Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Christians are praying and not killing. The Christians only kill once in two thousand years, or maybe a thousand years. Three hundred years. God will forgive you for killing a hundred men, but he will kill you because of the radio.

–R train

Chick on cell: You murdered him? Oh… you didn’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your image.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Laura

Dude: Yo, don’t be so angry while I kill everyone.

–GWB Terminal, 175th St

Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pinto beans.”

–10th St & 1st Ave

B&T girl: I want that exact kind of relationship. Except for, like, the whole mass murdering thing.

–Knitting Factory, Leonard St

Professor: Why kill yourself when you can just steal someone else’s idea?

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep & arielle

Woman on cell: Do you know how many executions I’ve been to over the last year?…5.

–Central Park

Overheard by: MC

Who Put the Bomp in the Wednesday One-Liners?

Blind panhandler, singing: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see… If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on, honey, let me know…

–N train

Overheard by: Dan McInerney

Hispanic man singing loudly to tune of ‘Yellow Submarine’: We all live in your mother’s dungarees, your mother’s dungarees, your mother’s dungarees…

–35th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: CCF

Hobo singing to himself: I want to eat pussy, I want to eat pussy.

–Hudson & Christopher

Overheard by: Someone in a Tree

Street corner freestyler: You can’t send me back like Elian, what the hellian?

–Washington Square

Four-year-old, singing: We in the bed like, ‘Oooh, oooh, oooh, like oooh, oooh, oooh!’

–1 train, 116th St stop

Conductor, rapping: If you hold the doors while the train’s in the station, we will be delayed getting to our destination, and you will find yourself in a situation.

–A train

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Have Trouble Re-Folding the Map

New Yorker: …and then the tourists paused near the construction of the New York Times’ new building, and one, who was I guess their leader, pointed to it and said, “Everyone, that’s Ground Zero.”

–26th & Park

Tourist: And this is H Street. So we’ll be in SoHo next.

–Houston Street

Tourist girl: Oh, look! I think that’s Times Square!

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: Sumitra

Woman on cell: No, I can’t. I’m in the Times Square area right now.

–Canal & Baxter

Overheard by: Steph J.

Dude: Excuse me, is this Times Square?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Dumbfounded

Teenage girl: Does this train go to Manhattan?

–Times Square, waiting for the downtown C train

Overheard by: Courtney

Tourist: Wait, are we in Manhattan or just New York?

–Times Square

Overheard by: betsy

Australian hipster: Could you tell me how to get back to Manhattan?

–112th & Broadway

Holy Wednesay-One-Liners, Batman!

Little boy, hearing loud explosion: Jesus Christ!

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: Farley

Suit to girlfriend: Are you mad at Jesus?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt

Girl, pointing to eyebrow ring: I receive God through this hole in my eye!

–Financier Patisserie, Stone St

Overheard by: Gen

Teen girl: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Jesus. It was so not hot.

–Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: Lotte

Black man: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: jackattack

JAP: When I told my mom I didn’t want to fast today she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Ummm, I think God did.’

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: ak

Man to cop: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Jehovah’s Nitwits?

–Grand Central

Wednesday One-Liners Get Paid Friday

Man looking at the Metronome clock: I think that’s the national deficit.

–Union Square

Employee: Shit, I don’t have no pennies. Tell Dunkin’ Donuts they owe you nine cents!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Graham Ave

Girl: Non-profit groups are, like, so non-lucrative!

–Fulton St

Overheard by: Pants

Spastic kid: All I have to my name is a cigarette and two Sacagawea coins!

–Webster Hall

Overheard by: Jess Cohennnnn

JAP on cell: I had a nightmare last night that Mom canceled my credit card statement… I know! It was the worst — like, I woke up sweating!

–NYU

Overheard by: glamourcharm

Chick: ‘Insufficient fare’?! What does that mean?

–7th Ave subway station

The United States of Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: You want to know why America is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed.

–53rd & Madison

Overheard by: Ramblin Bradley Scott

Guy on cell: I’m just so sick of hearing about Gaza. So many people getting shot…it just sounds like LA.

–86th & CPW

Girl: “AKA” means “otherwise known as.” This is America!

–23 Street C station

Hipster guy on cell: How’s Delaware?…Aw, I’m sorry…Your grandma what?…Ew!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Shawn Chesterfield

Hobo: I wish all of America was in Jordan.

–Stuyvesant Park

Woman: …It’s not the money I’m worried about, it’s just that
Hoboken taxi drivers are shitheads.

–Office, 50th & 6th

Woman on cell: …and I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to find a hooker? This isn’t Las Vegas!

–54th & 6th

Overheard by: Eface

Tourist man: One way ticket to Hewston please.

–50th Street 1 station

Turbaned white guy: Well, obviously I’m American, but my preferred religion is Punjabi.

–Union Square

Overheard by: misha

Suit: Hawaii is so boring! There’s nothing to do but stay calm.

–52nd & Lexington

Girl: Have you been to the rest of the country? The rest of the country is not New York. They obviously don’t know anything about fashion.

–Shea Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners are Part of New York City… Technically

Hipster girl: ‘Flushing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Beautiful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watching girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Stadium

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Prepare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train platform, Penn Station

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brooklyn-bound A train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Manhattan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Manhattan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Manhattan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

Announcement over the subway: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train empties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Are Like a Dog in Heat

Conductor: Hey, clear the closing doors, bitch.

–8th St

Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the police on you this week? … Did she have you escorted out of her building this week? … No? Then why did you call me? You just wanted to tell me that? … Oh, you had a big fight? Was it because she’s a crazy bitch?

–225th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you’d be my bitch!

–Hudson & Christopher

Overheard by: Talia

Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hungry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She’s only 21. Gonna marry that bitch.

–34th & 8th

Guy to buddy: No, it actually sucks because she’s a selfish bitch. She switched our cell phones because mine vibrates better… So she can get off in her cube.

–Hershey store, Times Square

Dude on cell: Well… Well, there’s groups of bitches. There’s, like, a group of bitches here… and a group of bitches there.

–Outside bar, 32nd & 4th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: A Lone Bitch

Guy in full yellow suit with matching hat: I don’t get this girl. You know what I’m saying, ’cause you know I’m the nicest nigga to a bitch.

–Waiting for the L, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?

–D train

Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan

Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.

–Magnolia Bakery

Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emilia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Central Station

British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Varick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Columbia campus

Overheard by: Cheney

Gay Wednesday One-liners

Special Collections Librarian: We have over 1,000 queer porn novels.

–Fales Library, NYU

Queer hipster on cell: Hey size nine, it’s size zero. Call me back when you get this.

–Williamsburg, Bedford Ave

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