Two-year-old boy into broken cell: Hello? Hello?
Mom: That’s right!
Two-year-old boy: Mommy? Mommy! Mommy!
Mom: Honey, no yelling!
Two-year-old boy, whispering: Mommy! Mommy! [Turns the cell around, using it as a gun.] Bam! Bam! Bam, bam, bam! [Starts ‘shooting’ passengers.] Bam! Bam! Bam!
Mom: Honey! No acts of violence!
–Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overheard by:
Girl on first date: Are you texting someone?
Guy on first date: No, I’m just playing Tetris.
Girl on first date: Okay… You know what? I gotta go, it’s getting late.
–Sushi bar
Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, ‘All you need is love,’ and Marvin Gaye said, ‘What’s goin’ on.’
Old lady: Now, that’s a nice thing to remember.
–7 train
Overheard by: Tom
NYU girl #1, during fire alarm: Whoa, look! There’s an elevator. Maybe it’s going to dump water on the building to put out the fire.
NYU girl #2: Wait… What?
NYU girl #1: Did I say elevator? I meant helicopter. Whatever.
–Washington Square Park
Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]Kid’s mom, embarrassed: He means ‘retired.’
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]
–Washington & Water St
Tourist kid looking at digital camera, whining: She took a picture of me sleeping!
Tourist mom: You erase it and you die!
–6 train
Male student: Hey, do you want to watch Harold and Maude later?
Female student #1: Is that the one–? Never mind.
Male student: Wait, what were you going to say?
Female student #1: Is that the one with the hippos?
Male student: What are you talking about?
Female student #1: One wore a suit jacket, and the other wore a little dress…
Male student, later: Wanna see Harold and Maude later?
Female student #2: Is that the one with the hippos? Did one of them have a hat?
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Olivia
Chick #1: You’re not trying.
Chick #2: Yes, I am.
Drunk guy: What’s your name, beautiful?
Chick #2: I don’t have one.
–Off the Wagon bar, MacDougal
Overheard by: NYU Student
Girl: Didn’t your mother ever teach you if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say a fucking thing?
Guy: Um…
Girl: You’re such a dick! God, what a motherfucker.
–1 train
Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here — he doesn’t get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope — I won’t save you!
–LIRR
