Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Be Illin’

Bimbette: So, my doctor asked if I wanted the cervical cancer vaccine, and I was like, ‘Wouldn’t that imply you would give me cervical cancer first?’

–Outside the Silver Center, NYU campus

Biotech: He’s the type of person who would have epilepsy.

–John St

Overheard by: Jay

Girl on cell: You don’t understand how sick I am. I feel like my nose is on strike or something! What do you mean, ‘take Advil’? I don’t have back pain, fool, I’m dying!

–40th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Brandon

Guy running: Coming through! Bird flu! I got bird flu, coming through!

–Times Square

Thug on cell: Yeah, I’m still in the hospital. I be gettin’ all stabilized ‘n’ shit.

–Key Food, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Yeah! I’m totally in! I’ve been planning to do this for months now. What time is it that I gotta be there? Oh… Well… Yeah, I’m gonna still come… but wow. I know that breast cancer knows no time, but wow!

–Starbucks, 15th St & Union Square

Overheard by: Brandon

Mr. Discretion, in crowded elevator: So, how’s that rash?

–Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital

Wednesday-One-Liners Miss the Peep Shows

Man: When I look up at all these buildings and I think about the people who live in them, I only have one question: Where do they all barbeque?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Guy: James Blunt is my homie. He gets me laid, on occasion.

–Men’ s room, MTV Time Square office.

Overheard by: najork

Woman: Oooh, now we’re in the other Times Square — the one with all the lights and stuff.

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: notrob

Local: Now, the Manhattan Bridge is just a block or two that way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: A tourist that ISN’T stupid

Conductor: Because of construction, the N train will be running on the N line.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mars the Infomage

Woman: Coming here is like going to a dirt Disneyland.

–Time Square

European tourist: This Time Square… Does it… Does it… Exist?

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Wednesday-One-Liners Need Friends Their Own Age

20-year-old woman: Well, I never thought I’d be attracted to an 18-year-old, but here I am.

–Royal Indian Restaurant, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Judge

NYU girl: Yeah, nothing gets me off like a bunch of fat 11-year-olds.

–Hayden Hall

Southern preppy to hipster chick: Not everyone’s a sex offender!

–2nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: katie

Woman on cell: But right now a 16-year-old is going down on my boyfriend!

–MacDougal & 4th St

Guy, not distributing newspapers: Metro, the paper of the pedophiles. The pedophile’s paper. Take a Metro and think about the child you’re helping molest.

–L train, 6th Ave

Overheard by: MLK

Teen thug: Man, if I was 18, I would pound that!

–5th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope

Girl on cell: That’s not the worse part. He actually had the nerve to say that I give blowjobs like a fucking 12-year-old! Then I was all like hello, I’m 13!

–Central Park

Overheard by: poppin fresh

Wednesday One-Liners Dealt It

Guy: But I have to say that 93% of the time I smell good.

–West Building, Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Butch lesbian: Damn, now that’s the stank I’m talkin’ about. It smells like ass in here!

–Lexington/51St subway station

Girl on cell: Ok, I’ll meet you for coffee, but I need to stop and get some deodorant, because apparently, according to my entire Spanish class, I stink.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: keeping my distance

Ghetto girl: Tanise, what kind of funk are tryin’ to hide with that stink?

–42nd & 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Lauri

Ghetto Girl: If my pussy stank I’d kill myself. My pussy ain’t never stank.

–1 train

Overheard by: Josh H

Little boy: You smell like piss!

–Medieval Festival, Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Jenny

Yuppie woman: He’s 14! That’s old enough to recognize the smell of burning human flesh!

–Broadway, between 11th St & 12th St

Overheard by: Are We There Yet?

Technicolor Wednesday-One-Liners

Voice on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, someone has lost a pair of ladies’ red-rimmed eyeglasses. That’s a pair of women’s glasses with red frames, looking for you. Get it? Cause they’re glasses, looking for…Oh, nevermind.

–Queens County Farm Museum

Overheard by: amused visitor

Girl: I only like white wine in Paris

–Union Pool

Overheard by: Andrea

Hobo: I am a Vietnam veteran. I cannot work due to the effects of Agent Orange. Agent Orange was used in Vietnam to kill all the vegetarians.

–Uptown R train

Cop: So what does the red light mean, dat you gotta come to a complete stop?

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Goueznou

Student to tourists: No, no. The black-draped building is Silver. The white building is Brown. See?

–Broadway & Mercer

Overheard by: booksandlibretti

Coast guard officer: Oh darn, I should have worn my pink coast guard hat today.

–South Street Seaport, Avon Breast Cancer Walk

Where There’s Smoke There Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, I just caught Kev with a joint and I flipped out on him and took it to destroy it. Yeah, I was an idiot though. I tried to burn it.

–Bay Parkway & 86 St

Overheard by: Ben

Guy: He would be no good on a deserted island. I wouldn’t eat him. He would just be thrown in the fire.

–Union Square East

Guy: My sprinkler growing up was a fire hydrant.

–Tompkins Square

Overheard by: Lila J

Woman: Either there’s a building on fire or a whole lot of marijuana.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Little girl: Mommy, do even tiny peppers burn your asshole on the way out?

–Taco Bell, 6th Ave

Cop to sad-faced mime: You can do anything you want, you just can’t have anything on fire.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: futurebird

Ghetto girl, looking at burning car: That one angry bitch.

–103rd St & CPW

Overheard by: Little Match Girl

Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway

Please Clean up After Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Cokehead to small dog: You piss me off.

–St Marks Place

Overheard by: Murray

Woman to her dog: What the hell are you doing?

–Fairway Market, W 74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Megan Ingraham

Little boy to pigeon walking behind him: Stop it!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Will

Creepy old guy to dog: Yeah, yeah. Smell me. Smell me.

–Stairwell of apartment building, W 105th St

Overheard by: inge

Man to his dog butt-sniffing dog: Don’t do that! I told you not to do that! This is why you don’t have any friends!

–117th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: robin b

Woman to yapping pooch: Shakespeare, we’ve talked about this!

–72nd St & York

WASP to dog: You’re not going to get cheese on your fries if you don’t stop misbehaving right now!

–Shake Shack, 23rd St & Madison

Overheard by: Matt C

Wednesday-One-Liners Pledge Allegiance to the Vag

Hipster girl: I don’t want to do that to my vagina! I want my vagina to smell like va-gi-na! Who would do that to their vagina?

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Edward Dandelions

Crazy ranting dreddy guy: Respect the vagina!

–St. Marks & 2nd

Hipster Girl: After sex with him, I like, hydrogen peroxided my vagina.

–1st Ave & 9th St

Angry man on cell: No, we weren’t fighting last night, I ate your pussy!

–C Train

Overheard by: Ada

Girl: So he was like, ‘How was your vacation’ and I was like, ‘My vagina’s sore.’

–Coffee Shop, Union Square

Guy on cell: Put your head between your legs and suck your twat.

–19th St

Overheard by: Gross

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Wait, that’s the vajayjay?

–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport

This is Wednesday-One-Liners’ Stop

Man boarding bus to driver: You better not go flippin’ this bitch over!

–Fung Wah Bus, Chinatown

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Young mom: No! I will sit down! You’re a kid, you don’t even have to pay to ride the bus. I did, so I’m sitting! Move!

–M60 Bus

Bus driver: Everyone get on the bus, I got a schedule. For those of you sneaking on in the back, can you at least do it fast? I’ve got places to be.

–B45 Bus

Overheard by: Robin M.

Driver of a Chinatown bus : Does anyone know how to get out of the city?

–Broadway

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