Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Are at the Wrong Tail of the Bell Curve

Dude on cell: I said I was born at night. I didn’t say I was born last night. I’m not stupid.

–Manhattan Mall

Bushwick native: We’ve got idiots wrapped in morons all over the place around here!

–L train shuttle stop, Morgan Ave

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Woman to little girl: To be perfectly honest it just makes you look dumb, because you can only spell backwards.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mark

Mother to young son: When you grow up please don’t be like stupid people.

–A/C/E platform, 14th St station

Overheard by: Josh Barro

Chatty woman: I can’t ask my sister anything. She is such an idiot. She had a baby and it made her stupid.

–LIRR

Overheard by: pretending to be sleeping

What They Did Was More Like Lovemaking

College chick #1: … And then three guys almost raped her.
College chick #2: Three?! Did they take turns?
College chick #1: Oh, they took turns.
College chick #2: Taking turns is for lame rapists.

–120th & Claremont

Overheard by: invisiblemooses

Even If She Lives

20-something girl: You know, it’s just not in Donna… It’s just not in her hema-… hema-… What’s it called? It’s just not in her hematoma to be cool.
Friend: Totally! I know! No matter how she cuts her hair at any age she’ll just never look good.

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Abby

In His Magnum Opus, The Great Gatsby

Suit: I was up in Toronto last week. It was nice, but it was really cold.
Guy: Yeah, it’s beautiful up there, but they get winter really early. It’s like that Shakespeare line, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’
Suit: [Befuddled silence.]

–LIRR into Penn Station

Overheard by: It was Dickens, DickWad

Or Catholicracy, or Islaminite, or Christiansen. You’re an Atheion

Ignorant mom: Why do you have all that hair on your head? Are you a Jew?
Poor kid: Yes!
Ignorant mom: You’re not a Jew! You do not practice Jew-ism.

–A train

Overheard by: A Devout Jesus-ist

Mine’s in a Secret Abdominal Compartment

Asian princess: #1: You know what’s annoying?
Asian princess: #2: What?
Asian princess: #1: When, like, people carry, like, two bags.
Asian princess: #2: Oh my god, I know! Like, when they have their school bag and then their coach bag…
Asian princess: #1: Totally! It’s like, sooo annoying.
Asian princess: #2: Yeah! That’s why I put my bag in my school bag.

–Q11 bus

Outlaw Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to tourist taking picture: Yeah, bitch, I’m in your picture! I’m in your picture! Put it on MySpace, bitch!

–W 34th & 7th

Overheard by: nisey79

Thug to friend: Nigga, it’s hard to explain… It looked… like a decorated cosine curve!

–110th & Lenox

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Thugette to thug boyfriend: This ain’t Valentine’s Day. You slap me I’ll slap you back!

–Bronx-bound D train

Overheard by: Krissss

Thug to his baby, after carrying her stroller down the subway steps: Woo-hah, I got you all in check.

–6 train station, 59th St

Overheard by: Jackie

Thug: Shit. Jimmy Hoffa’s lucky he don’t gotta pay taxes.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: In debt on the F train

Thug: That thang was so big you could put a whole paragraph on it!

–6 train

Ironically, He Sold Them for the Coin

Chick: Does anyone have a coin?
Dude: Yeah, I do. It’s in my pants. Wait, where are my pants?!

–Chelsea

I Was Having a Near-Life Experience

Rich girl #1: Do you remember that time in Saratoga when I thought you were dead?
Rich girl #2: Yeah, but I wasn’t.

–Ladies’ room, Mall

Overheard by: Wishing She Had Been

But He Keeps Getting Stopped by Border Patrol

Trendy girl: Yeah, well, it’s cheaper to steal cars in the US than to import them.
Fellow employee: Yeah, so he steals these cars and takes them way the hell out to the middle of nowhere… Like, Brooklyn…

–Office elevator, Park Ave South

Overheard by: way too much time on my hands

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