Student #1: I was riding the six train home and I felt something on my arm. I looked over and this guy was rubbing his penis on my arm! [Class gasps in horror.]Student #2: Well, was he cute?
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Never riding the 6 train again
Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.
–Subway platform, South Ferry
Overheard by: annikee
Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: soixantedeux
Chick after V train passes through the station: There’s a runaway V train and people are still on it!
–C/E platform, 23rd St
Girl: Whenever I’m on the subway all I can think about is sex!
–NYU
Overheard by: ana
Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.
–14th St station
Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is
Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?
–W 93rd St
Tourist girl: Waaait… Is this the bus?
–E train, Queens
Overheard by: MegMC
Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.
–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison
20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!
–W 10th & Waverly
Overheard by: I call it that too
Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?
–54th & 10th
Overheard by: Allisa
Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.
–14th & 2nd
Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.
–Chambers & West Side Hwy
Overheard by: Mike McG
Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.
–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson
VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.
–Office, Park Ave South
Drunk lady: Excuse me, does this train go to Grand Central?
Guy departing train: Yeah.
–6 platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: maybe i should have said something…
Student: What’s the closest subway station that will get us to the Bronx?
Hotel worker: Are you sure that’s where you wanna get?
–Radisson Hotel
Thug #1: Damn, how come every time a nigga tries to ride the subway the damn cops got to search ‘im?
Thug #2: Um, I dunno, maybe ’cause every time you see a cop, you yell, ‘Oh, shit, the po-lice!’ Fuckin’ dumbass. That wasted 10 fuckin’ minutes! I’m not ridin’ the train wit’ you no more.
Thug #1: Hey, it ain’t my fault! I’m from the projects. That’s, like, what we do!
–4 train
Overheard by: Mike N
Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.
–B44 bus
Overheard by: Katia
Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.
–Port Authority bus terminal
Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.
–101 bus, 68th & 3rd
Overheard by: Sashanyc
Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.
–M79 bus, 79th & 5th
Overheard by: mar
Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.
–86th St crosstown bus
Overheard by: Hannah Rose
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
–1 train, 14th St station
Overheard by: Next stop was Houston
Girl #1: Dude, I need to take a shower.
Girl #2: Ew, yeah — you smell… What happened?
Girl #1: I was on the one train and, like, suddenly this guy, like, pulled it out, like, just right out there.
Girl #2: Are you kidding?
Girl #1: Yeah, oh my god, it was horrible… Horrible! His pee, like, was coming down the train. Like, just streaming down.
Girl #2: Oh my god, that must have been the longest train ride from 110th to 116th ever.
Girl #1: You are telling me.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Makelikeatreeandleave
Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until… ever. Smoking is bad for you.
–American Airlines flight
Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!
–Outside Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us
Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself
Professor arguing with student: I’m just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it’s just not cutting it.
–100 Washington Sq East
Little girl: Mommy, you know how it’s cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.
–Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station
Overheard by: wasn’t me
Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I’d grind ’em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.
–PATH, 9th St
Overheard by: Zenana
Chick: I think I’m going to take up smoking in order to make friends.
–Christopher & Bleecker
