Public Transportation

Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Kramden

Bus driver: This bus is making all the same stops as the subway. This bus is the train! This bus is the train! Choo-choo!

–Bus running as the 7 train

Bus driver: Step on in. Step on in. Tropical palm trees in the back.

–Q101 bus, 59th & 2nd

Overheard by: marerod

Bus driver, about blonde cop crossing street: Christie Brinkley there is looking to lock someone up so she can make detective next week.

–B75 bus, Brooklyn

Bus driver: Everybody sliiide to the left… Sliiide to the right… One hop this time!

–B44 bus

Overheard by: steph

Ballin’ driver: Dem tips are not just for the ride, they fo’ the looks. Much love!

–LaGuardia shuttle bus

Overheard by: Alex

Bus driver: Utopia!

–Q46 bus

Bus driver: Attention ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready for inspection.

–79th St Crosstown Bus

If He Were, I’d Be Using a Different Tone of Voice

Student #1: I was riding the six train home and I felt something on my arm. I looked over and this guy was rubbing his penis on my arm! [Class gasps in horror.]Student #2: Well, was he cute?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Never riding the 6 train again

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife

Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.

–Subway platform, South Ferry

Overheard by: annikee

Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: soixantedeux

Chick after V train passes through the station: There’s a runaway V train and people are still on it!

–C/E platform, 23rd St

Girl: Whenever I’m on the subway all I can think about is sex!

–NYU

Overheard by: ana

Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.

–14th St station

Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is

Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?

–W 93rd St

Tourist girl: Waaait… Is this the bus?

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: MegMC

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.

–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!

–W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

–54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.

–14th & 2nd

Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

–Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.

–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.

–Office, Park Ave South

A Real New Yorker Would’ve Said No

Drunk lady: Excuse me, does this train go to Grand Central?
Guy departing train: Yeah.

–6 platform, Grand Central

Overheard by: maybe i should have said something…

Because Harlem Is Lovely This Time of Year

Student: What’s the closest subway station that will get us to the Bronx?
Hotel worker: Are you sure that’s where you wanna get?

–Radisson Hotel

Oh Shit, Here Comes Another Cop!

Thug #1: Damn, how come every time a nigga tries to ride the subway the damn cops got to search ‘im?
Thug #2: Um, I dunno, maybe ’cause every time you see a cop, you yell, ‘Oh, shit, the po-lice!’ Fuckin’ dumbass. That wasted 10 fuckin’ minutes! I’m not ridin’ the train wit’ you no more.
Thug #1: Hey, it ain’t my fault! I’m from the projects. That’s, like, what we do!

–4 train

Overheard by: Mike N

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

MTA: Select Trains Will Now Feature Relationship Counselors

Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.

–1 train, 14th St station

Overheard by: Next stop was Houston

A Golden New York Moment

Girl #1: Dude, I need to take a shower.
Girl #2: Ew, yeah — you smell… What happened?
Girl #1: I was on the one train and, like, suddenly this guy, like, pulled it out, like, just right out there.
Girl #2: Are you kidding?
Girl #1: Yeah, oh my god, it was horrible… Horrible! His pee, like, was coming down the train. Like, just streaming down.
Girl #2: Oh my god, that must have been the longest train ride from 110th to 116th ever.
Girl #1: You are telling me.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Makelikeatreeandleave

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