Upper East Side

A Wednesday for Breakfast, a One-Liner for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Dancer girl: I dunno, I mean, like, I wish they made a size like, triple zero, so I would have something to look forward to, y’know?

–Central Park

Man: Yeah, that’s how you gain weight: a backed-up colon. I cleaned mine out this weekend.

–B54 Bus

Overheard by: Alma Molato

Old woman, very loudly, in the middle of the movie: Boy, is she skinny!

–Movie theater, 86th Street b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: The New York Crank

Girl on cell: If bitch can’t afford to buy her own groceries, she can just get skinny!

–Green Village Used Clothing, Bushwick

Anorexic fashionista: Any self-respecting anorexic knows that!

–Lincoln Center, 62nd & 9th

Man on cell: You went to a party last night? Well, that means you have to do three hours tomorrow. And I want you to drink lots of water, but none of that crystal light crap. That is seven calories that you do not need.

–Blockbuster, Broadway

America’s Next Top Cripple

Man: Miss! You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your hair! Are you interested in modeling?
Chick: Uh–
Man: I love the way you walk. Imagine! Down a runway!
Chick: It’s because my heel is broken, you fuckhead.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: Passerby

Sample Sales Can Get Vicious

Gay guy #1: You're a single lady, though! It doesn't even matter!
Gay guy #2: Exactly. So I was all, “If you like it, then you should've just peed on it.”

–81st St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: a new beyonce fan

Hence the Metal Panties.

Drunk hipster girl: If I was to drop dead in the middle of that party, all those frat boys would fuck my corpse.
Friend: Word.

–78th & Madison

It’s Not You, It’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friends: They broke up… He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.

–Stone St.

Overheard by: Jen

Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?

–F Train

Overheard by: dianora

13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That’s so cruel! Um, can I date him?

–Thompson Street, The Village

Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!

–8th St Park

Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don’t like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it’s the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that’s great!

–Outside the Frick Museum

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don’t leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back… Please! (pause) Okay, but I’m keeping the deposit!

–E 4th Street

Overheard by: Nima Shirazi

Wednesday One-Liners Are Starting to Show

Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Seamus Diddy

Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.

–86th & 1st

Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!

–Forever 21, Union Square

Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] "Happy non mother’s day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."

–Toys R Us Times Square

Overheard by: Non Father

Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!

–Whole Foods, Bowery

Overheard by: office peon

Michelangelo Always Was Too Sensitive About David.

Guy #1: Oh yeah, let’s all take a picture of the big fucking stone thing because it’s really old!
Arsty guy: Shut up, asshole.

–the met

Headline by: Eddie

Runners-Up:
· “Geologically Speaking, It’s a Young Fucking Stone Thing.” – Peter Manther
· “Hmmm, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Stabbed My Etiquette Coach” – Jimmy
· “Mick Visits the Met” – bb
· “No One Likes Sightseeing With Frank Gehry Anymore” – Jeff`
· “She Was Awesome in Basic Instinct” – Craig should be working
· “Why Flashes Are Not Allowed at Rolling Acres Assisted Living.” – Karl

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-liners Watch Their Weight

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she’s a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!…What size are you?

–Staten Island Ferry

New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

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