Guy on cell: Yes, I’ve got the light saber, but do you think I’ll get in with it?
Friend #1 a few steps behind, on cell: Anal sex, anal sex, anal sex, anal sex!
Friend #2 a few steps behind #1, uneasy: Sorry.
–8th & 7th
Guy on cell: Yes, I’ve got the light saber, but do you think I’ll get in with it?
Friend #1 a few steps behind, on cell: Anal sex, anal sex, anal sex, anal sex!
Friend #2 a few steps behind #1, uneasy: Sorry.
–8th & 7th
20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don’t you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I’m sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That’s an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one…
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.
–Elevator, 62nd & 2nd
Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.
–10th & 2nd
Overheard by: emilia
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.
–B train
Overheard by: Janelle
Guy in hoodie: I don’t know — rain gear just doesn’t really turn me on.
–Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ktg
Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.
–Bus to Staten Island
Chick on cell: … And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, ‘Dude, you’re rubbing your erection on me…’
–Fordham University
Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?
–40th & 5th
Overheard by: don’t wanna know
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
30-ish investment banker on cell: She had so much makeup on her face she looked like she had just blown 20 clowns.
–44th & Park
Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don’t even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I’m not fucking dumb but I’m not. [His wife starts hitting him.]Drunk guy: Shut up! That’s what my two-year-old boy says — ‘Shut up’! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? … Excellent!
–Bx10 bus
Overheard by: LSB
Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? ‘Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom’s attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?
–34th & 2nd
Dude: You know what? I’m just going to drop out of college and play baseball, ’cause I’ve always wanted to play for the NBA!
–SJU baseball field
Overheard by: rach boogie
Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.
–L train
Overheard by: Aidan
Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.
–55th & 7th
Overheard by: Caroline
Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium… Home of, y’know, that other team.
–Flushing-bound 7 train
Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?
–Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: amused tourist
TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I’m leaving.
–Sociology class, NYU
Expert conversationalist: I’m just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I’m reading if you want.
–Cafe Henri, West Village
Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Maija
Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl’s Guide to Riker’s Island.
–53rd & 3rd
Overheard by: Bruni
20-ish girl on cell: I don’t like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Muffin
Guy: The nun at work keeps hitting on me!
–Havana Central, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Arogpelter
Panhandler: Donations? Give to the church of malt liquor!
–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd St
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Student running through hall: I need my Bible!
–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: lol
Woman on cell: Hi, sweetie. I just wanted to call you back, real quick ’cause I’m on my cell, and tell you something else God wanted me to tell you.
–GWB Port Authority
30-ish guido seeing girl with ashes on foreheard: You know, I’ve noticed that the church is making better ashes.
–102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: what does that even mean?!
Manager: Ben! Quit it with the stigmata! We’ve talked about this!
–Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Teen boy: We should pray to Josh’s parents so they give us a plasma screen TV.
–A train
Overheard by: Paula
Angry lady to boyfriend: They don’t pay my fucking rent! They don’t eat my fucking pussy!
–E 9th & 5th
Man on cell: It comes down to about seven dollars a blowjob.
–59th & 5th
Wheelbo, politely: Excuse me, does the bus stop here? [Ignored, so addresses next passerby politely] Pardon me, ma’am? Are you looking for a dick to suck?
–42nd & Madison
Overheard by: No, I am not.
SVA photography teacher: You’d have a better time giving head to King Kong than using this method.
–SVA, 21st & 3rd
Overheard by: student
Kid on cell: … So I said, ‘You can suck my dick for some of your spaghetti.’
–Outside hardware store, 102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Josh
Dude: If I could’ve gone down on a donkey I would have done it.
–W New York hotel, Union Square
17-year-old girl on cell: So, this girl was eating me out, right? [Pause] Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number.
–Starbucks, Union Square West
