Little boy: What is that?
Mom: That’s a brain.
Little boy: Evil brain?
Mom: No, it’s not evil.
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Little boy: What is that?
Mom: That’s a brain.
Little boy: Evil brain?
Mom: No, it’s not evil.
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Four-year-old boy to random woman: Why did the skeleton go out to dinner?
Woman: Why?
Four-year-old boy: Because he wanted to get some ribs! [Boy and brother laugh hysterically.]Boys’ mom: Oh, Benjamin, you’re so shy.
Four-year-old boy: I’m not shy! I talk a lot because I’m drunk! [Ladies nearby laugh, mother blushes.] … I farted.
–LIRR
Little girl: Mom, I really, really want to jump off!
Mom: No, you really don’t.
–86th floor, Empire State Building
Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
–Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
–6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
–1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.
–Columbia University
Little boy: Sometimes I get confused. Daddy does it like this.
Mom: It’s not about the motion. See, look at my finger…
–89th & Park
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Little boy: Mommy, you smell… You didn’t take a shower.
Mom: Honey, be quiet.
Little boy: But Mommy, you do smell.
Mom: Don’t be rude.
Little boy: But Mommy, you smell and didn’t take a shower.
–M98 bus
Patient camp counselor: Instead of punching Timmy* next time, can you think of a better solution to your problem?
Sullen six-year-old: Yes. Next time I’m going to rip all his hairs out.
Patient camp counselor: Assuming that ripping hair out is camp-inappropriate, what’s something else you could do?
Sullen six-year-old: Fine, then. I’ll rip out his eyeballs and piss on his face.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Glad I’m on his good side
Kid: I don’t got no energy for dodgeball.
Speech therapist: You don’t have any energy for dodgeball? There’s always energy for dodgeball. [Kid looks confused.] Trust me, there’s always room for JELL-O, and there is always energy for dodgeball. It’s the law.
–P.S. 31, Queens
Overheard by: Wondering what that session was like
Tweaker mom: Can I get my butter, please? I paid for my butter, and I’m taking my butter. I paid for it, I tipped for it, and I’m taking it [gets butter, then starts yanking child out the door].
Young daughter: Mommy, you don’t even like butter.
–Sunny & Annie Deli, 6th St & Ave B
Tourist mom: Ohhh! Look, dear! A fire escape!
Tourist child: Oh, where? Where?
Tourist mom: See? That balcony with the ladders…
Tourist child: But how do they get down?
Tourist mom: I think that ladder on the side slides down.
Tourist child: Oh, wow. It is just like in the movies!
–Ferry bus, 49th & 6th
Overheard by: A tourist who knows better
