On Cell

A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself

Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don’t even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I’m not fucking dumb but I’m not. [His wife starts hitting him.]Drunk guy: Shut up! That’s what my two-year-old boy says — ‘Shut up’! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? … Excellent!

–Bx10 bus

Overheard by: LSB

Wednesday One-Liners Call Their Bookies

Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? ‘Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom’s attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?

–34th & 2nd

Dude: You know what? I’m just going to drop out of college and play baseball, ’cause I’ve always wanted to play for the NBA!

–SJU baseball field

Overheard by: rach boogie

Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.

–L train

Overheard by: Aidan

Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.

–55th & 7th

Overheard by: Caroline

Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium… Home of, y’know, that other team.

–Flushing-bound 7 train

Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?

–Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: amused tourist

Wednesday One-Liners Join a Book Club

TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I’m leaving.

–Sociology class, NYU

Expert conversationalist: I’m just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I’m reading if you want.

–Cafe Henri, West Village

Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Maija

Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl’s Guide to Riker’s Island.

–53rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Bruni

20-ish girl on cell: I don’t like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Muffin

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe

Guy: The nun at work keeps hitting on me!

–Havana Central, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Arogpelter

Panhandler: Donations? Give to the church of malt liquor!

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd St

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Student running through hall: I need my Bible!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: lol

Woman on cell: Hi, sweetie. I just wanted to call you back, real quick ’cause I’m on my cell, and tell you something else God wanted me to tell you.

–GWB Port Authority

30-ish guido seeing girl with ashes on foreheard: You know, I’ve noticed that the church is making better ashes.

–102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: what does that even mean?!

Manager: Ben! Quit it with the stigmata! We’ve talked about this!

–Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Teen boy: We should pray to Josh’s parents so they give us a plasma screen TV.

–A train

Overheard by: Paula

Wednesday One-Liners Talk with Their Mouths Full

Angry lady to boyfriend: They don’t pay my fucking rent! They don’t eat my fucking pussy!

–E 9th & 5th

Man on cell: It comes down to about seven dollars a blowjob.

–59th & 5th

Wheelbo, politely: Excuse me, does the bus stop here? [Ignored, so addresses next passerby politely] Pardon me, ma’am? Are you looking for a dick to suck?

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: No, I am not.

SVA photography teacher: You’d have a better time giving head to King Kong than using this method.

–SVA, 21st & 3rd

Overheard by: student

Kid on cell: … So I said, ‘You can suck my dick for some of your spaghetti.’

–Outside hardware store, 102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Josh

Dude: If I could’ve gone down on a donkey I would have done it.

–W New York hotel, Union Square

17-year-old girl on cell: So, this girl was eating me out, right? [Pause] Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Wednesday One-Liners Have Healthy Immune Systems

Irate lady with luggage: This is a filthy town! Horrible!

–Penn Station

Guy on cell: You opened a cadaver today? Oh, shit, man — congrats! That’s so cool… I changed a nasty dirty diaper today.

–26th & 8th

Mother to sobbing young son: Honey, you can’t pet a stranger’s mink. You just can’t. Especially with dirty hands — that’s why she was mad at you.

–M3 bus, 45th & 5th

Blonde on cell, wearing mink coat: I have a couture mink coat, and I will not have those low-lifes getting their crappy filth all over it!

–Starbucks, Citigroup Center

Woman hurrying small boy along: Yes, that wall is filthy, don’t touch it. Everything you can see in this city is dirty.

–W 67th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Asian man: Look, if you’re gonna stab me at least use the clean knife.

–Applebee’s, 42nd St

Overheard by: explosivo

Woman on elliptical to woman on stationary bike: Justin made me take the subway today. I didn’t like it. I felt dirty.

–Equinox, Soho

Overheard by: jdm

Wag the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: So, the doctor tells me to get on the table. He could’ve told me to get on the table and be a dog and I would’ve hopped on there and went, ‘Bow-wow, motherfuck.’

–6 train

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Young girl to mother: Do you think I’m a dog? I’ll tell you if I am.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: vm

30-ish woman: Tom’s* ass, to me, is like a steak to a sleeping dog… Rrruff!

–34th & 5th

Overheard by: hungry dog

Big black man: My friend is looking for people to sell cocaine for him. He figured out this great way to get around the dogs — they’re scared of bigger animals, so he puts all his drugs in bull shit.

–Bus, Broadway

Overheard by: lora

Dude: Are those things dogs or are those things people?

–Union Square

Overheard by: The Baron

Checkout chick: So, that’s my dilemma — do I spend my tax refund on a chihuahua or a Master’s degree?

–Warehouse Wines, 770 Broadway

Overheard by: Jamie

Wednesday One-Liners Want the Drumstick

Little boy: The pigeon knows no fear.

–Central Park

Outraged 20-something to friend: He’s the one who told me to put the duck in the eulogy!

–Columbus Circle

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s so hot outside I could cook a turkey between my legs!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: Sharon

Extremely flamboyant black guy: I threw my corn, but I ain’t throw no chicken! Okay?

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: waste not, want not

Little girl: Mommy, I just saw two pigeons dancing together!

–M66 bus

Guy: Is that a baby or a chicken?!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: emily

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?

–Hunter College

Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this!

–Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn

Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Stina

Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Philip Niosi

Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.

–The Village, near Mulberry

Overheard by: DC Diva

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