Kids

Time for You to “Fall Down Some Stairs”

Dad: You ask too many questions!
Five-year-old son: What time is it?

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Aili

Headline by: Babakganoosh

Runners-Up:
· “Followed By, “Why Is the World Upsidedown? Why Is the Ground Rushing Up at Me So Fast? Where Is All My Blood Going?”” – Falling 80 stories sucks
· “If You’re Gonna Catch a Beating, You May As Well Earn It.” – Xvi
· “It’s Time To Play “Justified Child Abuse”!” – Patrick
· “Preamble to the Slaughter” – Paul Tabachneck
· “Yeah, Well, Wait ’til I Get to the Hard Ones, Like, Is It Okay to Masturbate?” – Chris

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Little Lizzy Borden Was Always a Helpful Sort

Stressed manny watching three kids: Ugh! [Under his breath] I’m gonna kill myself…
Little girl: Here’s a knife [cheerily hands him a butter knife].

–W Hotel Restaurant, 17th & Park

Do What Kathy Griffin Does — Rip on Renee Zellweger

Dad: The invitation says five-thirty, but it probably won’t start until six.
Little girl: Six? I don’t understand — why do they make everyone rush to get here, and then we just have to wait?

—Miss Potter premiere, DGA Theater, 57th & 6th

But Don’t Quit Your Day Job

30-something mom: Here we are. Here we are. Get it? Here we arrre.
Five-year-old daughter: That’s a good one, Mommy.

–R train station, Union St

Overheard by: Tacologic

Just Wait ‘Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners of Your Own

Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride ‘The Earthquake.’ You like that? … Well, see, you’re too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.

–A train

Overheard by: Stephie

Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don’t know how to hustle! You ain’t no hustler, she ain’t no hustler… No hustlin’.

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?

Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!

–F train at Broadway-Lafayette

Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I’ll throw you. Then I ain’t gotta buy you no Power Ranger.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: autumn

Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.

–Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Ryn

Mom: Boy, don’t you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don’t behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I’ll call Santa on yo’ misbehavin’ ass.

–BX 21 bus

Woman holding child’s hand: You’re my daughter, right? Okay, good.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Nervous

It’s a Mad, Mad World

10-year-old, about two girls walking by: Yo, she’s mad tall! And she’s mad short! That’s mad crazy!
Passerby: I agree!

–Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: The short one.

Only If There’s Scratching and Hair-Pulling in the Dramatic Re-Enactment

Teacher: … And you’ll finish up the unit on slavery with a project about a historical figure in the slavery era.
7th grader: Can I do mine on Thomas Jefferson’s baby’s mama?

–University Neighborhood Middle School

Just Answer the Question. And Stop Slouching.

Four-year-old boy to stranger: Do you have a little boy?
30-ish single man: No, not yet.
Four-year-old boy: Why not?
30-ish single man: Because I don’t have a wife yet.
Four-year-old boy: Why not?
30-ish single man: You sound like my mother.

–38th & 2nd

Overheard by: Todd J.

Victorian Child Abuse Seems to Be on the Rise

20-ish girl, looking at armoire: You know what we could do with one of these? If you ever have kids and you don’t want to look at them, you can put them in one of these. [Friend laughs hysterically.] Oh my god, I’ve killed you.

–9th floor of Macy’s, Herald Square

Porn Stars, for Example

Little girl: Daddy, do people have white hair because they’re old?
Dad: Yes. And, in fact, some people like me have almost no hair at all.

–M86 bus, 86th & Lex

Overheard by: Jake

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