Old lady hoochie with buck teeth, on cell: I have no fucking idea what I did between August and yesterday…
–183rd & Ft. Washington Ave
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Old man: Sex has changed since I last had it.
–14th & 7th
Irritated old fart: If we end up on Eighth Avenue, it’ll be a tragedy!
–C train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Emily B.
Old man: What do they smoke up here?
–116th & Broadway
20-something chick: You know, Hillary, this is the time in your life when you can go to work hung over.
–Shiki, St. Mark’s & 1st
Overheard by: Alison R.
Subway musician: Hey, boys and girls, today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. Yeah, take your kid to work, leave them, and go to TGI-Friday’s! Read the contract, kids!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Scott
Black man on cell: What ’bout that shorty you work with? No, not the thick one… Yeah, the juicy one.
–Elevator, 605 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Sudden urge to eat steak
Tall man on cell: I wasn’t drinking on the job! I was drinking before the job even started!
–Liberty & Church
Overheard by: pollie
Girl to boyfriend: Can’t you be good at something besides getting fired?
–36th & Madison
Woman, about guy in giant pirate hat: Maybe he works in a seafood restaurant… It’s that or his mom didn’t love him enough.
–Ditmars stop, N train
Overheard by: fan of the hat
Woman to friend: I don’t deserve to have ACS called on me! I’m a good mom! Sort of.
–Astoria Park Track, Astoria
Overheard by: Bridgettttttt
Loud man on cell: Can you hear me? Your mother! Can you hear me now? No? Your mother!
–83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Loud and Clear
Large black lady running down crowded street: My mama didn’t raise me right!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: anna
Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: #2
Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.
–5th & Ave B
Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]
–Classroom, 106th & 1st
Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!
–JFK
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl on cell: I don’t like you, bye. No, I really don’t like you. You’re not my friend. Bye. No, I don’t like you!
–Manhattan-bound Q train
Overheard by: I love you too… now shut up!
Security guard on phone: I have a lot of friends… I have a lot of friends. I don’t need to live with my friends, under my house.
–Columbia University
Girl on cell: All I heard all night was, ‘Oh my god, that’s Rachel. I used to date her sister’s roommate!’ And, ‘Oh my god, that’s Evan. Her brother went to camp with my ex-girlfriend’s cousin!’ I’m either gonna have to learn how to fake-play Jewish geography, or find myself some non-Jewish friends… Yes, I realize neither of those is possible.
–33rd & 7th
Drunk lunatic screaming at another: Do you wanna die?! Or do you wanna be my friend?!
–31st & Broadway
Overheard by: please don’t make me choose!
Conductor: Excuse me! Excuse me! A little frottage amongst friends never hurt anyone!
–Crowded Metro-North, New Haven Line
Overheard by: vanessa
Chick to another: She’s a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don’t think she goes to her rabbi’s high, but…
–Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: cole
Professor: … So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.
–Media Productions class, City College
Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn’t even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!
–Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island
Overheard by: Alie
Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he’s cute… But, duh — he’s addicted to opiates!
–Houston & Laffayette
Overheard by: Jake
Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?
–56th & 5th
Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot… Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!
–Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: I’ll have what he’s having
Queer: There are a lot of young kids out there learning how to spell ‘glamorous,’ and that makes me real happy.
–Canal Jeans Co
Queer to tourist: You’re from Minnesota? My ex’s father was a senator from Minnesota. I went there once to meet him… I forget his name, but what we did was very taboo.
–Prince St
Queer to another: Don’t nudge me, you lesbian.
–Line for he Cyclone, Coney Island
Queer to boyfriend: You remind me of this autistic kid I worked with once.
–Park Ave
Overheard by: Katey
Queer on cell, perusing baked goods: I want a muffin. Do you want a muffin? This whole courtroom wants a muffin!
–Food Emporium
Overheard by: admittedly amused
Street vendor selling children’s bubble maker: Bubbles! Bubbles! Shit… Bubbles! Fuck!
–Midtown
Subway hawker with huge sign: Subway! Eat fresh! [Hot girl walks by] Hey, baby, you lookin’ good! Don’t you just walk away like that… You need to shave your legs, girl. Subway! Eat fresh!
–39th & 8th
Guy handing out free CDs: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? [Girl ignores him.] Whatever. You lookin’ like Launchpad.
–Outside Virgin Megastore
Vendor: Get your peanuts! Get the first bag for five dollars and the second for the same price!
–Yankee Stadium
Dude selling programs for Avenue Q: Buy a program! If you don’t, I’ll tell you how it went. I’ll ruin the whole thing. Buy a program and a CD! If he doesn’t buy it, he doesn’t really love you. This is your last chance… until later.
–Golden Theater
Overheard by: Gaby Young
Guy handing out Atkins snack bars: Get your free Atkins bar! The more you take, the sooner I go home.
–Outside NYSE
New school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It’s like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.
–19th & 8th
Dude on cell: … And then they beat me down, like little monkeys.
–E 7th & Ave H
Fat lady on escalator: He used to be a good-looking guy ’til he lost all his teeth. Now he’s like Skeletor with death-breath.
–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Actor: Thanks for letting me borrow your phone. Oh, let me wipe my sweat off of it. I sweat like a Southerner in a spelling bee.
–Loews
Overheard by: kristin
Party-goer: I saved my eye crud for years. You know, that stuff you get in your eyes every morning? And we made this guy eat it. With milk. It was like human Grape Nuts!
–S 5th St
Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I’m with a client right now so I really can’t talk, okay?
–50th & 6th
Overheard by: Carol
Teen on cell looking at dresses: I’m just walking out of a movie theater… A movie theater!
–Banana Republic, 5th Ave
Overheard by: not at the movies
Thug to pissed girl on cell: Yo, I’m, like, dumb far right now, baby. I’m in, like, Brooklyn [gets into pimped-out car with friends pouring Arbor Mist into McDonald’s cups and speeds off].
–106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wendy Darling
Asian teen on cell: Hey, Emma, I’m back in Chicago! Yeah, want to hang out tomorrow?
–Park Slope, Brooklyn
Thugette on cell: I ain’t tryin’ to hear that! You know how I know you lyin’? ‘Cause I just heard it say ‘Stand by while your call is connected.’ You know what that means? That means you in jail, nigga. Don’t give me no shit that you’re in Chicago for the week.
–39th & Lex
Overheard by: Adrian
