Wednesdays Make You Want to Have One-Liners of Your Own

Little white boy to frustrated black nanny who is trying to hail a cab: My daddy always gets a taxi!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Dan

Little boy: This place is like a dead zoo.

–American Museum of Natural History

Four-year-old boy: Yo, this sofa is mad comfy!

–Used Furniture Store, Staten Island

Four-year-old boy: That’s enough, I’m calling Interpol!

–A Train

Overheard by: Swarles

Little girl to mom after terrible Skyride attraction: Mommy, can we never do this again?
(random guy behind her starts laughing) Stop it! Stop laughing at me!

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Claire

Eight-year-old boy: This museum is inappropriate.

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Greek & Roman Sculpture Wing

Overheard by: Taylor

Posted on November 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Death, Empire State Building, Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Laughter, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parents, Soho, Staten Island, Store, The Met, Upper East Side, White People

I'm Getting Kind Of Tired Of Falling Back on That

Trashy Jersey man: That guy is such a jerk to his wife.
Trashy Jersey woman: Yeah, one time I peed myself in his car just to make him mad. I told him, “I just peed in your car.” He was mad.
Trashy Jersey man: That was a good idea. Or you could have busted his face with a bottle.

–2 Train

Posted on November 19, 2015
B & T, Cars and Driving, Gossip, Insults, On the Subway, Pee, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been So Secularized

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street is next, 59th Street. Everyone have a pleasant day. And a friendly reminder: only 10 shopping days left until Christmas! Be festive, but don’t spend your money all at once! Ho, ho, ho! Always remember the three gift-giving rules of Christmas. They’re as easy as A, B, C. A: Make a list of everyone you want to buy a gift for. B: Ask them what they want for Christmas. C: Tell them, ‘Give me the money and I’ll buy it for you!’ 59th Street.

–A train

Overheard by: d, cover your groin

Woman selling adult books entitled Extra-Marital Affair: Get your books here! Make great Christmas presents for your loved ones!

–Penn Station, 34th St entrance

Overheard by: Bewildered

Chick dog-walker on cell: I am not doing A Christmas Carol at the Mississippi Shakespeare Festival!

–Payson Ave & Beak St

Conductor: Listen up, people! I can’t stress this enough: you only have two hands. If a third one is in your pocket, make some noise! I’m sure other passengers will help you out. You don’t want anyone having a merry Christmas on your hard work. [Long pause, then singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [Another pause] There are only six shopping days left. Ho, ho, ho!

–A train

Overheard by: he brightened my day

Tourist watching erection of Rockefeller Christmas tree: What’s the big tree for?

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: B.W. McAdams

Posted on November 18, 2015
Conductors, Holidays, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Shopping, Stupidity, Tourists

Assholes Kind of Speak a Universal Language

Fat lady: Do you understand English?
Guy: I do and you sound like an asshole.

–7 train

Posted on November 14, 2015
Fat People, Guys, Language Barrier, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On the Subway, People, Places, Stupidity, Women

Wow, Talented and Deep!

Break-dancer #1, after kick-ass routine: Thanks very much for all your contributions…
Break-dancer #2: And remember! The more money you give us…
Break-dancer #1: The more money we have!

–C Train

Posted on November 13, 2015
Dancing, Money & Class, On the Subway, Panhandling, Vendors & Street Performers

She'd Have So Much in Common with Them

Bro #1: Dude, I don't know, every day this week she's been upset. Crying about something, then apologizing…
Bro #2: Solid. You guys should make kids.

–4 Train

Posted on November 11, 2015
Apologies, Crying, Guys, Kids, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Relationships

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?

–1 Train

Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: j

Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)

–Times Square

Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here!

–Times Square

Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.

–Bleecker Street

Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.

–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones

Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

Posted on November 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Fat People, Food, Midwesterners, Moms, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Southerners, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Clay was at the Bottom of the Contestants

Queer #1: …Well, he’s going to start his own porn company and he asked me to shoot for it.
Queer #2: So are you going to do it?
Queer #1: Hell, yeah! And I get to go auditions and sit there like Simon Cowell and be like, “You’re hot; you’re gross.”
Queer #2: So when they do auditions do they make them try out and do blowjobs and stuff?
Queer #1: No I just think they make them get naked.

–F train

Overheard by: Joe M.

Posted on November 10, 2015
About Celebrities, BJs, Jobs & Careers, Nudity, On the Subway, Porn, Queer guys

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Caucasian’

Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man’s shit in there.

–Trump Tower, 5th Ave

Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?

–Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn

Overheard by: they’re coming

Woman: But it’s Aryan night…

–116th & Broadway

Hobo playing guitar: I’ve got three kids at home — I’ll take anything. I’ll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people’s money, change, food, weed… I’ll even take white people’s money.

–1 train

Overheard by: trooshieb

Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain’t come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.

–7 train

Posted on November 9, 2015
Black People, Hobos, Latinos, On the Subway, Poop, Race

But If You Write It All Down, You’re a Novelist

Mom: Are you talking to yourself?
Five-year-old: Yes.
Mom: As long as you don’t answer yourself.
Five-year-old: Why?
Mom: Because then you’re crazy.

–N Train

Overheard by: Hannah

Posted on November 9, 2015
Crazy, Default, Fears, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Questions

On the Subway