Kids

Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member

Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!

–Danice, 125th & 8th

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!

–6 train

Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Against Marj

Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sandy

Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.

–1 train

Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan

Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.

–Columbia University

NewsFlash: More Little Boys Can Locate the G-Spot Than Can Locate Maryland on a Map

Little boy: Sometimes I get confused. Daddy does it like this.
Mom: It’s not about the motion. See, look at my finger…

–89th & Park

Overheard by: MojoSaves

Why So Many Kids Are on Milk Cartons

Little boy: Mommy, you smell… You didn’t take a shower.
Mom: Honey, be quiet.
Little boy: But Mommy, you do smell.
Mom: Don’t be rude.
Little boy: But Mommy, you smell and didn’t take a shower.

–M98 bus

Punching Is Good

Patient camp counselor: Instead of punching Timmy* next time, can you think of a better solution to your problem?
Sullen six-year-old: Yes. Next time I’m going to rip all his hairs out.
Patient camp counselor: Assuming that ripping hair out is camp-inappropriate, what’s something else you could do?
Sullen six-year-old: Fine, then. I’ll rip out his eyeballs and piss on his face.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Glad I’m on his good side

Fight or Flight — Every Soldier Knows It

Kid: I don’t got no energy for dodgeball.
Speech therapist: You don’t have any energy for dodgeball? There’s always energy for dodgeball. [Kid looks confused.] Trust me, there’s always room for JELL-O, and there is always energy for dodgeball. It’s the law.

–P.S. 31, Queens

Overheard by: Wondering what that session was like

Gonna Be a Long Childhood

Tweaker mom: Can I get my butter, please? I paid for my butter, and I’m taking my butter. I paid for it, I tipped for it, and I’m taking it [gets butter, then starts yanking child out the door].
Young daughter: Mommy, you don’t even like butter.

–Sunny & Annie Deli, 6th St & Ave B

Can We Go See the Daily Planet Building?

Tourist mom: Ohhh! Look, dear! A fire escape!
Tourist child: Oh, where? Where?
Tourist mom: See? That balcony with the ladders…
Tourist child: But how do they get down?
Tourist mom: I think that ladder on the side slides down.
Tourist child: Oh, wow. It is just like in the movies!

–Ferry bus, 49th & 6th

Overheard by: A tourist who knows better

Would You Like Some Extremely Hot Coffee?

Little girl: Hey, my friend makes more money than you.
Employee: Yeah, I’m sure that’s true.
Little girl: No. Look at her — she’s seven and doesn’t have a job.
Employee: You’re making me feel much better.

–McDonald’s, Delancey & Essex

Usually Found in a Bush

Boy: Mommy, what’s a vah-jay-jay?
Mom: A bird, sweetie! A wonderful bird.

–Wall St

Or at Least Give You a Series of Ineffective Time-Outs

Kid yelling: What are we doing after dinner? [Parents ignore him] What are we doing after dinner?!
Mom, calmly: Stop yelling, or I’ll have to kill you.

–10th St, between Broadway & University

Overheard by: Calling the Morgue

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