Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Posted on March 7, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Classroom, Columbia University, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Height, Hospitals, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Plastic Surgery, Restaurants & Cafes, Teachers/Professors, Theater, West Village

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?

–Hunter College

Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this!

–Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn

Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Stina

Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Philip Niosi

Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.

–The Village, near Mulberry

Overheard by: DC Diva

Posted on February 21, 2007
About Celebrities, Actors, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Celebrities, College, Death, Film, Foreigners, Gays and Lesbians, Grand Central, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Hunter, Movie Theaters, Movies, NYU, On Cell, Pop Culture, Queers, Students, The Village, Times Square, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Wednesday One-Liners May Begin… Now

NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?

–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell

Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.

–45th & Broadway

Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…

–Union Square

Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!

–NYU Silver Center

Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?

–Columbia University

Posted on February 14, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Classroom, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cops, Delis, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Manhattan, NYU, On Cell, Questions, School, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, West Village

Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry.

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk.

–University Pl & 14th St

Overheard by: Erin

Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.

–Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: MmmSandwich

Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?

–115th St & Broadway

Posted on January 31, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Diet/Weight, Food, Foreplay, Frat Boys, Junk Food & Fast Food, Moms, On Cell, Smokers & Smoking, Starbucks, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

Posted on January 31, 2007
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Backdoor, Brooklyn, Colors, Dildos and Vibrators, Duane Reade, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Health and Hygiene, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, People, Places, Private Parts, Queer guys, Queers, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Shopping, Store, The Village, Topics, Union Square and East Village, Venues

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Posted on January 31, 2007
Actors, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, BJs, Black People, Eating Out, Homeless, Manhattan, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, People, Places, Pop Culture, School, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Suits, Topics, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Miss Hilton’s Publicist Keeps His Finger on the Pulse

Girl #1: Britney really needs to stop showing her hoo-ha all over Hollywood.
Girl #2: Seriously. If I see one more picture of her vag, I’ll vomit.
Girl #1: What, her mother didn’t teach her to put on panties?
Girl #2: Or get out of a car without showing her cooter?
Girl #3: I was on Perez Hilton dot com the other day, and they fully had pictures of her in all her glory.
Girl #2: Oh my god, was it bald? I heard it actually looked nice and neat.
Girl #3: Yeah, I guess it was okay. One of the nicer ones I’ve seen.
Guy at next table on cell: What? … Oh, sorry honey. No, I’m paying attention to you. I’m just at Starbucks, and some girls were, uh… talking really loud at the next table.

–Starbucks, Union Square

Posted on January 25, 2007
About Celebrities, Girls, On Cell, Starbucks, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations

Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!

–Parking lot

Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!

–57th St & 7th Ave

Girl: I’d love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we’re not second cousins.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: tj

Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents’ bed with my mom…

–Penn Station

Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don’t know. Is Leland having sex with his father’s girlfriend?

–Outside UCB Theatre

Posted on January 24, 2007
Black People, Family Ties, Hipsters, On Cell

We Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Why is love so goddamn expensive?

–Outside MoMA

Overheard by: Chris

Drunk ghetto girl screaming into cell: He told me he loved me and this and that… And this and that, dammit! And then his cock was in her, and I was like, ‘Whoa, are you with me or not?!’ So I pulled her weave out and– Hello? Are you still there?

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I just wanted to sleep

WASP suit: The newspaper made me fall in love with Brad Pitt.

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: not in love with brad pitt

Little girl: I love you, brain.

–87th & York

Girl on cell: Tell your man to stay out of my business, or I’ll break his jaw. I’ll break his jaw again! I don’t need the love of a man, I’ve got my mother and Jesus to fuckin’ love me. I can meet people — I’ve got MySpace, AOL, IM, and I can chat!

–Subway station, Canal St

Posted on January 24, 2007
Ghetto Chicks, Hobos, Kids, Love, On Cell, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC

Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll… The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.

–Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St

Overheard by: college graduate

White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.

–233rd St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Suit to another: Whatever, it’s New York. I’m expecting to get told ‘F-you’ like 17 times.

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Raja

Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl… I fucked that hot dog up!

–Mercer and W. 4th

Dude: Ma… Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I’m fucking serious here.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia

Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say ‘Fuck’!

–Irving & Greene, Bushwick

Overheard by: Andy

Posted on January 17, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, On Cell, Suits, White Trash, Words

On Cell