Upper East Side

Michelangelo Always Was Too Sensitive About David.

Guy #1: Oh yeah, let’s all take a picture of the big fucking stone thing because it’s really old!
Arsty guy: Shut up, asshole.

–the met

Headline by: Eddie

Runners-Up:
· “Geologically Speaking, It’s a Young Fucking Stone Thing.” – Peter Manther
· “Hmmm, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Stabbed My Etiquette Coach” – Jimmy
· “Mick Visits the Met” – bb
· “No One Likes Sightseeing With Frank Gehry Anymore” – Jeff`
· “She Was Awesome in Basic Instinct” – Craig should be working
· “Why Flashes Are Not Allowed at Rolling Acres Assisted Living.” – Karl

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-liners Watch Their Weight

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she’s a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!…What size are you?

–Staten Island Ferry

New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Scrooge McDuck’s Wednesday One-Liners

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge

…on a Castle Bounce

Excited girl: Oh, look! A block party!
Other girl: Nope. That's a group of homeless people.

–92nd & 2nd

The Day That Would Change Groucho Marx's Life Forever

High school boy #1: Man, you should just do what your body's telling you to.
High school boy #2: You mean to grow a mustache?

–Hunter College High School

God’s a Little Harder to See, but I’d Try

UES mom #1: We’re going to Italy in August. You’ve taken your kids there, haven’t you? What are some things the kids would like?
UES mom #2: Well, there’s a lot to do in Rome, but one thing — it’s expensive, but worth it — you should go meet the pope.

–92nd & Madison

“It’s a date!”

Chick: You have no idea how much less anxiety I have now that I know I don’t have to worry about leaving the country…not that they are kicking me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it’s not an issue…This just makes me so excited! When I get excited I start to twitch, I apologize, but it’s a good thing! You get me excited! Not in that way, I mean, you’re my professor, and female, but not to say you aren’t good looking…
Professor: Um, okay, so let’s pretend I was deaf for that last 30 seconds and I’ll see you on Friday.

–Hunter North Building, East 69th Street

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Girl: I guess I’ll be taking my vibrator out for Valentine’s.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Toby Boudreaux

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Woman #1: Whose urine is this in the kitchen?
Woman #2: What urine?
Woman #1: The urine in front of the microwave.
Woman #2: That’s not where the urine goes.

–Office, UES

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