Conductors

Wednesday One-Liners Will TiVo It

Guy: I sold everything — the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights… They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I’ll only have one million, and that doesn’t go as far as it used to.

–MoMA lobby

Overheard by: foofoo

Fat chick: … So I was like, ‘Mom, what the fuck? I don’t need a diet.’ Then she goes, ‘But your doctor told you that you’re a hundred pounds overweight — eat healthier!’ Then I just told her, ‘Screw you!’ I’d rather go on Maury than lose weight!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: Maury Povich’s viewer

Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We’s gonna be on TV, nigga!

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Liberace wannabe on cell: … And I thought, ‘Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!’

–44th & 9th

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Wednesday One-Liners Couldn’t Get into Stuyvesant

Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn’t graduate… Don’t major in Chemistry. Also, don’t smoke crack.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: not planning on it

Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside — this train is not made of spandex.

–F train

Overheard by: BellaFrancine

Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.

–Dorm room, Columbia campus

Overheard by: college girl

Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? … How many things are wrong with that?

–Salvation Army store, Waverly Place

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

For Wednesday One-Liners, Sexy Never Went Away

Teen boy: I really think that in Dracula the vampire dude is trying to bring the sexy back to England.

–F train

Overheard by: Mike N

Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.

–6 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Katey

Girl: That was a sexy garbage can…

–Stuyvesant High School

Little boy in stroller: I’m bringing sexy back!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: sarah B

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Little Dance Number, Too

Drunk singing to tune of ‘Proud Mary’: But I never did the Macarena, and I never caught the gonorrhea…

–Stanton St & Clinton St

Conductor: Folks, I’ve been having a recurring dream that I’d like to share with you. [Singing in high falsetto voice] I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

–A train

Girl singing at fax machine: I’m bringing faxin’ back, yeah!

–Kinko’s, 54th St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: jarett

Conducter over intercom: This is the last stop on the G train. [Two minutes later, conductor raps over intercom] G train — nah mean? Nice and clean for you bums that stayed on this train.

–G train, Court St

Overheard by: I Just Missed My Stop

Conductor singing over intercom: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the blah blah blah…

–A train

Overheard by: Heather

Panhandler singing: I will pay you back!

–7th Ave & Christopher St

Overheard by: Rolfer

The Right to Walk to Work

Conductor: Uh, ma’am, you can’t stand in the doorway.
Woman: Why not?
Conductor: Because then the train won’t move.
Woman: And who’s it to you to tell me what I can and can’t do on this train? I’m a New Yorker, I have rights!
Conductor: I’m the conductor.
Woman: Well, then I don’t want to be on your train!

–A train

Overheard by: Calmandodd

Wasn’t This an Eddie Murphy Skit?

Hobo: You’re all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.

–M train

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Door Prize

Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors.

–4 train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain’t playin’! Stand clear the fuckin’ doors!

–E train

Conductor: Listen, folks. I’m paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you.

–3 train

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan!

–C train

Overheard by: The Man

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don’t hold people! People hold doors.

–R train

Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors.

–3 train, 14th St

Overheard by: clarence rosario

Subterranean Homesick Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, as the 7 connection pulls from the station across the platform: All of you can thank the passenger in the fifth car down for holding the doors at 59th and making all of you miss your connection.

–N train at Queensboro

Conductor: All right, you had your chance… doors are closing.

–Downtown 1 train @ 42nd st

Overheard by: Mark Manne

Conductor on speaker: We will be stopping in this station for an unspecified amount of time due to our hour delay. There is no scheduled departure time for this train. Once the maintenance is finished we will be departing unannounced. I repeat, we will be leaving unannounced. So if you do decide to step off the train, remember: the train didn’t leave you–you left the train.

–Amtrak train Penn Station

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: Attention on the platform. There is no F service in Brooklyn this weekend. For F service to Manhattan, please get on this G train and listen for announcements. Otherwise, you will be waiting here until Monday morning.

–Queens-bound G train, Bergen St.

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the world. Transfer here to everything. Bye.

–7 train station, Times Square

Overheard by: Margarita

Conductor: Due to destruction, there is no service on the 1 train. Repeat, due to destruction, the 1 train is suspended.

–Downtown 2 train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Manhattan-bound N train. Now everybody throw their hands in the air! This is going to be fun! Whee!

–N train going around bend, pulling into Queensboro Plaza

Do Squatters Have No Rights?

Drunk girl: Is that a bathroom I see?
Conductor: It’s out of order.
Drunk girl: Ok, I’m going in there.
Conductor: It’s out of order!
Drunk girl’s friend: I don’t think we can use that one, let’s go find a place to squat.

–LIRR

Overheard by: hbs

It’s For Sale!

Conductor: Due to a problem at 14th St-Union Square, this train will be going express to Brooklyn Bridge. This train will not stop at any local stops. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. Switch to an uptown 6 train for all local stops. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. Brooklyn Bridge is next.
Man: What was the next stop?

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Petey Mills

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