Hobo: …and the cookies from the sky, you know, man? All them cookies from the sky, like fuckin’ meteors!
Tourist girl: Look, Mom, it’s a Beat poet!
–Times Square
Hobo: …and the cookies from the sky, you know, man? All them cookies from the sky, like fuckin’ meteors!
Tourist girl: Look, Mom, it’s a Beat poet!
–Times Square
Workout chick: Don’t worry, your standards are just off because you dated a fetus. Want some ice cream?
–Columbia University
Guy #1: I stayed the night at her place and woke early. She was still asleep.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I got up and was going to make myself breakfast. But when I cracked the egg open it got away from me.
Guy #2: Where did it go?
Guy #1: It slid down a crack between the counter and the stove.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I put everything away and climbed back into bed.
Guy #2: You know that shit is going to stink!
Guy #1: Yeah, I’m sure it will.
–97th & Broadway
Teen girl #1: Do you ever have to fart really badly in class?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, like today. I ate a PowerBar and I’ve had to shit like crazy so I keep farting.
Teen girl #1: But you can’t do it in class ’cause then it smells and people know it’s you.
Teen girl #2: You can stick dryer sheets in your pants and then it doesn’t smell as much.
Teen girl #3: But how do you keep them in there?
Teen girl #2: Well, if your pants are tight enough, where they gonna go?
Teen girl #1: Or sometimes you can ask to go to the bathroom and when you stand up your ass cheeks squeeze together and you can’t fart.
Teen girl #2: But in the two seconds before you’re standing you can’t control it, then you fart.
Teen girl #1: Damn it, I have to take a shit.
–Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Crazy woman: What? Yes, send me the numbers, I’ll help you with the numbers.
Med chick: Oh, excuse me. I’m sorry.
Crazy woman: You dont have to be sorry, but if you want to make it up to me, make me some General Tso chicken and a pu pu platter…Why didn’t you call me? By the way, who the fuck is Milstein?
–Milstein Hospital, Fort Washington Avenue
Old woman: No! No! You need to cut from that side of the meat. Last week you gave me a cut from the right side. I want a cut from the left side! Don’t you know that I want a fresh cut of meat?
Deli guy: Only way you gonna get a fresher cut of meat is if I take it from your wrinkly white ass.
–Fairway Market, 74th & Broadway
Mom: Nigga, chill! Grandma’s going to make you some Spanish baked ziti. And I got me some tequila, some margarita mix, and a big ass bottle of tequila, and dat shit’s about to get twisted!
A train rushes by on other track.
Mom: Damn! That shit just gave me an orgasm!
–Metro-North train
Overheard by: Emily Aldridge
Girl: Hey, you know I heard this guy did drugs one time, and he had some kind of permanent reaction, and now he thinks he’s a glass of orange juice!
Guy: Oh yeah, I heard about that. He goes around telling people not to tip him!
Girl: Yeah, yeah. Hey, imagine if he saw someone drinking orange juice.
Guy: Now that would be funny.
–Fontana Sushi, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Fiona F.
Teen girl #1: So I gave her her piece.
Teen girl #2: You gave her herpes?
Teen boy #1: No, she gave her her piece.
Teen girl #1: Of chocolate.
Teen girl #2: Ha, ha, ha! “Gave her herpes.” Her piece.
Teen boy #1: Herpes chocolate!
Teen girl #2: Knock, knock.
Teen boy #1: Who’s there?
Teen girl #2: Herpes.
Teen boy #1: Herpes who?
Teen girl #2: Her piece of chocolate!…Hey, Milton! Knock, knock!
Teen boy #2: Who’s there?
Teen girl #2: Herpes!…Milton, you have to say, “herpes who?”!
Teen boy #2: No.
Teen girl #2: You suck, Milton!
Teen girl #1: No, you suck.
Old woman: That’s true.
–1 train
Guy: You want to have lunch with me next week?
Girl: Sure, but not on Monday. I’m getting married.
Guy: You are? Really?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: To who? Is it Norman?
Girl: No, it’s whoever my dad chose.
–68th Street station
Overheard by: Babs Monroe
