Subway conductors

Wednesday One-Liners Watch the Nature Channel

Keen observer: They’re fuckin’ cowards, man! Mountain lions are cowards, too.

–12th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Loud girl on cell: Well don’t ask me! I don’t know anything about the mechanics of whale sex!

–9th Ave

Subway conductor: Please enter the train as human beings, not wild animals.

–23rd St F station

Guy: Yeah that reminds me of my first time. He took me to dinner but was too nice and perfect. Then in bed he made animal noises and his cat was like between us and he didn’t kick it out of bed.

–Nowhere bar, 14th St between 1st and 2nd

From Next Season’s Medium

Conductor: For local service, switch to the D Train. Yes, for local service, take the D. I know many of you don’t believe me, but I know you know in your hearts that I am right. And if you glance to your right, you’ll see there is a D train on the next platform. Excellent.

–B train

Her Tour Is Over When Your Twenty Runs Out

Conductor on PA: And remember, it’s Fleet Week in the city and you’ll be seein’ lots of our service men and women in the streets. Be sure to express your appreciation and genuine gratitude for their service.
Young suit #1: For their services!
Young suit #2 Uhhhh, no; for their service. [points to scantily-clad girl with heavy makeup and fishnets] You’d thank her for her services.

–Manhattan-bound 2 train

Those Guys Take Forever in There

Girl: Where’s the bathroom?
She tries to open the door to the conductor’s box.
Girl: Who’s in there? I have to use the bathroom!

–1 train uptown

Overheard by: jonathan renshon

Guess My Map’s Out of Date

Conductor: Okay, okay…all you white people get off the train here. That’s right, hippies and hipsters. If you under thirty-five and white, you don’t want to stay on this train no mo’. The next stop will be the ghet-to!

–Flatbush-bound 2 express train at Eastern Parkway/Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: chagrined hipster

The Long Arm of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be moving shortly. There is a police investigation taking place on this train. Have a nice day.

–F train

Overheard by: scittle

The Trailers Are the Best Part of Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Grand Central, coming soon to a station stop near you.

–Metro-North, 125th St.

Overheard by: A Dedicated Commuter

Man talking to himself: Automated cartoon movie life. I don’t want it.

–45th & 6th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

A Strike Is Just a Vacation with Jail Time

Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound…
[Long pause] Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train…oh damnit.
[long pause] Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train approaching Nevins Avenue.
Guy: It’s Nevins Street, lady! The stop before that is Atlantic Avenue.
Lady: That person needs to go the fuck back on strike. She went 0 for fucking 3.

–Nevins Street station

Overheard by: Luke

I Have to Catch Mackerel North from Clam Central Station

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to rush onto this train, pushing others and possibly risking a fall, an injury, or worse. This is a 6 train and at this time of day there will be another 6 train every 5 minutes, so there is no need to risk injury… There will be another 6 train coming in 5 minutes. What do you think this is, the Tunaville Trolley? This is the 6 train!

–6 train

Some People Shouldn’t Get the Clicker

Conductor #1: I have to head back to check out a problem.
Conductor #2: What’s the problem?
Conductor #1: Apparently some guy is masturbating in his seat.
Conductor #3: Could you two please switch to another channel?

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: Steve Ross

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