Thin woman: I’m on a hundred and eighty milligrams of meth right now!
Portly man: Oh, man, if only I knew what I was on.
–E 11th St
Thin woman: I’m on a hundred and eighty milligrams of meth right now!
Portly man: Oh, man, if only I knew what I was on.
–E 11th St
Guy on cell: Just take some Vicodin and smoke some pot, and you’ll be fine.
–Pratt Institute
Hipster: The last time we were shrooming, I Febreezed the shit out of you.
–5th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tim Houghton
Chick on cell: I don’t know what you’re saying, but I have a ton of weed, so it doesn’t matter.
–9th & 5th
Overheard by: traPt
Old, crunchy hipster: I’m all set — I’ve got my weed in this pocket, and my granola bar in this one!
–Zappa Plays Zappa, Beacon Theater
Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I’m allergic to heroin.
–Duane Reade, 145th St
Overheard by: I hope benadryl doesn’t cure that allergy
Black guy: Let’s go to the meat market and get some crystal meth.
Buddy: Aight.
–27th & 8th
Overheard by: Shmatty and Shammy
Guy on cell: So, the ecstasy turned out to be Excedrin.
–Financial District
Stooped street character: Free drugs for teenagers! Free drugs for teenagers!
–Spring St, between Thompson & Sullivan
Overheard by: Monica P.
Boy to girl: Giving up marijuana is like giving up sandwiches — it just doesn’t make sense.
–Washington Square Park
Southern tourist to dreadlocked conductor: Does the ticket come with marijuana, or is that extra?
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
Cop: The park is closed! Please take your cocaine, your heroin, and your mari-ji-juana elsewhere!
–Washington Square
Girl: Do you wanna do ‘shrooms with me?
Guy: No way, man. I don’t do drugs.
Girl: But drugs are awesome!
Guy: How about this — since there’s nothing more awesome than you, you can be my drug.
Girl: And then you can do me!
Guy: Okay… Well, that’s not really where I was going with that, but alright.
Girl: Wow, shows you where my head is at.
–86th & Broadway
Chick: I hooked up with everyone. I even hooked up with my dealer.
Dude: Yeah, you did.
Chick: But I had to break up — he was too thuggish.
–1 train
Professor: If you are selected, meet me and talk to me about the presentation on Thursday, and you can take advantage of me. [Awkward pause, then] If you want to rape me, you are welcome to try, but I don’t think so because I am pretty strong.
–NYU
Overheard by: Ting
Political philosophy professor after oral surgery: I had a choice to make: I could have stayed home like a happy clam on Percocet, or I could teach class… I miss the Percocet.
–Hunter College
Overheard by: tanechka
Computer science professor: They [people who figured out which mushrooms were poisonous] were the true pioneers. Screw Edison!
–NYU
Professor: Don’t get too excited — I’m not putting you into groups. Yeah, I saw you all sitting there, looking around, thinking ‘Which of these fuckers is going to do all of the work?’
–Fordham University
Professor: Okay, you guys fill out these course evaluations, and I’ll go amuse myself for 15 minutes by… doing drugs or something [leaves room].
–Waverly Building, NYU
Overheard by: evanescent
English professor: I can never find enough excuses to use the word ‘pus.’
–Hunter College
Overheard by: upperwestsider
Freshman #1: Oh, look, there’s Joe*. Does he still do cocaine?
Freshman #2, whispering: Well, no. But now he lives on caffeine pills… [Then, more dramatically] And Mountain Dew.
Freshman #1, gasping: Oh my god!
–Columbia dorm
D.A.R.E. volunteer: Sir, before you leave, would you please–
Rushing guy, interrupting: –Do I look like I just say no to drugs?
D.A.R.E. volunteer: We don’t pre-judge people.
–Outside Marshalls, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Overheard by: DARE to say yes
Junkie girl: Hey… Can you watch my stuff? My friend is overdosing.
Drunk guy: Ummm, I guess…
Junkie girl: There’s a can of beans in it for you.
Drunk guy: Do you have a can opener?
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: C
