Let’s Talk about Wednesday One-Liners, Baby

Girl to friend: That’s the difference between you and me: I have camp and you have sex.

–Bard High School Early College

Female commuter to male commuter after he accused her of pushing onto train: Just be grateful you had someone to rub against on a Friday night.

–6 train

Overheard by: Carol

Bearded dude: If you can’t tell me within five seconds the most number of fingers you’ve ever had in a woman at one time, I don’t want to talk to you about sex.

–Whiskey Park, Central Park South

Overheard by: Argopelter

Guy on cell, talking to someone’s voicemail: Hi, it’s Reacharound. I’m on my way to the library, but let me know if you want to get dinner later.

–Houston & Sullivan

Overheard by: lish

Chick: Actually, I can’t think of anything that’s not a metaphor for sexual awakening.

–Starbucks, 44th & 9th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on April 2, 2008
Advice, Central Park, College, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Default, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hand-Jobs, Leisure, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Sex, Starbucks, Street, The Village, Vagina, Women, Words

Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!

–Times Square

Overheard by: biting my tongue

Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.

–Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!

–125th St

Overheard by: Kerry & Bob

Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish

Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.

–55th & Park

Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Mondo Man

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Government, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Paranoia, Questions, Street, Suits, Time, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody’s Gotta Do Them

Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.

–1 train, 125th St

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: ADA

20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!

–Morton & Hudson

Overheard by: Sam

Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!

–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth

Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.

–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway

Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.

–109th & Amsterdam

Posted on March 26, 2008
Abortion, Balls, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Default, Druggies, Drugs, Education, Girls, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Punch, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Subway conductors, Teens, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Cell Phone, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Penis, Sexuality, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

Wednesdays and Their Stupid One-Liners

Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: haha

Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building?

–E 10th & Broadway

Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer?

–Manhattan-bound N train

Overheard by: paratactical

Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters?

–Canal & Broadway

Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right?

–Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square

Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you’re not right

Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don’t even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore?

–23rd & Lex

Posted on March 19, 2008
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Default, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Grand Central, History & Geography, Idiots, Insults, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Tourism, Tourists, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.

–WaMu Bank, Staten Island

Overheard by: staten’s most hated

Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.

–Westway Diner

Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.

–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave

Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.

–11th & 1st

Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: SBS

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bank, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Couples, Coworkers, Default, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Museum of Natural History, Office, On Cell, Philosophy, Punch, Punks, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Store, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

Posted on March 19, 2008
Animals & Nature, Breaking Up, Catholics, Christianity, Clothing, College, Default, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, God Squad, Guys, Hipsters, Hitler/Nazis, Jews, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, Questions, Relationships, Rockefeller Center, Shiksas (& other Gentiles), Starbucks, Stupidity, Tourist Attractions, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires, Words

And It Was Completely Self-Contained

Dude on cell: He just ate the whole freaking diaper? So, he just shit it out in little pieces?

–Red Rock Bar, 17th & 10th

Overheard by: Scooby-Don’t

Posted on March 18, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Default, Guys, Kids, On Cell, Poop

A Performance by T.S. Celliot, the Screaming Poet of Mass Transit

Guy on cell: I said to send flowers to his grave! What? Flowers! Wait. I just lost you for a second. Can you hear me now?
Annoyed passenger: Yes, we fucking can.

–NJ Transit

Posted on March 15, 2008
Animals & Nature, Comebacks, Death, Default, Guys, On Cell, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday Number-Two Liners

Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.

–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.

–Penn Station

Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Bailey

Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!

–2nd Ave, LES

Overheard by: caroline

Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.

–Essex St

NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!

–8th & Mercer

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, College, Default, Gripes, Hipsters, Lower East Side, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, Penn Station, Poop, Strangers, Students, The Village, Time, Violence, Williamsburg

On Cell