Well‐dressed 20‐something woman: So yeah, I keep having sex with all these beautiful women, and then I have no memory of it whatsoever…
Well‐dressed 20‐something man: You’re so lucky. I was roofied once, but my friends were with me the whole time. When I went to the doctor and got blood tests and they found Rohypnol in my system, I was like “and I didn’t even fucking get laid?” (pause) That was literally my first reaction.
–Bowery & Prince
Overheard by: Sealed Beverage Drinker
Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.
–11th & 2nd
Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.
–Post office, Park Slope
Chick on cell: …so not only am I self‐medicating through random sexual encounters…
–In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square
Overheard by: Carol
Chick to friends: He was like, “Say you love me. Say my name. Say, ‘I love you John*!’ And I was like, “Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?”
–Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
Guy #1: I don’t remember how to sleep anymore, and I don’t even do drugs. No cocaine, nothing.
Guy #2: (blank stare)
Guy #1: Well enough about me, how do you like my shoes?
–7th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Peter
40‐something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Hey! How’s it going?! Where are you from?
40‐something regular guy: Seattle. You?
40‐something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Newport Beach, California! What are you off to do?
40‐something regular guy: Dinner and some drinks with friends. You?
40‐something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Me and a buddy are going to take mushrooms and go see Young Frankenstein for the third time! It’s hilarious when you’re high!
–Elevator, Sheraton Hotel
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
–Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
–74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!
–Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick‐up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick‐up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… “Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent.”
–St. John’s University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: “I programmed my car to sound just like you!”
–89th St & 5th Ave
Manager: How did you make those sandwiches so fast?
Sandwich guy: Performance‐enhancing drugs.
–Subway, 23rd & Madison
Overheard by: Jonathan
30-something #1: What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
30-something #2: Getting high and masturbating.
30-something #1: Man, married life is great.
--Palladium Gym, NYU
Headline by: Pseudonym
Runners-Up:
· "Because she's out shopping for a vibrator" - trish
· "He celebrates Palm Sunday the same way" - Kate
· "He's An Up & Comer" - Rod W
· "Little Johnny took the comeback "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?" a little too seriously." - Cloud
· "When Harry Met Righty" - Vasyl
Girl #1: Oh my gosh! I haven’t seen you in so long! You didn’t come to my party!
Girl #2: I know! I was high!
–St. Mark’s
Overheard by: Aearrin
Former Broadway ingenue: He injects silicone into his penis and testicles. He has for years.
–A‑list Broadway party
Overheard by: kgrahams
Wannabe policy maker: They should have umbrella exchange centers. You know, like needle exchanges.
–Washington Square South
Overheard by: Lacey
Dad: You want to get arrested? Brian, put those syringes down. If you want to get high, go outside and find some mothafucka on the street.
–Emergency room, Beth Israel
Overheard by: Coughing in the Ghetto Israel
Ditz: I love hepatitis shots!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Salmon Slap
Hipster chick on cell: Yeah, you should probably get a rabies shot for that… And a pap smear.
–Washington Square Park
Rich girl #1: I feel like I haven’t done anything today. I just woke up and got high.
Rich girl #2: No, you donated a tampon. That’s like, totally a tax write‐off!
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Dianne
