On Cell

Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations

Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!

–Parking lot

Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!

–57th St & 7th Ave

Girl: I’d love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we’re not second cousins.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: tj

Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents’ bed with my mom…

–Penn Station

Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don’t know. Is Leland having sex with his father’s girlfriend?

–Outside UCB Theatre

We Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Why is love so goddamn expensive?

–Outside MoMA

Overheard by: Chris

Drunk ghetto girl screaming into cell: He told me he loved me and this and that… And this and that, dammit! And then his cock was in her, and I was like, ‘Whoa, are you with me or not?!’ So I pulled her weave out and– Hello? Are you still there?

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I just wanted to sleep

WASP suit: The newspaper made me fall in love with Brad Pitt.

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: not in love with brad pitt

Little girl: I love you, brain.

–87th & York

Girl on cell: Tell your man to stay out of my business, or I’ll break his jaw. I’ll break his jaw again! I don’t need the love of a man, I’ve got my mother and Jesus to fuckin’ love me. I can meet people — I’ve got MySpace, AOL, IM, and I can chat!

–Subway station, Canal St

Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC

Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll… The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.

–Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St

Overheard by: college graduate

White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.

–233rd St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Suit to another: Whatever, it’s New York. I’m expecting to get told ‘F-you’ like 17 times.

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Raja

Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl… I fucked that hot dog up!

–Mercer and W. 4th

Dude: Ma… Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I’m fucking serious here.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia

Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say ‘Fuck’!

–Irving & Greene, Bushwick

Overheard by: Andy

The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble

Black chick on cell: What? You don’t want a picture of me? Huh? I said, ‘You don’t want a picture of me?’ I’ll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby’s one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin’ you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that’s my baby baby.

–Coney Island

The Secret History of Wednesday One-Liners

Columbia student: The Third Reich makes me sad.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Two girls dressed as Marie Antoinette stop to pose for photos.

Effeminate Louis XVI: I say, let them have bush — I’ll eat the cake!

–Houston & 6th Ave

Professor: Sometimes there’s even a box, and the box will have Harriet Tubman in it.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Crazy guy: Abraham Lincoln is gay! That’s right, gay! Come on, now, I read the papers! You think I don’t read the papers?!

–6 train

Man on cell: I will go down as the biggest fatherfucker in history.

–Wall St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Think Their Virginity Has Come Back

Guy on cell: I finally figured out why I have no sons — no woman will sleep with me.

–Penn Station

Computer geek: I was leveling up my Wizard… Man, I’m never going to have sex.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Irbs

Loud NYU chick on cell: So, there was this guy there that kept announcing he needed to get laid… Yeah, I know. And I’m thinking, ‘Dude, you don’t let the world know you need to get laid, you just get laid,’ you know what I mean? I mean, I need to get laid, too, but I’m not letting the world know that!

–Au Bon Pain, E 8th St

Black lady on cell: … So the doctor says, ‘Tell me about your sex life.’ I told him, ‘I don’t have a sex life. I hate everyone.’

–6 train

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Wednesday One-Liners Have Redeye

Thug: This is a fuckin’ Kodak moment, man [snaps picture of fellow thug with camera phone].

–Bleecker & McDougal

Overheard by: acep

Drunk ferry operator holding a camera: I am the shutterbug. S-H-utterbug.

–2 Toms Restaurant, Park Slope

Suit on cell: Hey, sweetie, I found your Army helmet in my car. Did you find my shirt? … Because you poured beer in my ear. Why? No idea — I was going to ask you. I can’t wait to see the moustache pictures.

–Wall St

Overheard by: Wants to see the pics

Chick on cell: I thought I told you to never call me again, and here I look down at my phone and guess who it is?! … After those pictures you sent me?!

–Bleecker & Hudson

Overheard by: Me, Myself, Personally

20-year-old thug to friend: Yeah, she’s the prettiest. When she’s sucking on my dick and looks up, you just wanna take a picture.

–Queens-bound E platform, 14th St station

Overheard by: Nikki W

Gold-digging wife to gal pals: I am totally not going to Vegas for Jenny’s bachelorette party. Can you imagine the photos that could potentially be used in a future divorce proceeding?

–Del Posto Restaurant

Wireless Wednesday One-Liners

Aspiring hipster: All I need now is a tattoo and a MySpace and I’ll be set!

–Oustide Around the Clock, 9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Molly

Blonde girl: Does anyone know if the subway has wireless connection?

–1 train

Girl on cell: Well, would you fix my computer for free? … What is it with guys who fix my computer wanting to be paid in sexual favors? You’re like the fourth guy to say that to me this year.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Lady on cell: Well, have you asked him to close his MySpace account? Well, if he really loved you, he would close it!

–28th St, between Madison & Park

Overheard by: mommamoose

Teen chick on cell: Yeah, it’s funny… Google it. Wait, do you guys even have Google in Florida?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: floridian passerby

Teen chick: Oh my god! I am so putting that on the internet!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Alpha and the Omega

Columbia dude to Columbia chick: I’m trying to figure out what the hell God wants me to be. He either wants me to be a doctor or a lawyer — I can’t decide.

–Nussbaum and Wu Bakery and Cafe, 112th & Broadway

Five-year-old girl watching a dog go through airport security: Oh, please God, pleeease don’t let it die!

–JFK

Dude on cell: No, it’s okay, I understand. I’ll see you another time [hangs up]. Yes! I don’t have to go out tonight — his grandma died! There is a god! I’m going home to go to bed.

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: andrea

Woman: I don’t got no PhD — my degree is from God.

–19th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Before the Fall

Chick: …And then when the naked girl got in the balloon I was so scared I thought I would die!

–1 train

Overheard by: Michael Schiano

Dude: It’s like, as soon as you step into a room and take off your pants, all hell breaks loose!

–Allen & Stanton

Overheard by: Griffin

Dude: I swear, like, everyone on this block has seen me naked.

–Outside Rubin Hall, NYU

Overheard by: Josh

Little girl: Look! The nakeds! They’re naked!

–Greek sculpture wing, the Met

Chick on cell: I mean, if I’m going to send my friends footage of me doing topless jumping jacks, I want it to be remembered.

–Harlem

Suit on cell: You wanna know why we’re not friends anymore? Remember the last time you came to my house? I came out of the bathroom and there you were, stretched out on my sofa, naked, playing with your dick. What the fuck was that all about?

–City Hall Park

Overheard by: Big Larry

Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things — some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.

–Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room

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