50-something guy #1: That food was so good last night.
50-something guy #2: I think we were just drunk.
50-something guy #1: No, that was a great grilled cheese… Remember the Russian hooker with the whip?
50-something guy #2: Yeah… Here’s 14th Street.
–A train
Overheard by: Steph
MTA employee: What train is this?
Subway rider: Uh… the W.
MTA employee: Does it go to City Hall?
Subway rider: Yes, it follows the same line as the R.
MTA employee: Oh, okay, good. [Upon reaching City Hall] Wow, that was fast.
–W train at Whitehall Station
Working girl #1: I love your ring. Where’d you get it?
Working girl #2: It’s my grandma’s. We just found her will.
Working girl #1: Wait, oh my god, when did your grandmother die?
Working girl #2: She hasn’t, yet.
–4/5/6 train, Wall St station
Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors.
–4 train
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain’t playin’! Stand clear the fuckin’ doors!
–E train
Conductor: Listen, folks. I’m paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you.
–3 train
Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan!
–C train
Overheard by: The Man
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don’t hold people! People hold doors.
–R train
Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors.
–3 train, 14th St
Overheard by: clarence rosario
Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it!
–23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
Girl on cell: Yo! I’m in class trying to act all straight, and it’s hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o’ that shit. I have to go, my professor’s here.
–John Jay College of Criminal Justice
Overheard by: hannah
JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don’t know how to change it.
–Shun Lee Palace
Overheard by: colette
Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes.
–Borough of Manhattan Community College
Overheard by: Caitl
Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, ‘I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.’
–6 train, 68th St
Overheard by: glad they went to private school
Ghetto guy #1: That broad last night was a dude, man.
Ghetto guy #2: Nah, yo, she was fine.
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, nigga, you was making out with a man.
Ghetto guy #2: She had a fine ass, though.
Ghetto guy #1: It was a man, yo!
Ghetto guy #2: I ain’t gay though, right?
–E train, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Tina B=Tits McGee
Teen chick #1: So, like, how come you always hear about how they do tests and stuff to find out who babies’ dads are, but you never hear about dads checking who the mother is?
Teen chick #2: I guess the dads just never care that much.
–F train
Overheard by: please stop talking
Hobo: You got any change?
Girl: Sorry, I only have twenties.
–D train
Overheard by: still laughing
Heavy lady: I caught him the other day puttin’ lip gloss on. I was all like, ‘The hell you think you’re doin’, boy?’ He was all like, ‘I like the way it looks, it’s cool.’ I swear, we were in there, and he came running over to me. ‘Ma, Ma, can I have this?’ And he hands me a flavored lip gloss. I beat his ass right in the store. I mean, it tastes good, but I ain’t about him usin’ lip gloss. That boy ain’t right.
Interlude for passenger disembarkment.
Heavy lady: I swear, somethin’s wrong with that boy. He was on the phone with his boy for, like, two hours. I went to his room to see what he was doing. I swear he was jerkin’ off with his man on the phone.
Friend: With his friend?
Heavy lady: Mmmhm. He’s layin’ there naked, and he tells me he wasn’t doin’ nothin’… He was ‘hot,’ he says. Shit. I told his ass I don’t want his gay ass jerkin’ off on the phone.
Friend: Oh, no.
Interlude for passenger disembarkment.
Heavy lady: You know, my little one came to me and handed me something. She’s all like, ‘Can I have this candy?’ You know what she hands me?
Friend: What?
Heavy lady: A banana-flavored latex condom. I asked her, ‘Where’d you get this?’ You know, because I be usin’ polyurethane condoms, and my little one is only five and she don’t need to be usin’ condoms yet.
–Q train to Manhattan
Overheard by: Alex Agius
Woman to young son: That’s not a superhero, that’s a rat.
–Subway station, 116th & Lenox
Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors or else you will be bitten by a rat!
–A train
Overheard by: Jake
Mother to child: Don’t do that or I’m going to throw you in the sewer… with the rats and the alligators.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Thompson
Guy holding four-year-old: Damn, this mothafucka smells like rat ass and monkey nuts.
–2 train, Fulton & Nassau
Man: They call it ‘rat poison,’ but it could just as easily be called ‘husband poison.’
–Near Fat Black Pussycat, W 3rd St
Overheard by: Leslie G.
