Upper East Side

Scrooge McDuck’s Wednesday One-Liners

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge

…on a Castle Bounce

Excited girl: Oh, look! A block party!
Other girl: Nope. That's a group of homeless people.

–92nd & 2nd

The Day That Would Change Groucho Marx's Life Forever

High school boy #1: Man, you should just do what your body's telling you to.
High school boy #2: You mean to grow a mustache?

–Hunter College High School

God’s a Little Harder to See, but I’d Try

UES mom #1: We’re going to Italy in August. You’ve taken your kids there, haven’t you? What are some things the kids would like?
UES mom #2: Well, there’s a lot to do in Rome, but one thing — it’s expensive, but worth it — you should go meet the pope.

–92nd & Madison

“It’s a date!”

Chick: You have no idea how much less anxiety I have now that I know I don’t have to worry about leaving the country…not that they are kicking me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it’s not an issue…This just makes me so excited! When I get excited I start to twitch, I apologize, but it’s a good thing! You get me excited! Not in that way, I mean, you’re my professor, and female, but not to say you aren’t good looking…
Professor: Um, okay, so let’s pretend I was deaf for that last 30 seconds and I’ll see you on Friday.

–Hunter North Building, East 69th Street

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Girl: I guess I’ll be taking my vibrator out for Valentine’s.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Toby Boudreaux

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Woman #1: Whose urine is this in the kitchen?
Woman #2: What urine?
Woman #1: The urine in front of the microwave.
Woman #2: That’s not where the urine goes.

–Office, UES

Pure Goyish Goodness

Father: You dip it in pork?
Son: I dip it in pork.

–87th & 1st

Overheard by: Beeeej

Thanks to this Site, Now You’ve Told All Women

Guy #1: I’m a good guy, I swear.
Guy #2: He really is. Only draw lines on weekends.

The girl leaves.

Guy #1: Dude, why did you have to say that? Sure, everyone does it, but it’s secret guy code: never tell a woman!

–76th & 2nd

Mark Felt Hands Over His Title

Teen girl #1: So I was like, “Ew dude, stop, you’re too small. I don’t even feel nuttin’!”
Teen girl #2: Yo, he gotta be at least 10 inches for me to even consider it.

–68th & 2nd

Overheard by: Monique

For Compliments, Like Most Guys?

Guy in business casual: Deer, zombies, Nazis… They're all fair game in my book.
Friend: I've never been hunting before, but I do like fishing.

–73rd St

Overheard by: Irish Dave

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