Kids

Everyone Can See and Hear Tila Tequila

Large drunk tattooed man: So wha’s your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes …
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I’m schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I’m schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you’re manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I’m schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don’t take ’em, but I get ’em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument …

–G Train

Overheard by: I really WOULDN’T argue such a point

They Pull You in With Candy –Then, Bam, You’re a Sinner!

Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don’t celebrate Easter–we’re Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It’s not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.

–Times Square

If Children Never Grew Up, Police Interrogations Would Be a Lot Easier.

Mom to little daughter: You don't need to say that part. Just say “excuse me.”
Little daughter: Excuse me… I farted!

–67th St & Columbus Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Are Brimming with Consumer Confidence

Asian student on cell: Yeah, I haven’t had time to go shopping. I’ve had all this school work to do… Yeah, me either — I haven’t been since, like, Saturday… I miss shopping, too.

–NYU computer lab

Overheard by: Cpt. Kate

Bimbette: We should go to Boston to go to the big Victoria’s Secret. It would be, like, the most rational thing we’ve ever done.

–Fordham University RamVan

Overheard by: wishmewell

Three-year-old Barenaked Ladies fan: Mommy, if I had a lot of money, I’d buy you a green dress.

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: But not a real green dress, that’s cruel

Texan: Don’t you have malls here? Well, I guess New York is like one big strip mall.

–23rd St & Lex

Overheard by: Not a Texan

Tourist bimbo: What mall is this?

–Outside Bloomberg office tower, 59th & Lex

Overheard by: Russ Wall

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

Unless You’re Getting Out of a Limo

Little kid: You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
Mom: No, honey, that’s not how it works.
Little kid: But I’ll show you mine…
Mom: They’re called privates for a reason — you’re not supposed to show people.

–Restroom, Central Park

Overheard by: LSB

Except It's a Sidewalk and Not Our Microwave

Little girl: Mommy, mommy, look, that doggie is pee-peeing on the sidewalk!
Mom: Yeah, just like daddy last night.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: suzz

Wednesday One-Liners Actually Liked Police Academy IV

Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I’m gonna run my ass off.

–Flushing Meadows Corona Park

Overheard by: rob

Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get ’em before the cops do!

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: rah

Girl on cell: …and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah.

–61st & Columbus

Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?…Let me know when the police get there.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Diane

Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell?

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God.

–Leonard & Jackson, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chitin

Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you!

–110th & Amsterdam

The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners

Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!

–Astor Place

Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!

–Times Square

Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..

30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brainy

Here's the Real Truth, Cassie: We Wanted a Boy

Irate little girl (pointing at Nathan's): Daddy, you lied to me! That's not a hot dog stand, that's a hot dog building!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Lauren

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