiency Related Death Was Really No Surprise” – Proletariat

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Or Ugly People… Still You.

Woman digging through scarves: Do you think these are for older people?
Male pal: Yes, for older people. For you.

–The Met store

Overheard by: akka

Headline by: Stretchen

Runners-Up:
· “Definetely In The Friend Zone” – Dion
· “Never Insult a Woman with a Perfect Choking Device” – Megan
· “No One Said Ashton Kutcher Was Bright” – punk’d
· “That’s It. I’m Leaving My Teeth in Next Time I Blow You.” – laladypoet
· “They Help Catch the Drool” – Dan
· “Well That’s the Last He’ll See Of the Sagging Sisters” – L

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Tuesdays with Morrie Used to Be Way Less Awkward

Guy #1 holding porn DVD: I would so love to fuck a girl that was into DP.
Guy #2: Yeah, me too, but ball touching is so gay, and I’m trying to recover from the cock.

Headline by: Will

Runners-Up:

· “Because hot cock requires cold turkey” – Greg Costello

· “He also just had laser surgery for his masturbatory blindness” – remark

· “I know dad, i know.” – nick

· “I think there’s a 12 inch program for that.” – nick

· “Rectum? That rooster nearly killed ‘im!” – Dalton

· “Step One: Stop going to the porn shop with your “buddy”” – DanaLishs


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