U.S. Geography

These Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Run

35-ish lady to friend: I don’t even have anything in my mouth, and I still feel American.

–Smith & President

Ferry captain: Welcome to the United States. All crew members please report for docking…

–Manhattan-bound ferry

Overheard by: wondering where we were before…

Female writing professor: No, keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind. This is America, people — don’t be crazy.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Nina

Chick: Bleeding to death? Brain damage? I’m leaning towards gangrene. That’s just so all-American, Oregon Trail, you know? If he’s in this country, he’d better be ready to die like it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michelle

Professor: Brooklyn is not part of Long Island the same way New York is not part of America. We’re not in America right now.

–NYU

Overheard by: And Staten Island doesn’t exist.

Boricua thug: So I say, ‘Why you be poopin’ on the shirts of America?’

–5th Ave

Mom Has a Parallel Argument for Virginity

Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don’t stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.

–David Z, 5th Ave

Overheard by: nicole h.

We Need to Quit Playing Mile-High Strip Poker

Hoochie #1: … Because what could happen is you end up in Chicago and he ends up naked.
Hoochie #2: And that would be so weird.
Hoochie #1: Yeah, that would be so awkward.

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: …i’ll say it would be awkward!

Well, Which States Do You Know?

Blonde #1: Of course there are 50 states. Duh!
Blonde #2: Yeah… Wait, what state is Florida in?

–Penn Station

She’s Dating This Guy

Teen girl #1: Yeah, Florida is totally North of New York.
Teen girl #2: Are you kidding me? No, it’s not.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, it is! I mean, like, you drive North to the airport, right? And South of New York is just, like… water.
Teen girl #2, staring in disbelief: Wow.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Shocked

Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer

Drunk frat guy: I don’t know about you fellas, but I’m going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]

–NYU dorm

Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I’ll still be drunk in Michigan?

–JFK

Overheard by: JJ

Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?

–Outside Wogie’s, West Village

Overheard by: misspenny

Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could’ve thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.

–Columbia University

Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that’s pretty good.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: echo

Why They Don’t Run FEMA Anymore

Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like… What state is Louisiana in, again?
Bimbette #2: I don’t know. Like, Arkansas?

–56th & Madison

Overheard by: trooshieb

He Can Just Keep His Secaucus to Himself

Drunk babe #1: I am definitely not going to have sex with him. He fucks a bitch from New Jersey.
Drunk babe #2: Oh, well, then maybe you shouldn’t have sex with him.
Drunk babe #1: I know, right? They have their own, like, breeds of STDs out in fucking Jersey.

–Outside Soho Grand Hotel

Overheard by: Drunk Guy

The State of Wednesday One-Liners

Crackhead: What’s your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.

–95th & 2nd

Guy on cell: … Got fisted from another state.

–7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St

Tourist chick: I’m in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!

–1 train, Penn Station

Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I’m in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It’s beautiful! I know, it’s amazing — I’m getting service right on the lake.

–Burger King, Graham & Skillman

Port Authority officer: It’s not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.

–Exchange Place PATH station

Overheard by: Marisol

Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.

–27th & 10th

Debil!

Blonde: Gosh, these lines are, like, so long.
Brunette: Yep.
Blonde: I’m, like, not from here so, like, I’m not used to this.
Brunette: Uh-huh.
Blonde: I’m actually from, like, Ohio. Where are you from?
Brunette: Albany.
Blonde: Oh my gosh, really?! Say something in Albanian!
Employee passerby: Fucking tourists…

–Banana Republic Women, Soho

Overheard by: MistressSilver

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