Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners

Stagehand: I’m telling you, in my next life I’m gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it’s gonna be great!

–Lincoln Center

Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you’ll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Poogins

Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!

–Parsons, 40th & 7th ave

College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin’s feet.] Never mind, it’s not a mermaid!

–Museum of Natural History

Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I’ll be the tooth fairy!

–Times Square Subway

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crazies, Happiness, Hobos, Holidays, Jesus, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Museum of Natural History, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Shopping, Sorority Girls, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Get Wednesday One-Liners

Big bald guy: No, no, you don’t have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.

–Office Building, Hudson St

Guy: I took your advice, bro. I’m gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But… I gotta get drunk first.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: erin

Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won’t sign the pre-nup and then you’ll be free.

–Wall Street

Black chick: No! No! Ain’t no one gettin’ lynched at my wedding!

–Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway

Overheard by: off white

Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that’s the way he saves the marriage… Otherwise it’s "Mommy, I don’t feel well’ and ‘Mommy, may I be excused from the table."

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me… Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!

–Penn Station

Posted on April 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Buildings, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Girls, Goths, Guys, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Pope, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Show business, Soho, Staten Island, Suits, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

4 Out of 5 Dentists Prefer Wednesday One-Liners

Sleazy guy: I love going to my dentist, the new one. The hygienist holds my hand while they’re giving me a shot. She talks to me. She pets me like a chinchilla. It’s fantastic.

–Elevator, 360 Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Old man with pet lizard: Thirty-four years ago we got married. She had dental coverage. It’s very easy to find a girl with medical coverage… Dental, not so easy.

–77th St & 37th Ave, Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Gail Montemayor

Blonde tween: they usually take out 2 teeth before they put on the braces. They took 4 of mine. It felt great! I wanted ’em to take all of mine and be all gums.

–D Train

Overheard by: Going to keep those wisdom teeth a bit longer

Girl on cell: So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.

–77th and 2nd

Cleaning woman on cell phone: She is a butterface. You know, everything’s lookin’ good but her face. Her body is nice, but she has some ugly-ass, skanky ass face. I told her she ain’t gonna get no man without any teeth in her face. I told her she’s gotta get some nice grilles put all up in there.

–Atlantic Mall

Overheard by: jsillyfun

Ghetto girl spouting knowledge to friend: Sometimes, you just gotta bite your teeth, and turn the other head…

–4 train

Guy on acid: I can’t get the taste of teeth out of my mouth!

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on April 9, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Beauty, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Druggies, Elevators, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Malls, Marriage, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Straight Trippin', Teeth, Tweens, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vomit, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Does It Wednesday One-Liner When You Pee?

Man on phone, while withdrawing cash at the ATM: Congrats, dude. It could still be chlamydia though!

–LES

Overheard by: Romano

Kid: I don’t like this place, it has aids.

–F Train

Overheard by: Richard J. Anderson

Man on cell: You can’t just sleep in somebody’s bed and not tell them you have scabies. That’s… irresponsible.

–Home Depot

Professional woman: So I think you have an STD and blah blah blah.

–Times Square

Customer: Can we get an extra plate? He’s sick and I have herpes.

–Freemans, Freeman’s Alley

Twentysomething businesswoman: I was like, ‘oh my god, don’t hook up with my mom’… she has crabs!

–13th & 2nd

Overheard by: Natalia

Posted on April 9, 2008
Advice, AIDS, All Wednesday One-Liners, Customers, Default, Illness, Kids, Lower East Side, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Sex, STDs, Store, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Catch It in the End

Drunk girl: I don’t like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.

–D train

20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Girl on cell: I mean, I don’t know if it’s because I like never do this or if it’s because it’s sooo big… But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can’t even sit down.

–UWS

Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: westchester girl

Young lady:… And then he jammed it in my shitbox.

–Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights

B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: David

Posted on April 9, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Backdoor, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Drunks, Friends, Girls, God, Grand Central, Madison Square Garden, Marriage, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Rape, Suits, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

The Shameless Name Dropping Of Wednesday One-Liners

Elegant lady on cell: I’m a powerful influence on the Kennedys.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Fat black man to white man who breaks his umbrella while trying to help him open it: Aw, hells no. Don’t make me go all Britney Spears on yo’ ass.

–Duane Reade, 57th & Broadway

Chick, to guy: Danny Pintauro hit on you at a leather club?

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor to class: … The ark of the covenant gone, only to be found by Harrison Ford later on.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Krisztina

Barista to meathead: … That’s the thing about Drew Bledsoe. He smokes a lot of marijuana.

–11th & Bedford

NYU girl: I want to be Patrick Dempsey! So I could fuck myself!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Maya G.

Suit on cell: Dude, you’re dating Sigourney Weaver? Right now? Dude, are you kissing her? Are you grabbing her ass? Does she still have an ass at this point?

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken

Posted on April 9, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Baristas, Black People, Brooklyn, Dating, Default, Duane Reade, Fat People, Fordham, Girls, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, On Cell, Politics, Questions, Rich people, S&M, Sex, Smoking, Street, Students, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Weed, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

God Bless Wednesday One-Liners

Cop: There are no downtown express trains! I repeat, there are no downtown express trains. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the President of the United States!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Trixie

Suit on cell: The problem with Canada is that it’s not the U.S.

–129th St, Harlem

Overheard by: Koen

Black guy on cell: Yeah, what is Condoleezza Rice, anyway? I think she’s Puerto Rican or Dominican. She’s definitely not American.

–Barnes & Noble, W 66th St

Black guy to white friend eating lunch: Ah, yes, the American dream: doing nothing while eating a sandwich.

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Thirty-two-gallon garbage can — who wants this beautiful 32-gallon garbage can? Made right here in the US-of-A! Come on, people! It’s an American product at Mexican prices. Now, what’s my first bid?

–4th Ave & Atlantic

Overheard by: Mike N

Large black lady on cell: I know, right? Osama bin Laden is like the Uncle Sam of America!

–CVS Pharmacy

Posted on April 2, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Business and Commerce, Cops, Default, Food, Friends, Global Geography, Government, Harlem & Morningside Heights, History & Geography, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Politics, President, Public Transportation, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Suits, Terrorism, Weirdness, Women

Let’s Talk about Wednesday One-Liners, Baby

Girl to friend: That’s the difference between you and me: I have camp and you have sex.

–Bard High School Early College

Female commuter to male commuter after he accused her of pushing onto train: Just be grateful you had someone to rub against on a Friday night.

–6 train

Overheard by: Carol

Bearded dude: If you can’t tell me within five seconds the most number of fingers you’ve ever had in a woman at one time, I don’t want to talk to you about sex.

–Whiskey Park, Central Park South

Overheard by: Argopelter

Guy on cell, talking to someone’s voicemail: Hi, it’s Reacharound. I’m on my way to the library, but let me know if you want to get dinner later.

–Houston & Sullivan

Overheard by: lish

Chick: Actually, I can’t think of anything that’s not a metaphor for sexual awakening.

–Starbucks, 44th & 9th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on April 2, 2008
Advice, Central Park, College, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Default, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hand-Jobs, Leisure, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Sex, Starbucks, Street, The Village, Vagina, Women, Words

Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!

–Times Square

Overheard by: biting my tongue

Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.

–Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!

–125th St

Overheard by: Kerry & Bob

Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish

Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.

–55th & Park

Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Mondo Man

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Government, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Paranoia, Questions, Street, Suits, Time, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody’s Gotta Do Them

Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.

–1 train, 125th St

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: ADA

20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!

–Morton & Hudson

Overheard by: Sam

Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!

–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth

Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.

–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway

Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.

–109th & Amsterdam

Posted on March 26, 2008
Abortion, Balls, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Default, Druggies, Drugs, Education, Girls, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Punch, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Subway conductors, Teens, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

On Cell