Guy #1: Dude, you won’t believe this — I walked by the printer at work today, and sitting there was a one-page list of every employee’s salary.
Guy #2: Really? Did you see how much Chuck makes?
Guy #1: No! I didn’t look — you can’t look! It’s like looking into the sun, or like looking at your mom naked: you want to do it, but you know it’s wrong.
Guy #2, disgusted: … You didn’t just say that, right?
–Union Square
Ice cream man: Yo, man, can I get a cigarette?
Male student: Uh, sure. They’re cloves — is that okay?
Ice cream man: Yeah, man. Just need some air in my lungs [lights up in the ice cream truck]. Yo, you must love going here. You must wake up in the morning and be like, ‘Mmm, smells like…’ Hahaha
–Outside F.I.T.
Overheard by: Monochrome
Mom: Where’s Billy?
Kid: He’s back there, asleep on the toilet paper. [Family looks back and sees Billy resting his head on stack of toilet paper rolls.] Come on, Billy. We’ve got toilet paper you can sleep on at home.
–Target
Overheard by: Scott
College guy #1: Remember that time in high school when we brought up all your dad’s old guns from the basement?
College guy #2: Yeah, man, that was so funny.
College guy #1: I know, we all thought that was hysterical. Except for Emily. She totally flipped out. I mean, it wasn’t like we had actually loaded the guns.
College guy #2: Yeah, but then again, she had been held up at gunpoint before, so I guess that’s why.
–115th & Broadway
Man: You keep two guns under your pillow?
Friend: One for the missus.
–St. Mark’s & 1st
Overheard by: Sofar
11-year-old boy smiling mischievously: Mom, I’ve been desiring a lot lately.
Frazzled UES mom: Would you please stop doing that?
–80th & York
Overheard by: Nicole
Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.
–810 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jatmos
Barista gesturing to fridge: Hey! Milk me!
–Coffee shop
Professor: It’s hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.
–NYU
Overheard by: woods comma elle
Teacher, on oral quizzes: … And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.
–The Dalton School
Overheard by: Marissa
Hardhat: Sir, what are you looking for?
Guy: There’s a store on this street that sells toupées for old ladies’ cunts.
–E 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cassie
Dude #1: Hey, how do you say ‘brains’ in German?
Dude #2: I don’t know. Why?
Dude #1: I need it for that movie I’m making — ‘Nazi Zombies.’
–Barnes & Noble, 8th & 6th
Suit, after cabbie honks: Beep. [Cabbie honks one more time.] Beep. [Cabbie honks twice.] Beep, beep.
–42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Maria
