Wednesday One-Liners Hear the Call of the Wild

Dude to tall girl: Hey, you! Girl, in a past life, you musta’ been a grasshopper.

–L train

Man: It’s like going to a bull fight and seeing the guy get gored. I mean, who doesn’t want to see the soprano fall off the stage?

–Fashion district

Fat woman: She’s a fucking buffalo… Her and her ugly-ass self!

–71st Ave & Continental Ave

Overheard by: amused by-stander.

Thug: The more you rush, the more you mess up. You heard the story of the turtle and the rabbit. The rabbit, he hurried and he fucked up. But the turtle, man, he played it slow.

–Union Square

Overheard by: MLK

Nature buff: I haven’t seen a moose since Yellowstone.

–Ogilvy, 49th St & 8th Ave

Mom: Aw, look at how he reacts to you! Maybe one day you can grow up to be an old cat lady!

–PetCo/KittyKind, Union Square West & 17th St

Ghetto chick on cell: Yo! Did you hear about the plane crashing into that East Side building? Yeah! How much do you want to bet that there were snakes on that plane?

–Barnes & Noble, Columbus ave & 67th St

Posted on November 15, 2006
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Wednesday One-Liners Need Food, Dude!

Hobo: Hello, sir, I am homeless… addicted to drugs… and HIV positive, and what I need in this world right now more than anything is a bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant sandwich.

–Dunkin Donuts

Farmer’s market guy: Cauliflower is a shy vegetable.

–Broadway & 115th St

Overheard by: Lalaith

Guy on cell: Who the fuck is ‘Hamburger Helper’?

–15th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Dave the Spazz

Dad: Let’s go to Muffin Land!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michelle

Guy: It’s like this show I did last week, where I took a human skull and I covered it in cheese products.

–The Bronx

Overheard by: Keith R.A. DeCandido

Girl, covering her ears: Don’t say ‘Cheez Wiz!’ Don’t say ‘Cheez Wiz!’

–Central Park

Overheard by: Amy

Posted on November 15, 2006
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Wednesday One-Liners Be Illin’

Bimbette: So, my doctor asked if I wanted the cervical cancer vaccine, and I was like, ‘Wouldn’t that imply you would give me cervical cancer first?’

–Outside the Silver Center, NYU campus

Biotech: He’s the type of person who would have epilepsy.

–John St

Overheard by: Jay

Girl on cell: You don’t understand how sick I am. I feel like my nose is on strike or something! What do you mean, ‘take Advil’? I don’t have back pain, fool, I’m dying!

–40th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Brandon

Guy running: Coming through! Bird flu! I got bird flu, coming through!

–Times Square

Thug on cell: Yeah, I’m still in the hospital. I be gettin’ all stabilized ‘n’ shit.

–Key Food, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Yeah! I’m totally in! I’ve been planning to do this for months now. What time is it that I gotta be there? Oh… Well… Yeah, I’m gonna still come… but wow. I know that breast cancer knows no time, but wow!

–Starbucks, 15th St & Union Square

Overheard by: Brandon

Mr. Discretion, in crowded elevator: So, how’s that rash?

–Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital

Posted on November 15, 2006
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Wednesday-One-Liners Miss the Peep Shows

Man: When I look up at all these buildings and I think about the people who live in them, I only have one question: Where do they all barbeque?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Guy: James Blunt is my homie. He gets me laid, on occasion.

–Men’ s room, MTV Time Square office.

Overheard by: najork

Woman: Oooh, now we’re in the other Times Square — the one with all the lights and stuff.

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: notrob

Local: Now, the Manhattan Bridge is just a block or two that way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: A tourist that ISN’T stupid

Conductor: Because of construction, the N train will be running on the N line.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mars the Infomage

Woman: Coming here is like going to a dirt Disneyland.

–Time Square

European tourist: This Time Square… Does it… Does it… Exist?

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Posted on November 1, 2006
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Wednesday-One-Liners Need Friends Their Own Age

20-year-old woman: Well, I never thought I’d be attracted to an 18-year-old, but here I am.

–Royal Indian Restaurant, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Judge

NYU girl: Yeah, nothing gets me off like a bunch of fat 11-year-olds.

–Hayden Hall

Southern preppy to hipster chick: Not everyone’s a sex offender!

–2nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: katie

Woman on cell: But right now a 16-year-old is going down on my boyfriend!

–MacDougal & 4th St

Guy, not distributing newspapers: Metro, the paper of the pedophiles. The pedophile’s paper. Take a Metro and think about the child you’re helping molest.

–L train, 6th Ave

Overheard by: MLK

Teen thug: Man, if I was 18, I would pound that!

–5th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope

Girl on cell: That’s not the worse part. He actually had the nerve to say that I give blowjobs like a fucking 12-year-old! Then I was all like hello, I’m 13!

–Central Park

Overheard by: poppin fresh

Posted on November 1, 2006
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Dealt It

Guy: But I have to say that 93% of the time I smell good.

–West Building, Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Butch lesbian: Damn, now that’s the stank I’m talkin’ about. It smells like ass in here!

–Lexington/51St subway station

Girl on cell: Ok, I’ll meet you for coffee, but I need to stop and get some deodorant, because apparently, according to my entire Spanish class, I stink.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: keeping my distance

Ghetto girl: Tanise, what kind of funk are tryin’ to hide with that stink?

–42nd & 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Lauri

Ghetto Girl: If my pussy stank I’d kill myself. My pussy ain’t never stank.

–1 train

Overheard by: Josh H

Little boy: You smell like piss!

–Medieval Festival, Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Jenny

Yuppie woman: He’s 14! That’s old enough to recognize the smell of burning human flesh!

–Broadway, between 11th St & 12th St

Overheard by: Are We There Yet?

Posted on November 1, 2006
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Technicolor Wednesday-One-Liners

Voice on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, someone has lost a pair of ladies’ red-rimmed eyeglasses. That’s a pair of women’s glasses with red frames, looking for you. Get it? Cause they’re glasses, looking for…Oh, nevermind.

–Queens County Farm Museum

Overheard by: amused visitor

Girl: I only like white wine in Paris

–Union Pool

Overheard by: Andrea

Hobo: I am a Vietnam veteran. I cannot work due to the effects of Agent Orange. Agent Orange was used in Vietnam to kill all the vegetarians.

–Uptown R train

Cop: So what does the red light mean, dat you gotta come to a complete stop?

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Goueznou

Student to tourists: No, no. The black-draped building is Silver. The white building is Brown. See?

–Broadway & Mercer

Overheard by: booksandlibretti

Coast guard officer: Oh darn, I should have worn my pink coast guard hat today.

–South Street Seaport, Avon Breast Cancer Walk

Posted on November 1, 2006
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Where There’s Smoke There Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, I just caught Kev with a joint and I flipped out on him and took it to destroy it. Yeah, I was an idiot though. I tried to burn it.

–Bay Parkway & 86 St

Overheard by: Ben

Guy: He would be no good on a deserted island. I wouldn’t eat him. He would just be thrown in the fire.

–Union Square East

Guy: My sprinkler growing up was a fire hydrant.

–Tompkins Square

Overheard by: Lila J

Woman: Either there’s a building on fire or a whole lot of marijuana.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Little girl: Mommy, do even tiny peppers burn your asshole on the way out?

–Taco Bell, 6th Ave

Cop to sad-faced mime: You can do anything you want, you just can’t have anything on fire.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: futurebird

Ghetto girl, looking at burning car: That one angry bitch.

–103rd St & CPW

Overheard by: Little Match Girl

Posted on November 1, 2006
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Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway