Tourist: Is this our stop?
Helpful stranger: This train only got one stop!
Tourist: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know. This is my first time on a subway!
Helpful stranger: Then get the fuck away from me! I don't want no tourist cooties!
–S Train
Overheard by: Heather
Black man #1, talking about Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ: Yo, you remember the prostitute?
Black man #2: What?
Black man #1: The prostitute. He saved her life.
Black man #2: By the well, dog, getting water.
Black man #1: Right. Niggas is like, drinking beers, and they goin' throw stones at her, 'til he be like, only them that ain't sinned can throw rocks, and they all backed down.
Black man #2: Yo, that shit was tight, man.
–Q Train
Young wanna-be-badass teen: I hate yuppies!
Man: I hate 14-year-olds!
Young wanna-be-badass teen: Me too!
Man: So, what, you're 13?
Young wanna-be-badass teen: Yeah.
Man: I was close.
–F Frain
Overheard by: ames
Teenage hippie: Are we at Queens yet?
African American man: Yeah, duh.
Teenage hippie: How can you tell?
African American man: See those trees? Trees don't grow in Brooklyn. They only grow in Queens.
–J train
Overheard by: Charlie Zhen
Teen girl: So I deleted my Facebook.
Teen guy: See! There's another one!
Teen girl: Another what?
Teen guy: Another difference, my last girlfriend deleted her MySpace and kept her Facebook. That's, like, so weird.
Teen girl: But we both had both.
Teen guy: Don't argue.
–2 Train
Guy: I finally found someone who's as crazy about me as I am!
–1st Ave & 2nd St
Young guy to girlfriend: Sometimes I listen to myself and I think, "How do I know *so much* about marketing?"
–Downtown E Train
Guy to friend in movie theater, just before movie starts: Dude, my blog post today was *so* good.
–Loews Theater, 34th St
Girl: I'm attractive and I have a lot of friends!
–PATH Train
Overheard by: tb
Girl to friends: Hey guys… I'm really glad we're us. Or else I'd be really jealous of us.
–West Village
Overheard by: Max
Random white male on cell: People thought I was weird as shit in high school… Cause I hung out with all the black people!
–Washington Square Park
Uptown girl: This place is…this is weird.
–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Emily B.
Girl: She was weird. She had, like, a Midwestern accent or something. I think she was from Maine.
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Tattooed 20-something girl: He's such a weirdo; I had to ask six times for his urine.
–J Train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chick on cell: He's had his dick in me, but I worry it would be out of line to Facebook friend him. Modern life is so weird.
–Columbia University
Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!
–Greenwich Village
Overheard by: J.D.
Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!
–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?
Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.
–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings
Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.
–Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: MattyB
Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.
–31st St & 7th Ave
30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?
–D Train
Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!
–SoHo
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?
–72nd & Broadway
Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.
–Downtown 6 Train
Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!
–Columbia Quad
Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Toddlington
Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
White dude to passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't normally do this. I just got out of jail and my family won't let me come back home. I am not a drug user or an alcoholic. I go back to work on Monday, please help me. I'm scared. I went to a shelter and I was beaten and had everything taken from me. I'm just trying to make enough to stay at the YMCA for the night. Anything you can do to help me…
Chica, yelling: Yo, my friend wants to know what you was in jail for!
White dude: Oh, I raped a girl.
–F Train
Overheard by: LZA
