Man #1: Hey, man, how’s your mom doing? I hear she’s kinda sick.
Man #2: Yeah, she’s not doing so well. She lost her second leg.
Man #1: What? She lost another one?
Man #2: Yeah, son. She called me the other day because she couldn’t find it. I went to her house and looked everywhere for it, but nothing, son… Nothing. It’s fucked up, you know what I’m saying?
Man #1: Yeah, son. That’s some fucked up shit. Damn, son.
–Atlantic & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: MS
Girl #1: I walked in on my boy masturbating while we where getting ready for sex.
Girl #2: Oh my god, I love masturbating before sex. It’s like a free orgasm.
Girl #1: Me, too. It’s, like, spiritual in my family.
–4th St & Park Ave
Chick #1: Before I forget, I need to ask you a question. If I had a penis and a vagina, would you still be my friend?
Chick #2: First of all, I would give you my Coach fanny pack so it would cover your ball sack, and then I probably wouldn’t ever talk to you again.
–31st & 7th
Overheard by: Amy Beckerman
Girl: I can’t believe you took me to Bryant Park to propose to me!
Boy: But I want to marry you!
Girl: And you got down on one knee and what did you expect me to say?
Boy: That you will marry me?
Girl: But I can’t marry you — you sleep with boys!
–B train, 42nd St
Guy #1: Have you done the naked yoga thing?
Guy #2: No, not yet.
Girl: I have to imagine that’s a little dangerous for a guy.
Guy #1: No, it’s okay. The cock pretty much knows where to go.
Girl: Not in my experience.
–19th & 3rd
Dude: Yeah, I put Tiger Balm on my testicles and it felt like a million breathing elves.
Chick: Oooh, minty! That must have been nice.
Dude: Oh, no — like fire-breathing elves.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Pengasaurus X
Balding Rangers fan #1: The only piece of furniture left in the house was a stuffed penguin.
Balding Rangers fan #2: A stuffed penguin is not a piece of furniture.
–Metro-North, New Haven Line
Overheard by: M Tod
Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
–114th & Amsterdam
Dude: Great! Now let’s go break your face!
Chick: Tom, I need a more positive kind of support right now…
–MacDougal & Washington Pl
Guy #1: So, I heard this blowjob technique that sounds pretty cool, but I don’t know how to tell my girlfriend without sounding pushy.
Guy #2: Well, maybe I could do it for you.
Guy #1: Dude… That’s gay.
Guy #2: No! I meant I could tell your girlfriend for you, not do it to you!
Guy #1: Oh… Well, that’s just awkward, then.
–A train
