On Cell

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

Tranny throw-down in the middle of the street blocks traffic.

Man on cell: Come across the street — there’s a tranny fight!
Woman looking down subway stairs: You’re missing the action!
Trendy girl to boyfriend: Ugh, fighting in front of Starbucks? Real classy.

–Grove St & 7th Ave

Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!

–Fordham University

Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.

–JFK

Overheard by: spanky

Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!

–Highline Ballroom

Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’

–W Broadway

Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: SplendidConfusion

Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!

–Harlem Meer, Central Park

Overheard by: mj

Old guy with gray hair: I used to be an old guy with gray hair!

–Mott & Canal St

Overheard by: Will

80-year-old man: What is rough sex? Do I put her against the wall? I don’t know.

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Liz

Old lady struggling to get layers of scarves and coats off: I’m not used to having to put clothes on.

–New York Historical Society

Old lady on cell: Old people like sex! I’m 85, and I still like me some sex!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: imerikaf

75-year-old lady to hobo on bench: Oh, wow, you look so cozy!

–Central Park

Old man with cane to 20-ish girl who just nabbed the cab he hailed: Happy holidays, you dumb bitch!

–62nd & 2nd

Old white guy: Fo’ shizzle!

–Outside Nederlander Theatre

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

Nasal woman on cell: Heyyy, what you doooin’?
Stoner guy passerby, imitating her voice: Smokin’ weeeed.

–74th & CPW

Chick on cell: Oh, I have a few Johns. [To guy friend next to her, who laughs] Oh, shut up! [Into cell] No, but really, I do.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Nik

Voice of girl #1 from cell: Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?
Girl #2, into cell: Well, if you would shut the fuck up, then I could hear you!

–Houston & Broadway

Dude #1 on cell: I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I love you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It will never happen again. What else can I say? [Hags up.]Dude #2: Damage control?
Dude #1: Damage control.

–Waiting for elevator, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: TrenchCoat

Jamaican nanny on cell: Girl, I just got back from a four day vacation. Where? My bed. We fucked nonstop for four days like dogs. I couldn’t even get out to take a shit.
Mother: Excuse me, there are children around.
Jamaican nanny: Fuck the children!

–Food Emporium, UWS

Overheard by: Dan