Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Cell Phone, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Penis, Sexuality, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

Wednesdays and Their Stupid One-Liners

Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: haha

Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building?

–E 10th & Broadway

Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer?

–Manhattan-bound N train

Overheard by: paratactical

Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters?

–Canal & Broadway

Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right?

–Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square

Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you’re not right

Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don’t even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore?

–23rd & Lex

Posted on March 19, 2008
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Default, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Grand Central, History & Geography, Idiots, Insults, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Tourism, Tourists, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.

–WaMu Bank, Staten Island

Overheard by: staten’s most hated

Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.

–Westway Diner

Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.

–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave

Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.

–11th & 1st

Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: SBS

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bank, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Couples, Coworkers, Default, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Museum of Natural History, Office, On Cell, Philosophy, Punch, Punks, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Store, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

Posted on March 19, 2008
Animals & Nature, Breaking Up, Catholics, Christianity, Clothing, College, Default, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, God Squad, Guys, Hipsters, Hitler/Nazis, Jews, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, Questions, Relationships, Rockefeller Center, Shiksas (& other Gentiles), Starbucks, Stupidity, Tourist Attractions, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires, Words

And It Was Completely Self-Contained

Dude on cell: He just ate the whole freaking diaper? So, he just shit it out in little pieces?

–Red Rock Bar, 17th & 10th

Overheard by: Scooby-Don’t

Posted on March 18, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Default, Guys, Kids, On Cell, Poop

A Performance by T.S. Celliot, the Screaming Poet of Mass Transit

Guy on cell: I said to send flowers to his grave! What? Flowers! Wait. I just lost you for a second. Can you hear me now?
Annoyed passenger: Yes, we fucking can.

–NJ Transit

Posted on March 15, 2008
Animals & Nature, Comebacks, Death, Default, Guys, On Cell, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday Number-Two Liners

Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.

–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.

–Penn Station

Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Bailey

Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!

–2nd Ave, LES

Overheard by: caroline

Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.

–Essex St

NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!

–8th & Mercer

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, College, Default, Gripes, Hipsters, Lower East Side, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, Penn Station, Poop, Strangers, Students, The Village, Time, Violence, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners: More Than Just a Hippie Musical

Thug to friends: Yo, it’s not like I’m gay! Just… the kid had some nice hair!

–Ave M, Q train stop

Overheard by: LoRna

Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son… That shit is phat!

–Southern Blvd, Bronx

Overheard by: E.J.

Seven-year-old blonde to friend: … And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: SELENA

Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn’t have any hair, so he better be good-looking.

–13th & 6th

Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We’d like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we’ve got a sista in Harlem waitin’ to do her hair.

–R train

Overheard by: Marisa

Posted on March 12, 2008
Asians, Body Parts, Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Compliments, Default, Girls, Gripes, Hair, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Sexuality, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Washington Square Park, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Operate Heavy Farm Equipment

Girl: I’ll drink for charity. I mean, I’m gonna be drinking anyway, so sure.

–Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: Thomas

Chick in Santa suit, on cell: How’s it going? Santa’s sobering up.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo to pigeon walking toward his booze: Get away from that, you alcoholic bitch!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Shanaca

Girl to friend: I’m not drunk, I just like the way it feels on my skin!

–2nd St & Ave B

Chick on cell: … So you were like, ‘I should become an alcoholic.’

–Mulberry & Spring

Grad student, slowly: I followed you down the bedrunkenation path.

–International Affairs building, Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl: My friend wants to get a wheelchair and put a keg on it. He wants to call it ‘handi-tapped.’

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on March 12, 2008
Animals & Nature, Columbia (& Barnard), Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Holidays, Insults, On Cell, Soho, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Were “Working Late”

Drunk woman: I won’t sleep with people when I’m drunk. I’m not like that. I get drunk and I punch people in the face… I’m totally against infidelity. I can’t deal with that. I mean, I’ve been caught cheating lots of times, and it totally sucks.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Caitlin

Guy: So, he’s pissed off because he’s dating this fucking hot stripper — she’s, like, West of freaky — and he can’t tell anybody because they’re all friends with his fiancé and would tell her.

–Brooklyn-bound D train, Atlantic Ave stop

Overheard by: just visiting

Girl on cell: Sorry, I’m on my way to the airport. It was either go to Michigan or cheat on my boyfriend… No, I’m going to Michigan.

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cat Darcy

German girl, after breaking kiss with another chick: Don’t worry about my husband too much…

–Frost St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: jayloo

Black man on cell: … So I put my hand between her legs… Nah, she wasn’t wearing any panties… She’s mad cool, but she’s married…

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Izabela

Ghetto mama: … And I said to her, ‘No, I did not fuck yo’ husband. But I did let him eat my pussy!’

–Nostrand Ave

Overheard by: Kris S.

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Black People, Brooklyn, Dating, Default, Drunks, Eating Out, Foreigners, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Infidelity, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Punch, Strippers, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

On Cell