Idiots

You’ll Be Sorry — This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!

Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You’re selling a triberry muffin. Well, what’s a triberry? I’ve never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren’t any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That’s false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it’s called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don’t understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don’t think so. I don’t want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]Barista: Dumbass.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Waplow

Ow — Jesus! I Point with That Finger

Lady: It’s freezing out. Is the weather cold like this in Korea? [Manicurist is silent.] Hello? Is it this cold in Korea? … Does she speak English?
Manicurist: I’m Chinese.
Lady: Oh, well, I eat a lot of Chinese vegetables.

–Nail salon, Queens

Overheard by: Risa

I Think “Hemingway Stole All His Ideas From Me” Is Explanation Enough

Professor: Care to elaborate on that?
Student who answered question: I’d rather not.

–NYU Law School

Overheard by: Vitto

Headline by: Alli

Runners-Up:

· “But I would like to know the specifics of why you think I should go fuck myself.” – Bassmanbish

· “I Don’t Think I Could. I Elaborated In The Shower This Morning.” – Redneck Jedi

· “Let me rephrase, what the fuck do you mean?” – chris sowell

· “Objection! Asked and answered.” – Law School Dropout

· “See ‘Billing By the Hour’ to Learn Why That’s the Wrong Answer” – PhoenixRising

· “The first rule of law school is: We do not talk about law school.” – Steve-o


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Mom Has a Parallel Argument for Virginity

Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don’t stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.

–David Z, 5th Ave

Overheard by: nicole h.

No Worries — Granny’s a Professional

Girl #1: My grandma is coming into the city Saturday to bleach my cat.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Yeah, he got into the flowers and the pollen turned him canary yellow.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Well, it didn’t come off in the bath…

–82nd & Madison

If That Doesn’t Work, There’s Always Rum

Ghetto mama #1: Yeah, I get him ready for bed, and then he starts cryin’ and shit.
Ghetto mama #2: Girl, you give that baby some NyQuil before you put him to bed and he will be good to go.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

And Not a Very Good Bus Stop, at That

Dude #1: That restaurant across the street must be amazing. There’s always a crowd outside. Is it really that good?
Dude #2: No. It’s a bus stop.

–65th & Central Park West

I Rest My Case

Tourist man: Hey, look at this! They’re selling this stuff out on the street!
Tourist lady with thick accent: They have no doors! The rodents will steal all their bread!
Store owner: This is not a bread store, ma’am!
Tourist lady: They will steal your bread! The rodents will steal your bread!
Store owner: We have no bread here!

–Canal St

Just Not in Any Recent Incarnation

Clerk: What’s that symbol on your shirt?
Chick: It says ‘Nepal.’
Clerk: What’s Nepal?
Chick: It’s where the Dalai Lama lives.
Clerk: What’s the Dalai Lama? Is that an animal?
Chick: Yeah, it’s like a Yeti.
Clerk: Oh.

–Pelham Pkwy

Overheard by: raginggoatboy

If in Fact She Had One

Dude: So, I saw this girl yesterday who had the most beautiful nose…
Chick: Really?
Dude: Yeah, I’ve had dreams about this same nose since 1986. I never thought it would happen, but I’m so glad it did.
Chick: Wow. What did she look like?
Dude: I don’t know. I didn’t get a good look at her face.

–G train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Via

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