Queer guys

I Like to Think of My Sex Life As a Christian Charity

Queer: So, I was on a date with this guy, Christian — like the religion — the other night, and we had a nice hug and kiss goodbye. Then he went down into the PATH train. Right after he left, my phone started ringing and it said Christian was calling, and I was like, ‘What? How’s he calling me?’ And then I realized it was Cristian, C-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, this other guy I hooked up with a few months ago. So I answered and we ended up hooking up again that night… So, I had two Christians in one night. If this were ancient Rome, I’d be the lion in the Colosseum.

–Posh bar

Overheard by: Melissa Berry

Start Spreadin’ Disease (Doo Doo Doodoo Doo)…

Queer #1: Oh my god! You know that rat?
Queer #2: What rat?
Queer #1: You know — Mike’s rat — the one that sings “New York, New York.”
Queer #2: Oh! That rat! I love that rat! [Begins singing “New York, New York.”]

–Broadway platform, N train, Astoria

Overheard by: Canadian Girl

Can’t We Just Walk in Angry Silence Like a Straight Couple?

Queer #1: Do you love me?
Queer #2, holding his hand: No.
Queer #1: Then why are you holding my hand?
Queer #2: ‘Cause that’s what we’re supposed to do in public!

–The Village

The Giant Ones Who Live in the Sewers Are Especially Nasty

Queer #1: Christians are the most vile creatures on this planet.
Queer #2: Shhh… They’ll hear you!

–13th St, between Greenwich & 7th Ave

But It’s No Place for a Boy with a Really Pretty Mouth

Queer dance instructor: Okay, girls, now here’s a little move I learned in my home town back in West Virginia… [Girls look hesitant.] God, why does everybody look so scared when I mention West Virginia? It’s not a scary place, I swear!

–American Dance and Drama Studio, Union Tpke

Overheard by: Lindsay

The Next Gay Sex Fad — And You Were There!

Queer #1: Oooh, honey, you have an eyelash on you. Here, let me get it for you. Okay, now blow on it. [Queer #2 blows.] Come on, now, I’ve seen you blow harder than that. Hehehe. [Blows again.] There you go, honey. So, what did you wish for? You can tell me. I wanna know!
Queer #2: No, I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. It’s a deep, dark secret and I won’t tell you. Ever.
Queer #1: Well, I’ll tell you what I would wish for. A unicorn horn. And you know where I’d put it. Yeah, down there.
Queer #2: Oh, man, that’s an accident waiting to happen. And then a trip to the hospital.

–F train, W 4th St

Two Eyes on One Side of His Head, Like a Flounder

Queer #1: Is your friend coming this weekend?
Queer #2: Which one?
Queer #1: The ugly one. [Queer #2 stares, offended.] I’m sorry, but he is butt-ugly.

–Bronx-bound A train

Always an Issue with Arm’s-Length Relationships

Asian queer, looking over his shoulder: I think I jerked him off.
Italian queer: Who?
Asian queer: That guy in the green shirt… It’s pretty bad when you can’t keep track of all the people you’ve jerked off.

–Union Square

She’s Probably Hearing the Siren Song of the Catholic Church

Fag hag: So, how’s your hot cousin?
Queer: He’s dating this girl now… She’s cute, tall… Looks like Katie Holmes — has the same look on her face.
Fag hag: What look is that?
Queer: You know — sad.

–Nederlander Theatre

Overheard by: Crazy Legs Freddy

I Love New York.

Chick: Well, I don’t need to worry as much about lube because I make my own.
Queer: And we went there… We went from being drunk in church to wet vaginas in two foul seconds.

–Canal St station

Overheard by: passerby

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