Sex

Zero Christians Set to March in Union Square

Guy #1: What, you got a problem with me cursing?
Guy #2: Nah, nah, it’s just that, you know, sayin’ “holy fuck” is like talkin ’bout Jesus’s mom fuckin’ his dad and it’s not cool to talk about Jesus’s mom fuckin’ people.
Guy #1: Dumbass, Jesus’s mom didn’t fuck anyone. She was a fuckin’ virgin. How do I know this and you don’t? You’re the Christian.
Guy #2: What are you talkin’ ’bout? How could Jesus have been born if his mom hadn’t screwed his dad? Wait, who was Jesus’s dad again?
Guy #1: Dude, are you serious?

–F train

An Apple in the Mouth is More Traditional

Man #1: Yo, your girl is huge.
Man #2: I like big ladies; more to love.
Man #1: But damn, she’s all, “Baby, give me more macaroni and cheese. Ooh yeah baby, put more cheese on top.” That’s sick, man.
Man #2: Yeah, but she knows how do to her thing, you know?
Man #1: Fuck that. She can’t even get through a sentence without running out of breath. Coughing and wheezing, sweat running down her face.
Man #2: What do you want me to do?
Man #1: Give her a fucking carrot or something! Shit.

–C train

Overheard by: Melissa Fahlstrom

Wednesday One-liners Are Upright Citizens

Suit on cell: Hey, yeah…Yeah, I just got back from 100 Centre Street. Yeah, Georgie Boy was drooling over counselor’s dick…You know, Georgie Boy: Boy George…That’s right, on his knees drooling over counselor’s dick. Moron lives on Mulberry, right around the corner from 100 Centre Street. They found like six bags of blow, says lots of people stay there, not his, whatever. But he’s shitting in his diaper…What?…Yeah, just six bags, whatever. But he’s drooling over counselor’s dick. I told him, “Don’t worry Georgie Boy”–we only call him “Georgie Boy”–I told him, “Don’t worry, you have a Jewish lawyer.” Do you really want to blow me?…Huh? What?…No!

–Russian & Turkish Baths, East 10th Street

Overheard by: Trey Desolay

Wednesday One-liners Are Ready for Valentine’s

Yale guy on cell: Oh, you’ll like this. So, I hooked up with this girl this weekend, and got a handjob from her…But, the thing is, she had one hand…No, she had an arm, just no hand. And she gave me a handjob. With the other one…I started laughing when she started giving me a handjob, because, well…Yeah. The irony of the whole thing…Yeah, but she was real hot…Huge boobs…I think I’m gonna try and hook up with her again and see if she’ll rub my balls…Yeah, man, with the other one…The other…Yeah.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: rDave

Wednesday One-liners Could Use Some Color

Hipster guy: Two black guys fucking two white bitches on Martin Luther King day. That shit’s trippy. I bet that was what that whole “I have a dream” shit was really about. The right to fuck white bitches.

–Starbucks, 28th & 3rd

I Think We Need a Translator

Queer: What’s missionary?
Chick: Like regular.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Jess McGins

The Math, Not So Much

Drunk chick: We are in the business together, so you give me your project and I’ll give you a fuck.
Guy: A fuck?
Drunk chick: Yeah, ’cause I love my job that much…I’m like, 130%…no, wait…140% into my work.
Guy: Really?
Drunk chick: Dude, I’m all about the art.

–Employees Only, Hudson Street

There’s an SAT Question Here Somewhere

Dude: Wait, who’s Pete?
Chick: Pete’s the guy who’s sleeping with John’s girlfriend.
Dude: Oh, right.

–Office, 48th & 6th

Overheard by: this guy

Guy #1: You mean the roommate who sleeps naked on the top bunk?
Guy #2: No, that’s Bobby. I’m talking about Steve. He’s the one who farts all the time.
Guy #1: My bad.

–81st & Broadway

Overheard by: Dr. X

The Bottom of His Class

Chick: I’ve already slept with 6 professors and it’s only two weeks
into the semester.
Guy: Tell me about it. I slept with this one prof last night…he really taught me a thing or two.

–4th & Mercer

Overheard by: Timothy Leary

Don’t Forget About Jack Bauer Power Hour

Guy #1: So this Jack guy is basically the luckiest man in the world.
Guy #2: Why, because he’s survived like 5 attempts on his life and it’s not even noon?
Guy #1: No; he could totally nail those two chicks.

–6 train

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