Hobo: Fucking shit, asshole!
Lady passerby: Watch your mouth! I know you don’t talk to your mama like that!
Entire crowded platform: Oooh!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Charlie
Hobo: Fucking shit, asshole!
Lady passerby: Watch your mouth! I know you don’t talk to your mama like that!
Entire crowded platform: Oooh!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Charlie
Professor hobo: Now listen, folks. You got them crazies preachin’ the end of the world. They’s saying God’s gonna come and un-begat us all the way to Adam. I’m not like that. I’m not. Listen — I’m not — so listen, okay? Listen. See, I’m a man of science. No heavenly undoing here. There’s a black hole comin’ this way. Those niggas comin’ at like a thousand light miles an hour. I don’t need no wheelchair super-talk from my computer to know that. It’ll come and it’ll steal your children. Pull ’em from bed and rape ’em and eat ’em. That’s what them black holes do. Eat you. You and your children. Science!
–7 train
Guy to buddy: It’s just like New York, except it’s clean and quiet… and people are nice.
–51st & Broadway
Tourist girl: You guys, we’re finally here! New York! Sleepless in… Oh my god, I’m such a moron!
–Incoming Air Canada flight, JFK airport
Overheard by: la petite touriste
Hobo to passerby wearing ‘I love NY’ shirt: Try living here for a few months, see how much you fucking love it.
–Chinatown
Pedicab driver to intrigued tourists: It is the most exciting thing you will do in New York City.
–58th & 5th
Overheard by: Stevo
Woman: Sure, in New York something gets blown up every now and then. But at least we don’t have to worry about falling off into the ocean.
–Filene’s Basement
Overheard by: amused tourist
High-strung mom to nanny: Just leave him here and go check. He’s not going to get kidnapped. No one in New York wants kids, anyway.
–C train
Subway preacher: All of you are going to hell because of New York!
–Grand Central
Guy: The nun at work keeps hitting on me!
–Havana Central, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Arogpelter
Panhandler: Donations? Give to the church of malt liquor!
–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd St
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Student running through hall: I need my Bible!
–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: lol
Woman on cell: Hi, sweetie. I just wanted to call you back, real quick ’cause I’m on my cell, and tell you something else God wanted me to tell you.
–GWB Port Authority
30-ish guido seeing girl with ashes on foreheard: You know, I’ve noticed that the church is making better ashes.
–102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: what does that even mean?!
Manager: Ben! Quit it with the stigmata! We’ve talked about this!
–Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Teen boy: We should pray to Josh’s parents so they give us a plasma screen TV.
–A train
Overheard by: Paula
Performing hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, while I do tell jokes, I just want to say that I keep it clean for the family. I don’t like to curse or use foul language at any time. So to those that give money, I thank you, and to those that don’t, go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta my house!
–3 train
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Hobo, just after nine a.m. on a weekday: You’re late! All of you are late to work! All of you… Late, late, late!
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: jairoski
Hobo shaking cup of coins: Hi, I’m starting a presidential campaign and any contribution would help!
–E Houston, near Mott St
Overheard by: Sannie
Hobo: Good afternoon. Can anyone help me out by sparing some change? [To processed and painted old lady passerby] Girl, you look just like Alexis from Dynasty!
–Spring & Mott
Overheard by: liza
Hobo: I’ll be offended if you call me a crackhead. I’m not a crackead, I’m a rock star. Now, does anyone have 20 dollars for me so I can buy some crack?
–2 train, Bronx
Hyperactive kid is jumping around on benches and talking non-stop.
Hobo to babysitter: Too many pills. That girl is on too many pills!
–81st & 5th
Overheard by: i agree
Hobo holding banana like a gun: Gimme all yo’ money, I’m the banana bandit! [People shuffle by, averting eyes, and hobo gets sad] Nobody listens to the banana bandit…
–Fulton St & Grand Ave
Brunette: Tyra Banks isn’t fat, she just isn’t anorexic like other supermodels.
Blonde: If you’re not anorexic, you’re fat.
Hobo: Amen to that, sister!
–86th & Lex
Overheard by: Charlie
Hobo: Excuse me, can you spare me some change?
Woman, pretending in bad Spanish: No hable engles.
Hobo: Shit! I gotta be bilingual to beg?!
–4th St subway station
Overheard by: Jessie
Hobo: Caw! Caw! Tweet! Gobble! Gobble!
Black cop to another: See, man, that’s what’s happening to our people.
–8th Ave, between 35th & 36th
Overheard by: NRG
Screaming hobo: … But you know she was artificially inseminated by aliens!
Suit: Wait… Who?
–NYU
Hobo: Go shorty, it’s your birthday…
Drunk black woman, joining in: Yeah! Go, go!
Hobo: Shorty, it’s your shorty…
Drunk black woman: You singing it wrong. It’s, ‘We gonna party like it’s your birthday.’
Passerby gives hobo two dollars.
Drunk black woman: You need to give me half of that, I helped you out with the words.
–E train
Overheard by: Ruth
