NYC Geography

The First Arm’s Easy, the Second One’s a Real Problem

Long Island JAP #1: Are all New York City girls drug-addict whores?
Long Island JAP #2: Yeah, but so are girls from Long Island. There’s really no difference.
Random Upper East Side JAP: Oh my god, can I just interject for a second here? Long Island girls and New York City girls are not the same thing. It is not okay to wear Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts, and we’re all addicted to drugs because we don’t have gross Long Island weed and coke that is ninety-nine percent baking soda. And we’re whores because we’re like a thousand times hotter than you’ll ever be, even when we’re not wearing makeup. Plus, I don’t tawk like this.
Long Island JAP #1: Wow, that was, like, seriously uncalled for.
Upper East Side JAP: Yeah well, I’d rather cut off my own arms than live in Long Island. Also, I’m just high, so don’t really pay attention to me.

–Serafina, Upper East Side

If That Happens, It Probably Will Not Be in the Plaza

Boy #1: Oh shit, that’s where they filmed Home Alone 2 look!
Boy #2: What the fuck? what you talking about?
Boy #1: The hotel. The little white kid stayed at this hotel and shit.
Boy #2: What a fag.
Boy #1: Fuck you.

–Central Park, in front of Plaza Hotel

It’s For Sale!

Conductor: Due to a problem at 14th St-Union Square, this train will be going express to Brooklyn Bridge. This train will not stop at any local stops. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. Switch to an uptown 6 train for all local stops. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. Brooklyn Bridge is next.
Man: What was the next stop?

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Petey Mills

At the Scientology Lecture

Bimbette #1: I swear, her apartment has the best view in the whole city.
Bimbette #2: Really? What’s the view of?
Bimbette #1: You can see the Empire State Building and, uh, that other building. It’s really great.
Bimbette #2: When were you there?
Bimbette #1: I wasn’t, she just told me about it.

–STK, Little West 12th St

Overheard by: I’m convinced

Wednesday-One-Liners Miss the Peep Shows

Man: When I look up at all these buildings and I think about the people who live in them, I only have one question: Where do they all barbeque?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Guy: James Blunt is my homie. He gets me laid, on occasion.

–Men’ s room, MTV Time Square office.

Overheard by: najork

Woman: Oooh, now we’re in the other Times Square — the one with all the lights and stuff.

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: notrob

Local: Now, the Manhattan Bridge is just a block or two that way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: A tourist that ISN’T stupid

Conductor: Because of construction, the N train will be running on the N line.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mars the Infomage

Woman: Coming here is like going to a dirt Disneyland.

–Time Square

European tourist: This Time Square… Does it… Does it… Exist?

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Technicolor Wednesday-One-Liners

Voice on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, someone has lost a pair of ladies’ red-rimmed eyeglasses. That’s a pair of women’s glasses with red frames, looking for you. Get it? Cause they’re glasses, looking for…Oh, nevermind.

–Queens County Farm Museum

Overheard by: amused visitor

Girl: I only like white wine in Paris

–Union Pool

Overheard by: Andrea

Hobo: I am a Vietnam veteran. I cannot work due to the effects of Agent Orange. Agent Orange was used in Vietnam to kill all the vegetarians.

–Uptown R train

Cop: So what does the red light mean, dat you gotta come to a complete stop?

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Goueznou

Student to tourists: No, no. The black-draped building is Silver. The white building is Brown. See?

–Broadway & Mercer

Overheard by: booksandlibretti

Coast guard officer: Oh darn, I should have worn my pink coast guard hat today.

–South Street Seaport, Avon Breast Cancer Walk

The Road to 18th Street Is Paved with Mixed Intentions

Tourist: Is that train going to 18th street?
New Yorker: Yes.
Doors close.
New Yorker: But you’re not.

–Union Square Station, 4/5/6 platform

Overheard by: amused MD

I Hope So, Otherwise This Whole Trip Will Have Been a Waste of Time

Mom: No, this isn’t our stop.
Small boy: Where are we?
Mom: Christopher Street.
Small boy: Isn’t that where all the gays are?

–PATH train, Christopher St

Overheard by: kris

That’s Not Fair – Russians Are White

WASP: Do you know if they’re putting on an express train for the US Open?
Tourist: Um, no, but that’s where I’m going, too.
WASP: I know, that’s why I asked you.
Tourist: How did you know that’s where I’m going?
WASP: Because you’re white. Why else would you be going to Queens?

–7 train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Tennis Fan

Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins

Fashionista: I’m not ready for a rich man.

–East Village

Woman: Yeah, he’s got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!

–Uptown 6 train

3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.

–Playground, DUMBO

Overheard by: grimrosary

Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, “That’s what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants.”

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: LSB

Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what’s fiscally feasible for me…and by “me”, I mean my parents.

–D train

Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies…

Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Hobo Hank

Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

–Goodwill

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