Waiter: Would you care for a glass of wine or a cocktail?
Old lady: No, thanks, we’re heavy drug users.
–Caffe Grazie, 84th & Madison
Overheard by: mom thought that was funny
Waiter: Would you care for a glass of wine or a cocktail?
Old lady: No, thanks, we’re heavy drug users.
–Caffe Grazie, 84th & Madison
Overheard by: mom thought that was funny
Lady to dude: The problem with being an idealist is that everyone else in the world is stupid.
–Housing Works bookstore
Loud broad on cell: You’re such an idiot! How could you be such an idiot?! That is idiotic… I can’t believe you are that much of an idiot… [Continues for minutes, then] Fine, Mom! I’ll speak to you soon.
–Train from Stamford
Father to small son: … And then for dessert we can have one of your stupid jokes.
–Lafayette & Bleecker
Overheard by: good luck in therapy, kid
Ghetto chick: I’m never having a baby. By the time I figured out I was pregnant I would have smoked so much weed that it would definitely be dumb.
–The Loews, Lincoln Square
Bimbette: I don’t think that crack is that addictive. It can’t be that addictive. I think people are just stupid.
–R train, 5th Ave
Man: Oh, he’s not Irish, he’s just stupid.
–8th Ave
Mother: You were a jerk for years.
Son: No, I was a cokehead. There’s a huge difference.
–F train
Overheard by: Shaun Laika
Ghetto mama #1: Yeah, I get him ready for bed, and then he starts cryin’ and shit.
Ghetto mama #2: Girl, you give that baby some NyQuil before you put him to bed and he will be good to go.
–Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Lady on cell: I’m not high maintenance — I just brush my teeth!
–F train
Overheard by: AmityAmity
Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He’s 21 now and I remind him of that every day… Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world’s glaucoma.
–JetBlue flight 11
Overheard by: Big Larry
Woman on cell: So, wait… The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?
–12th & 1st
Overheard by: Grace
Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?
–LIRR
Overheard by: Meg
Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.
–Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hmmm… do I still want those cupcakes?
Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin’ ’bout teeth or else you woulda ain’t had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo’ mouth, I woulda took out all yo’ teeth, and put a box in yo’ mouth.
–1 train
Overheard by: Lauren Marks
Lady suit #1: You still on drugs?
Lady suit #2: I’m trying…
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Shai Googly
Ghetto lady: I told that bitch that she know she used to fight over the stuff and get drunk back in the ‘Sty, and she acts like she all better now she got a job than when she was smokin’ crack.
Ghetto queer: You told her — I know, I know.
Ghetto lady: Ain’t no difference. She ain’t better ’cause she got a job than when we was smoking crack. She just doin’ it different. I told her, and she didn’t like it.
Ghetto queer: She gettin’ it all twisted and shit. She ain’t doin’ it better if she has a job, just different.
–M60 bus, 125th & Lenox
Mother: Honey, what is wrong with your eyes?
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: You look like you have allergies.
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: Maybe it’s pink eye.
–Central Park
Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.
–Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Harried Visitor
Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!
–14th & Broadway
Overheard by: rita
Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Renea
SUNY purchase student #1: My fucking head hurts.
SUNY purchase student #2 pulling out bag of white pills: Dude, take these pills. You’ll feel better.
SUNY purchase student #1: Uh… What are they?
SUNY purchase student #2: Uh, codeine I think? I don’t know. Yeah, I stole them from a kid at the party last night. He said he found them in a garbage can.
SUNY purchase student #1: Jesus, dude, no.
–Grand Central
