Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Porcupine Quills

Woman on crowded train: They’re gonna make me eat the pole.

–E train

Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to

Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren’t, you better get off of me!

–Crowded Q27 bus

Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!

–C train

Overheard by: Maggie

Bus driver: Move it back, people, it’s crowded. It’s gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say — ‘If it’s tight, it’s alright.’

–10th St & Ave D

Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.

–F train, Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Posted on March 26, 2008
Bus Drivers, Default, Fears, Men, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Questions, Soho, Subway conductors, Union Square and East Village, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Get an “A” in Conduct

Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!

–1 train

Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?

–6 train stop, 51st & Lex

Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.

–L train

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.

–7 train

Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.

–A train

Overheard by: Rita

Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Carol Ann

Posted on March 26, 2008
Clothing, Default, Holidays, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nice People, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Trains Not Subway, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

All We Need Is a Wednesday One-Liner in the White House

Middle-aged black woman: William Shatner should run for president or governor or mayor or something… He’s got the charisma.

–Staten Island Ferry snack bar

Overheard by: Stephanie

Hobo spinning in circles: ‘Bout time we got some poontang in the White House! There’s a first time for everything!

–117th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Thug, watching Elliot Spitzer and Chuck Schumer drive by: Who da fuck these niggas?

–Super Bowl Parade

Overheard by: No idea

Scholar: I’m voting for Osama Barack.

–F train

Overheard by: Terrorized

Conductor: Grand Central Station. Two and Three trains across the platform. Change here for the Seven, A, C, E, and shuttle to Times Square. Vote Obama.

–1 train, Grand Central

Drunk guido during post-Super Bowl rioting: I mean, who cares who the next president is after this?

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Posted on March 26, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Black People, Default, Drunks, Gender issues, Government, Grand Central, Guidos, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Politics, President, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Thugs, Train Station, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody’s Gotta Do Them

Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.

–1 train, 125th St

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: ADA

20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!

–Morton & Hudson

Overheard by: Sam

Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!

–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth

Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.

–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway

Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.

–109th & Amsterdam

Posted on March 26, 2008
Abortion, Balls, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Default, Druggies, Drugs, Education, Girls, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Punch, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Subway conductors, Teens, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners’ Middle Name Is Ralph, As in Puke

Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends… That’s V as in ‘vomit.’

–57th St station

Overheard by: heroine in iniquity

Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn’t having a good time so she was like, ‘Why didn’t you just get drunk and throw up on him?’ and I was like, ‘Because I’m not gonna stoop to his level. I’ll just have someone break his legs.’

–LIRR Hicksville

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Kristen

Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what’s your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?

–PATH to Christopher St

Metal guy to friend: I’m tellin’ you, if you gotta throw up you can’t beat pancakes and syrup.

–Burger King, 34th St

Overheard by: Glad I was done eating

Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse… None of that ever happened!

–168th & Ft Washington Ave

Posted on February 21, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Guidettes, Irish, Pee, Subway conductors, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners

Wasn’t This an Eddie Murphy Skit?

Hobo: You’re all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.

–M train

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Posted on January 4, 2007
Conductors, History & Geography, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, NYC Geography, On the Subway, People, Places, Subway conductors, Topics

Physician, Heal Thyself

MTA employee: What train is this?
Subway rider: Uh… the W.
MTA employee: Does it go to City Hall?
Subway rider: Yes, it follows the same line as the R.
MTA employee: Oh, okay, good. [Upon reaching City Hall] Wow, that was fast.

–W train at Whitehall Station

Posted on January 1, 2007
NYC Geography, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Subway conductors

And I’m a Mets Fan

MTA personnel: I’m sorry, sir, the first three cars are for passengers with special needs.
Drunken Mets fan: My ass hurts.

–7 train platform, Willets Point, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: UptownGirl

Posted on November 25, 2006
Drunks, Mets, On the Subway, Subway conductors

Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Train (Whoo-Whoo!) and Ride It

Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don’t drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink ’til you go blind. Have a nice evening.

–Metro North, Grand Central

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh… Franklin… naw, that’s not it. Well, let’s go.

–Brooklyn bound R train

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman’s booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?

–7 train

Overheard by: Margarita

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–4 train, Wall St

Overheard by: Pandora

Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors… Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late… gonna make us all late!

–Queens bound R train

Overheard by: Jay Kay

Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you’re not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.

–Uptown 4 train

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!

–Downtown E train

Overheard by: tyler ann

Posted on October 4, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Brooklyn, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Grand Central, On the Subway, People, Pick-up Lines, Places, Pop Culture, Queens, Sex & Relationships, Sports, Subway conductors, The Bronx, Time, Topics, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, TV, Venues, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Yankee Stadium, Yankees

Subway conductors