Chick #1: I should go to sleep earlier. I want to, but for some reason I just can’t.
Chick #2, reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: I should also kill my roommate. I desperately want to, but I don’t think prison would agree with me. I don’t want to be someone’s bitch.
Chick #2, still reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: Are you even listening to me?
Chick #2, exasperated: What the hell do you want?!
–NYU
Seven-year-old girl: What’s your name?
20-something: Uhhh, Katey. What’s yours?
Seven-year-old girl: Liz.
20-something: Okay, how old are you, Liz?
Seven-year-old girl: Seven. How old are you?
20-something: 22.
Seven-year-old girl: You’re old enough to be pregnant!
20-something: … But I’m not!
–M104 bus
Guy #1, about babe passerby: Oooh, hey girl. Excuse me, miss? Miss! [Girl turns around.] Hello. How are you today? [Girl leaves.] Man, not even a hello! What the hell is wrong with women today?
Guy #2: I can’t believe you thought she’d actually talk to you.
Guy #1: Why? I’m good looking.
Guy #2: Dude, you’re wearing Tevas. Shut the fuck up.
–69th & Columbus
Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn… That shit’s illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah… You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: ‘Well, I wouldn’t need to use it if you were prettier.’
–Ozzie’s, Lincoln & 7th Ave
Overheard by: augie
Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.
–Meserole Ave, Greenpoint
Yuppie girl: Sometimes I feel like it would be fun to live in the projects.
Yuppie guy: Uh, why?
Yuppie girl: Everybody knows each other — it’s like summer camp.
Yuppie guy: But they shoot each other.
Yuppie girl: Yeah — summer camp, but with guns.
–99th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dan
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake ‘n’ bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It’s like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
–JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
Puerto Rican girl: Yea, he’s Dominican and half black… But not really black, because he’s not loud or obnoxious and doesn’t dress like it.
Friend: So, he’s that good black?
Puerto Rican girl: Right. He’s not even really black at all!
–1 train
Overheard by: CG
Gym chick #1: I ran a whole half-hour today.
Gym chick #2: A whole half-hour?
Gym chick #1: Yeah, you know why? ‘Cause Star Wars was on and it was so good I couldn’t stop watching.
–YMCA, Park Slope
Overheard by: Jedi Master
Dude #1: So, why did you break up with her?
Dude #2: Because she got herpes.
Dude #1: What?! You gave it to her!
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, but it’s different — herpes is gross with girls. It’s like a battle wound for guys, though.
–Slipper Room
