BJs

Wednesday One-Liners Talk with Their Mouths Full

Angry lady to boyfriend: They don’t pay my fucking rent! They don’t eat my fucking pussy!

–E 9th & 5th

Man on cell: It comes down to about seven dollars a blowjob.

–59th & 5th

Wheelbo, politely: Excuse me, does the bus stop here? [Ignored, so addresses next passerby politely] Pardon me, ma’am? Are you looking for a dick to suck?

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: No, I am not.

SVA photography teacher: You’d have a better time giving head to King Kong than using this method.

–SVA, 21st & 3rd

Overheard by: student

Kid on cell: … So I said, ‘You can suck my dick for some of your spaghetti.’

–Outside hardware store, 102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Josh

Dude: If I could’ve gone down on a donkey I would have done it.

–W New York hotel, Union Square

17-year-old girl on cell: So, this girl was eating me out, right? [Pause] Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

We Should Talk. But Not Here

Man: Sooo, I had anal sex for the first time last night.
Woman: Did she swallow?

–McDonald’s

Overheard by: Jrmy

The Make-A-Wish Foundation Rejected Their Applications

Hot chick #1 during Tom Brady close-up: Ohhh, I just want to give him a hug!
Hot chick #2: I want to make out with him.
Hot chick #3: I want to put his penis in my mouth.

–Watching Patriots/Colts game, Sutton Pl, 53rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Lee

Don’t Stop, You’re Starting to Come Back to Me

Hoochie: I think that’s a D-list actor!
Queer: Really? What’s his name?
Hoochie: Ummm, I don’t know. Maybe he isn’t an actor. Do I know him?
Queer: How would you know him?
Hoochie, yelling to guy: Did I give you a blow job?!

—Marie Antoinette screening, Lincoln Square theatre

Overheard by: Madame T

Unless They Make Your Unit Head South

Boy: Do they really taste like mint?
Girl: I don’t know, I don’t give head.
Boy, holding box of warming sensation condoms: I bet these are mad-popular in the winter.

–Eckerd, Astoria

Overheard by: KC

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

She’s Given This More Thought Than I Am Really Comfortable With

Chick #1: So, who would you rather blow — your mom or your dad?
Chick #2: Well, my mom kinda looks like me, and I think that’s hot, when it’s two girls who kinda look like each other.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Also, You’re a Great Coke Connection

Queer waiter: Hey! I have a question for you! If Santa came to you on Christmas Eve and told you that you were on the naughty list, and the only way to get off the naughty list is to give him a blowjob, what would you do?
Ditzy waitress: Like, oh my god, I would so give Santa a blowjob.
Queer waiter: See, I love you! This is why we are friends.

–Olive Garden

I Respect Her Too Much to Lead Her On

Teen boy #1: You want her to suck your dick?
Teen boy #2: She did, but I don’t want to make out with her.

–4th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: jayloo

I Want to Believe That

Dude #1: Mike’s always talking about how he has no gag reflex.
Dude #2: Would you let him blow you?
Dude #1: Fuck no, I’m not gay!
Dude #2: Blow jobs don’t have a gender.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: chelsea

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